Hewdge

A lighthearted survival guide to everything

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Beware of Men In Dresses

April 12th, 2010 · Celebrity, Drag-Queens, Religion

the-popeBeware of men in dresses

Who feel the need to pray

EXCEPT those wearing make-up

(Or, if they happen to be gay!)

Avoid all men in dresses

Unless they are in Drag

And mince around in high heels

and call themselves a ‘Fag’

Steer clear of men in dresses

Meaning Clergymen, not Lay

They wear gowns whose very fabric

Society should FRAY!

Run a mile from men in long frocks

Be they Bishops, Priests or Popes

UNLESS they are Cross-Dressers

and act in Prime-time Soaps

If a man you know wears dresses

UNFROCK him! Bid Goodbye!

‘Cos if he’s not a Queen or Tranny

Then I fear…..the END is NIGH….

Helga Hewston

London, England (CNN) — Gay rights groups have expressed outrage over comments made by a senior Vatican official linking homosexuality to child abuse.

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, who also serves as the Vatican’s Secretary of State, made the comment during a news conference while on an official visit to Chile.

“Many psychologists, many psychiatrists have demonstrated that there is no relationship between celibacy and pedophilia but many others have demonstrated, I was told recently, that there is a relationship between homosexuality and pedophilia,” he said.

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Easter Dream

April 2nd, 2010 · Poetic Licence, Religion, Uncategorized

mastershakeeastereggLet me be your Easter Egg

Let me be your Easter Egg

Roll me over – watch me beg

Wrap me, race me, tap me, chase me

Use your paintbrush to deface me

Let me be your Easter gift

Your springtime chocoholic lift

Put me in a cardboard case

Hide me in a secret place

Let me be your Easter thrill

A giant chocolate-coated pill

Boil me, oil me, crucify me

Resurrect me – colour-dye me

Make me chocolate filled with cream

I wanna be your Easter theme

Melt me, eat me, smear me, lay me

Decorate and Fabergé me

Make me wholly chocolate cream

I wanna be your Easter dream….

Helga Hewston, 2009

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Porn, PETA Or Parenting? Octomom Decides

March 28th, 2010 · America, Celebrity, Uncategorized

0304_octomom_excNadya Suleman, the fertile and fast-talking Octomom, has been busy. Last month, she appeared on TV show, The View, where she revealed that she might even want another baby, “someday far, far, far, far in the future … if I meet somebody.”

She has also been having trouble raising the $450,000 needed to pay off her mortgage. What’s a gal to do? Enter Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment, one of the world’s largest purveyors of adult films, who announced last week that his company would pay off Nadya’s mortgage if she would make a porn film.

At the same time, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has approached her with a slightly more modest offer – $5,000 to put a sign in her front yard proclaiming, “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.”

As an added incentive, the animal rights organization said it would throw in a month’s supply of veggie burgers and veggie hot dogs for the fecund female and her 14 children, who range in age from 1 to 8.

Read the full story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100325/ap_on_bi_ge/us_octuplets

Helga Hewston, roving reporter for Hewdge, caught up with Nadya Suleman at her home in California, where she agreed to an in-depth interview

Helga: Nadya, how did you first hear about PETA’s spaying and neutering campaign?

Nadya: Ok, well, one of my vol… …oh ferchrissakes, hang on….one of the kids is escaping….oh yep, number twelve…Get the f*** back here, ya little brat!! As I was saying, one of my volunteers told me about PETA.

Helga: Go on…

Nadya: Yeah, right now, I have lots of offers coming my way…Hey you! Kid! Get back here! Whatever the hell your number is!! As well as PETA, I’ve had another offer to star in an adult movie. Cool huh? Did you see me on The View last month?

Helga: No. Were you ever an animal rights activist?

Nadya: Ha! Take a look around honey…this place is a ZOO!

Helga: Don’t call me honey. So what will you do with your fees from PETA?

