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Beatles’ Drummer Ringo: ‘I have found God’

February 8th, 2010 · Celebrity, Religion

Ringo Starr, the Beatles’ drummer, has admitted he has “found God” after taking what he described as a winding life of enlightenment.

Beatles' drummer Ringo Starr admits: 'I have found God'

The reformed rock legend, who turns 70 in July, admitted he had lost his way when he was younger, first as a Beatle then later after the group broke up. He experimented with LSD and marijuana when he was a Beatle in the 1960s, then later in the 1970s suffered alcohol and cocaine problems.
Beatles at Ringo Starr's wedding: Beatles' drummer Ringo Starr admits: 'I have found God'

Starr pictured with other Beatles at his wedding to Barbara Bach, a former Bond girl. Photo: TERRY O’NEILL/ NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Starr, who is now a teetotal and has quit his 60-a-day cigarette habit, said that religion was one of the most important aspects in his life. Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/the-beatles/7142630/The-Beatles-drummer-Ringo-Starr-admits-I-have-found-God.html

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi Writes a ‘Welcome to God’ Open Letter to Ringo

Dear Signore Starr,

You have found God! Sono felice!! I am so happy because it is NEVER too late… Even though you have led a lascivious and drug-sodden life thus far, praise be that you have come into HIS fold to receive HIS blessings!

As one of Rome’s Cardinals (and best boyhood friend to Italian Prime Minister, Sylvio Berlusconi), I would be honored to be your spiritual mentor. It is always a pleasure to receive even the most debauched of confessions and in return, bestow peace and forgiveness upon the true penitent.

In fact, before he returned to his heavenly home, our most beloved Papa, John Paul (may he be granted an early Sainthood!) confessed to me that he was rather too fond of ‘the whip’.

Although this innocent and touching story has only recently come to light, it has been shocking, SHOCKING, the way his pious acts of daily (and nightly) devotion to ‘La Dea’ as he fondly used to call God’s leather instrument, has been twisted by the press!

Why, Mr Starr, I will be the first to admit that I feel MUCH nearer to God’s true mercy after a jolly good flagellation. I feel that you, being a drummer, will be a ‘natural’.

God bless you and keep you

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35079187/

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Beckham: UK Major Who Steals Women’s Underwear ‘Sad Tosser’

February 6th, 2010 · Rants, The Beckhams, Uncategorized, Weird

Mayor who stole women’s underwear jailed

A mayor who got his ‘’sexual kicks” by sneaking into bedrooms to steal women’s underwear has been jailed for two years after he was caught out by a secret camera.

Ian Stafford : Mayor who stole women's underwear jailed

Ian Stafford, the ex-mayor of a Lancashire village, was jailed for two years Photo: PA

Ian Stafford, 59, was a church-goer and highly respected member of the community and Mayor of Preesall in Lancashire before his ”bluntly revolting” behaviour was uncovered, Preston Crown Court heard.

A part-time handyman and gardener, he had been employed for years by some of his victims who trusted him with keys to their homes.

But while alone Stafford, a bachelor, would creep into their bedrooms, rifle through underwear draws and masturbate before replacing the knickers and also stealing some of the garments.

One suspicious homeowner who began to notice the thefts then planted hidden cameras – which captured one episode with Stafford in the bedroom naked from the waste down acting out his fantasy, the court was told. Read the full story here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/lancashire/8501032.stm

David Beckham, Footballer & Professional Underwear Model Comments:

I reely feel fer them victims of this NICKER-FIEF!
I ask yer, wot the bleedin’ ‘ell is up wiv this bloke??!  It ain’t normawl. Okay, ‘ee don’t ‘ave no wife like my Victoria te keep ‘im ‘appy, but ‘ee could go wiv wun of them laydees wot gets paid, right?

I fink ponsin’ around an’ steelin’ nickers from yer girlie-mates ‘as gotta be a step down, innit? I ain’t got no simpa-fee!

Wot can yer do wiv this ‘ere dick-’ead? Fer starters, ‘ee needs a shrink, and that ain’t a lie! ‘Ee needs FERAPEE big-time, an’ maybee ‘ee can leed a normawl life wiv a lady wot appree-shee-aytes ‘im.

Wot I would say to this paffetick git is: Look mate, you ain’t the best lookin’ geezer in the yooniverse, but yoos could learn to keep yer kinks to yerself an’ maybee get a decent job modelin’ nickers like wot me an me wife Victoria doo.
Yer know it makes sense, yer sad tosser!

