CORONOIA (noun) Paranoia Caused Directly Or Indirectly By The Corona Virus
Dear Readers,
At great personal sacrifice, I have decided to forego the comfort of our permanent suite at Happy Meadows Rehab, in order to become a beacon of light (or a ‘beacon of fright’ as hubby Helmut likes to joke) in these dark days of mass Coronoia.
But what exactly IS Coronoia?
Well dears, it is the fear and paranoia induced by that filthy little bug – the Corona virus.
To be clear, the level of Coronoia depends somewhat on which age group one belongs to.
For septic seniors like me and Helmut, this virus can seriously disrupt and severely limit one’s drinking time. Imagine for one sober moment, how hard it is to sip a bucket of gin and tonic when one is coughing?
One of the biggest reasons for Coronoia among decrepit dinosaurs is that they fear Bothersome Young People may pass on the virus, by offering to be Good Samaritans.
Smug ‘Happy To Help’ Young People
Yes, a so-called innocent question such as: “Oh, Helga, do let us know if you need any shopping” is a classic passive-aggressive remark that only those of a younger age bracket might make, smug in the knowledge that the virus has, in general, less impact on their lungs than on the vape-filled lungs of a silver slacker.
And what about households where youngsters are running riot because school has been cancelled? If you start to feel that the virus AND the offspring are out to get you, you could be suffering from full-blown Coronoia. Make no mistake, this is a very real condition which requires the use of heavy medication, 
Around the globe, millions are in lock-down, meaning that some families have to spend unsupervised ‘quantity’ time with each other. As a consequence, millions of parents are displaying symptoms of acute Coronoia, brought on by their sadistic babysitter’s detailed list of what little Kevin or Susie like to eat/read/play with before bedtime.
Luckily for me and Helmut, our offspring are well and truly locked-down with THEIR offspring (noisy, needy creatures, whose names escape us). But dear readers, it does pose a problem, one that can be remedied by the following:
Helga’s Three Handy Tips for the Grand-Offspring to help them deal with their stay-at-home Mummy and Daddy.
Mummy and Daddy’s Recycling Bin
Play the Numbers Game:
Count the number of bottles mummy and daddy have left in their drinks cupboard and remind them when they are running low.
Remember, when mummy and daddy are blotto, they are MUCH more likely to leave you to your own devices i.e. iPad, iPhone, laptop, iPod, X-box, etc.
Play the Waiting Game:
Try to time your urge to run riot around the house, to at least thirty minutes after mummy and daddy have taken their tranquilisers. You can usually tell when this has occurred by their slow and slightly slurred response to your incessant demands. Remember, a teensy-weensy tell-tale sign mummy and daddy might need to increase their dose, is the familiar phrase: “do whatever the f*** you want, you little sh***s”.
Play the Delay Game
Remember, mummy and daddy are as clueless and unenthusiastic about home schooling as you are! The best way to avoid this dreadfully dull activity is to plead a very slight headache or sore throat. Not too much dears (don’t overdo it) but just enough to make mummy and daddy suitably “Coronoid” to delay lessons indefinitely.
1 whiskey+2 gins=blotto
Cheers and Happy Lockdown!
Helga