Nadya: You know….it’s a question that gives me sleepless nights. Should I have the full tummy tuck or should I just work on the boobs? It’s a BIG decision…if you know what I mean… Oh shit!…hang on…..OH NO!!!!!!

Helga: ….hmm…don’t tell me….another one of your 14 kids trying to escape?

Nadya: Hell no!…MUCH worse – a volunteer trying to escape!

Helga: Nadya, you never disappoint. Go for the spaying dear…er…the campaign I mean…

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Vatican Hit By Gay Sex Scandal – Madame Gris-Gris Channels Pope John Paul 11

March 7th, 2010 · Rants, Religion, Uncategorized

Vatican chorister sacked for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for papal gentleman-in-waiting
Pope Benedict XVI greets cardinals in the Clementine Hall at the Vatican
Pope Benedict XVI greets cardinals in the Clementine Hall at the Vatican. Photograph: Max Rossi/AFP/Getty Images

The Vatican has been rocked by a sex scandal reaching into Pope Benedict’s household after a chorister was sacked for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting.

Angelo Balducci, a Gentleman of His Holiness, was caught by police on a wiretap allegedly negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a 29-year-old Vatican chorister, over the specific physical details of men he wanted brought to him. Transcripts in the possession of the Guardian suggest that numerous men may have been procured for Balducci, at least one of whom was studying for the priesthood.

The explosive claims about Balducci’s private life have caused grave embarrassment to the Vatican, which has yet to publicly comment on the affair. While Catholicism does not condemn homosexuality outright, its teaching is that homosexual acts “are intrinsically disordered”.

For the full sordid story, click here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/mar/04/vatican-gay-sex-scandal

Madame Gris-Gris, Clairvoyant and ‘Ghost-Whisperer’ to the Stars, speaks out against the latest Vatican sex scandal through the spirit of the Catholic Church’s most beloved and revered Pope and Wannabee Saint, John Paul 11.

I, Madame Gris-Gris, will now channel ‘iz ‘oliness John Paul Deux…..but be patient, mes amis….ze spirits take zeir time…..ooh, attend! eet iz commencing…..ee iz coming….oooh….

“Mes enfants, zis is is an ‘appening terrible – un incident encroyable! Muzza Church, she eez in pain like our Lord Jesus on ze cross! Vraiment, c’est le straw dernier!!
Iz eet not suffit zat I ‘ave flagellated moi-meme everee day while in ze Vatican? And maintenant, do I ‘ave to utilizer ze ‘Belt’ encore un fois? ‘Ow much can a spirit take? From ze grave, I reach out to tell you zat zings must retournez to ‘ow zey were before zis scandal ‘appened. Back zen, all we ‘ad to deal wiz was the petits cases d’abuses and ze priests ‘oo ‘ave ze marriage in ze secret.  Zees were ze days!  Amateurs!!”

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Snubbed ‘Prince’ Causes Gays To Mass En Masse: David Beckham ‘Orrified’

March 1st, 2010 · Celebrity, Rants, Religion, The Beckhams

King and King Kiss

A priest’s refusal to grant communion to a gay man has led to uproar in the Catholic south of the Netherlands. A multitude of gay men now look set to descend on Sunday mass in the city of Den Bosch.

Prince Gijs is no ordinary royal. His reign only lasted three days and his realm extended no further than the borders of the small town of Reusel. Gijs, known in everyday life as Gijs Vermeulen, a 24-year old bartender, was his hometown’s Prince of the Carnival. Every year, towns in the Netherland’s Catholic south elect their own buffoonish royalty, an honour generally bestowed on the more festive members of the community. Prince Gijs might have been a wise and benevolent leader – but he is also a homosexual one. That alone was enough for his local church to refuse this atypical nobleman holy communion.

Read the full story: http://www.nrc.nl/international/article2493108.ece/Snubbed,_homosexuals_head_to_mass_en_masse

David Beckham, football legend, underwear model and family man, is a regular columnist for Hewdge:

I am trulee ‘ORRIFIED wiv this storee! I always fawt that ‘olland was progressif, yeah? It’s got awl them ‘ash coffee shops wiv weed an’ evreefink on the menu, an’ it ain’t got no slums or nuffink…

‘At last them gays ‘ave found ‘eaven on ‘earf,’ I said to meself. So when I read about them caff-lic preests wot  dee-nyed ‘olee co-moo-nyun to them nancy-boys, I was well pissed off, an’ no mistake!

We awl got our fawts, ain’t we, but them caff-lic preests (or ‘Dirty Beasts’ in me best cockney) are wot I like to cawl ‘olier than thou’.

I fink awl ‘em dutch trannies in full gear should mince on down to that church in stiletto ‘eels an’ show them ‘Dirty Beasts’  wot a real bloke in a dress looks like.

Me wife Victoria, an’ me free kids, ‘ave always ‘ad a fing for the under-dog.   Jus’ cos this Prince bloke is a pillow-biter, that don’t mean ‘ee ain’t a good geezer, right?

I am wun ‘undred percent be’ind them batty-boys, an’ I ain’t too ‘appy wiv them god-bovvering preests, wot ‘ave got more frocks than me dear old auntie Lil.   D. Beckham

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Jesus Was Gay, Says Elton John

February 26th, 2010 · Celebrity, Religion

Elton John: Jesus was gay, says Elton John
Pop Star Elton thinks Jesus was gay

In a magazine interview, he said: “I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.

“On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving.”

The 62-year-old also confessed that fame has now lost its shine for him.

Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/religion/7268600/Jesus-was-gay-says-Elton-John.html

Celebrities, a Cardinal and a Guru weigh in on Elton’s ‘Jesus was gay’ statement

Cardinal Ernesto Ciccolotta  – Head of PR, Vatican City

Signor Elton
As you are uno magnifico artista, I will overlook the fact that you are a ‘po ‘omosessuale’. But, why Elton? WHY do you say these terrible gay things about our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ?
I suppose you think we Cardinals are all gay too? Ha, how ridiculous! My cute Brazilian housekeeper Alfredo, is laughing at this while he is ironing my frock…

David Beckham – Footballer and Metrosexual Underwear Model

Oy, Elton mate!
Wot’s all this about yoo callin’ Jesus a nancy-boy? That ain’t funny mate! Yoo ain’t got no respect, cos, in your fick ‘ead evree bloke wot wears a long dress is a shirt-lifter!
Sum peeple fink that I’m a poofta too, jus’ cos I wear a wraparound skirt, but that don’t mean nuffink! Elton, me mate, I like yer moosic, but don’ mess wiv me messiah!

Swami Baba Ramdev

Namaste – I am disagreeing most very profoundly with you, Sahib John. I, and my followers are believing that wholeheartedly Jesus was being a holy man and that is clearly at all the Christian peoples. I am being full with suspicions that maybe Sahib John, you are  practicing the female avoiding abhorrent positions and this is indeed unholy and licentiousness! Your truly practicing of the praanayaama breathing yoga lifestyles will indeed be restoring your kundalini shakti. Also diets can be helping you in the so-doing. Namaste

Tom Cruise – Scientologist Operating Thetan Level V11

Elton
C’mon, are you really saying Jesus was GAY? You Brits are so precious! If we Scientologists, heard that some little ponce-pianist was calling our glorious leader, L. Ron Hubbard a faggot, we’d jump off our sofas and kick-ass! Hey, man, are you on aspirin or caffeine or some other equally dangerous mind-fuck??


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Yoga Valentine Message From Swami Ramdev

February 13th, 2010 · Rants, Religion, Uncategorized

Guru Baba Ramdev, our favourite Hindu Swami, who believes that Pranayama Yoga is the natural cure for all physical and mental ailments, offers free advice to the world on St Valentine’s Day.swami-baba-ramdev

Namaste dear cupid fellows and nice ladies! We are over joyful on this very day of the naked god-child shooting arrows through our 4th chakra. Everywhere you are seeing red and also we can say that the practice of ‘praanaayaama’ and ‘pratyaahaara’ yoga and diet is existing for providing health benefits for all peoples who are being in love.

Yes, it is truly that I am curing acne, that dastardly scourge of AIDS and even more than above – through breathing and yoga – I am curing most scallywag men who are being intimate in the manly way. Yes, yoga is relieving these naughty practices with much beneficials.

On this Valentine holy day, I am not taking Rupees to addition my Swiss balance. No, it’s the other hand! I am giving life lessons for higher spiritual purpose. Love on this very day is being a huge uplift if you are practicing through the Vedic science of yoga. Therefore, I am pleading you to be getting your assanas over to my Ayurvedic Centre and being in love to all nice peoples. This is making romancing truly!

Namaste,

Swami Baba Ramdev
Calcutta

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Beatles’ Drummer Ringo: ‘I have found God’

February 8th, 2010 · Celebrity, Religion

Ringo Starr, the Beatles’ drummer, has admitted he has “found God” after taking what he described as a winding life of enlightenment.

Beatles' drummer Ringo Starr admits: 'I have found God'

The reformed rock legend, who turns 70 in July, admitted he had lost his way when he was younger, first as a Beatle then later after the group broke up. He experimented with LSD and marijuana when he was a Beatle in the 1960s, then later in the 1970s suffered alcohol and cocaine problems.
Beatles at Ringo Starr's wedding: Beatles' drummer Ringo Starr admits: 'I have found God'

Starr pictured with other Beatles at his wedding to Barbara Bach, a former Bond girl. Photo: TERRY O’NEILL/ NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Starr, who is now a teetotal and has quit his 60-a-day cigarette habit, said that religion was one of the most important aspects in his life. Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/the-beatles/7142630/The-Beatles-drummer-Ringo-Starr-admits-I-have-found-God.html

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi Writes a ‘Welcome to God’ Open Letter to Ringo

Dear Signore Starr,

You have found God! Sono felice!! I am so happy because it is NEVER too late… Even though you have led a lascivious and drug-sodden life thus far, praise be that you have come into HIS fold to receive HIS blessings!

As one of Rome’s Cardinals (and best boyhood friend to Italian Prime Minister, Sylvio Berlusconi), I would be honored to be your spiritual mentor. It is always a pleasure to receive even the most debauched of confessions and in return, bestow peace and forgiveness upon the true penitent.

In fact, before he returned to his heavenly home, our most beloved Papa, John Paul (may he be granted an early Sainthood!) confessed to me that he was rather too fond of  ‘the belt’.

This innocent and touching revelation has only recently come to public light, but it has been shocking, SHOCKING, the way the Holy Father’s pious acts of daily (and nightly) devotion to ‘La Dea’ as he fondly used to call God’s leather instrument, has been distorted by the press!

Why, Signore Starr, I will be the first to admit that I feel MUCH nearer to God’s true mercy after a jolly good flagellation. I feel that you, being a drummer, will be a ‘natural’.

God bless you and keep you

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35079187/

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Beckham: UK Major Who Steals Women’s Underwear ‘Sad Tosser’

February 6th, 2010 · Rants, The Beckhams, Uncategorized, Weird

Mayor who stole women’s underwear jailed

A mayor who got his ‘’sexual kicks” by sneaking into bedrooms to steal women’s underwear has been jailed for two years after he was caught out by a secret camera.

Ian Stafford : Mayor who stole women's underwear jailed

Ian Stafford, the ex-mayor of a Lancashire village, was jailed for two years Photo: PA

Ian Stafford, 59, was a church-goer and highly respected member of the community and Mayor of Preesall in Lancashire before his ”bluntly revolting” behaviour was uncovered, Preston Crown Court heard.

A part-time handyman and gardener, he had been employed for years by some of his victims who trusted him with keys to their homes.

But while alone Stafford, a bachelor, would creep into their bedrooms, rifle through underwear draws and masturbate before replacing the knickers and also stealing some of the garments.

One suspicious homeowner who began to notice the thefts then planted hidden cameras – which captured one episode with Stafford in the bedroom naked from the waste down acting out his fantasy, the court was told. Read the full story here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/lancashire/8501032.stm

David Beckham, Footballer & Professional Underwear Model Comments:

I reely feel fer them victims of this NICKER-FIEF!
I ask yer, wot the bleedin’ ‘ell is up wiv this bloke??!  It ain’t normawl. Okay, ‘ee don’t ‘ave no wife like my Victoria te keep ‘im ‘appy, but ‘ee could go wiv wun of them laydees wot gets paid, right?

I fink ponsin’ around an’ steelin’ nickers from yer girlie-mates ‘as gotta be a step down, innit? I ain’t got no simpa-fee!

Wot can yer do wiv this ‘ere dick-’ead? Fer starters, ‘ee needs a shrink, and that ain’t a lie! ‘Ee needs FERAPEE big-time, an’ maybee ‘ee can leed a normawl life wiv a lady wot appree-shee-aytes ‘im.

Wot I would say to this paffetick git is: Look mate, you ain’t the best lookin’ geezer in the yooniverse, but yoos could learn to keep yer kinks to yerself an’ maybee get a decent job modelin’ nickers like wot me an me wife Victoria doo.
Yer know it makes sense, yer sad tosser!

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WISHING YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

December 23rd, 2009 · Uncategorized

article400_Beckhams_cruise-420x0Tom Cruise – Scientologist (level V1 Thetan) and Actor

You know, at this festive time of year, it’s very tempting to drink, eat too much and take pills, especially anti-depressants and Aspirin. How to resist the urge to degrade yourself by self-medicating? Well, remember, for a mere $20,000, our special Scientology programmer will be able to keep you on the straight and narrow (and I mean that in the non-gay sense of the word) for the next few months…After that, we have  $10,000 bi-annual top-up program. This year, the Church of Scientology is giving away a free sofa with every first session of programming…..And giving is what Christmas is all about, right?

David Beckham, Footballer. Farva of Free & Underwear Supermodel:

‘Allo “Ewdge readers! I was finkin’ of makin’ a long speech, but I fawt to meself, no, David, no… too many words David. So ‘ere’s the speech annuver way – a simpool Christmas wish from a simpool man….
So, on be’arf of me wife Victoria and me free bootiful kids, I’d like ter wish awl ‘Ewdge readers a very ‘Appy Christmas an’ a pros’prus New Year! Cheers!

Octomom – Mother of 14

Hi Hewdge Readers,
Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! You know people, Christmas is a great time for cosmetic surgery and also the best time to give presents to children, right? And that’s perfect because I would like to give children as presents. My eight youngest kids are still small enough to fit down the chimney, and, at a push, could even be used as stocking-fillers! They are adorable, and each kid comes with two and a half week’s supply of diapers! (disposable)
For more information, please contact: 14is2many@octomom.com

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, Friend of Italian President Sylvio Berlusconi:

I would like to take the opportunity to wish all Hewdge readers a very contemplative and holy holiday! To celebrate Christ our Saviour’s birthday, I will be postponing my private theological Q&A sessions with Signora Carla Forlanini and making sure all holiday flagellations are administered to the tune of ‘Good Christian Men Rejoice.’ We have to show respect, si?

Madame Gris-Gris,  Clairvoyant to the Stars

Mes chers amis, allow moi to deliver un Christmas message from Michael Jackson. And what iz zat message?
Zat we must enjoy la vie! ’Ow do I know zis? Because during ze trance, Michel whispers les secrets zat onlee ‘ee knows. Par example: ‘ow much ‘ee ADORES to wear Debbie Rowe’s vêtements.  Zis is proof, non? Also mes chers amis, look out for my noveau book about Michael called ‘Dead Man Moonwalking‘ which comes out in Janvier. It iz onlee $30 and iz what I call ‘a steal’

Mes amis, I, Madame Gris-Gris weesh you a very ‘Appy Noel and un new Bon Annee!!

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