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WISHING YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

December 23rd, 2009 · Uncategorized

article400_Beckhams_cruise-420x0Tom Cruise – Scientologist (level V1 Thetan) and Actor

You know, at this festive time of year, it’s very tempting to drink, eat too much and take pills, especially anti-depressants and Aspirin. How to resist the urge to degrade yourself by self-medicating? Well, remember, for a mere $20,000, our special Scientology programmer will be able to keep you on the straight and narrow (and I mean that in the non-gay sense of the word) for the next few months…After that, we have  $10,000 bi-annual top-up program. This year, the Church of Scientology is giving away a free sofa with every first session of programming…..And giving is what Christmas is all about, right?

David Beckham, Footballer. Farva of Free & Underwear Supermodel:

‘Allo “Ewdge readers! I was finkin’ of makin’ a long speech, but I fawt to meself, no, David, no… too many words David. So ‘ere’s the speech annuver way – a simpool Christmas wish from a simpool man….
So, on be’arf of me wife Victoria and me free bootiful kids, I’d like ter wish awl ‘Ewdge readers a very ‘Appy Christmas an’ a pros’prus New Year! Cheers!

Octomom – Mother of 14

Hi Hewdge Readers,
Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! You know people, Christmas is a great time for cosmetic surgery and also the best time to give presents to children, right? And that’s perfect because I would like to give children as presents. My eight youngest kids are still small enough to fit down the chimney, and, at a push, could even be used as stocking-fillers! They are adorable, and each kid comes with two and a half week’s supply of diapers! (disposable)
For more information, please contact: 14is2many@octomom.com

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, Friend of Italian President Sylvio Berlusconi:

I would like to take the opportunity to wish all Hewdge readers a very contemplative and holy holiday! To celebrate Christ our Saviour’s birthday, I will be postponing my private theological Q&A sessions with Signora Carla Forlanini and making sure all holiday flagellations are administered to the tune of ‘Good Christian Men Rejoice.’ We have to show respect, si?

Madame Gris-Gris,  Clairvoyant to the Stars

Mes chers amis, allow moi to deliver un Christmas message from Michael Jackson. And what iz zat message?
Zat we must enjoy la vie! ’Ow do I know zis? Because during ze trance, Michel whispers les secrets zat onlee ‘ee knows. Par example: ‘ow much ‘ee ADORES to wear Debbie Rowe’s vêtements.  Zis is proof, non? Also mes chers amis, look out for my noveau book about Michael called ‘Dead Man Moonwalking‘ which comes out in Janvier. It iz onlee $30 and iz what I call ‘a steal’

Mes amis, I, Madame Gris-Gris weesh you a very ‘Appy Noel and un new Bon Annee!!

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Controversial Billboard of Joseph & Mary In Bed: God ‘A Hard Act To Follow’

December 17th, 2009 · Rants, Religion

s-BILLBOARD-large

Read the full story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/17/joseph-mary-billboard-god-is-a-hard-act-to-follow_n_395343.html

WELLINGTON, New Zealand — A billboard at a New Zealand church depicting a downcast Joseph lying beside Mary in bed and the heading “God is a hard act to follow” provoked more than the intended reconsideration of the meaning of Christmas.

The sign was defaced by a paint-wielding vandal just hours after it was erected Thursday outside the St. Matthew-in-the-City Anglican church in Auckland, and triggered passionate and sometimes angry debate on talk radio and the Internet.

Church vicar Archdeacon Glynn Cardy said the billboard was intended to challenge stereotypes about the way Jesus was conceived and get people talking about the Christmas story.

“This billboard is trying to lampoon and ridicule the very literal idea that God is a male and somehow this male God impregnated Mary,” said Cardy, who described his church as having very liberal ideas about Christianity.

Comments from Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, boyhood friend of Italian president Sylvio Berlusconi

This is an outrageous attempt by liberal intolerants to trash something as holy and as sacred as the conception of Christ. Why, my dearest and oldest friend, President Sylvio Berlusconi, who, only last week, was lying alone and prostrate in a hospital bed, would never, NEVER have allowed such a blasphemous billboard in Italy!

To even suggest the act of sex with the Holy Mother is unthinkable and this so-called vicar will surely roast in hell-fire (and be devoured by the devil’s minions) for his sins.

Also, I can’t help but notice that the billboard ‘Mary’ looks rather like a young New Zealand friend of mine – Suzy- who will be mortified to learn that her likeness has inspired this kind of filth. She and I spent many happy nights discussing theology and I think she learned a lot about Holy Communion (as she liked to call it) from her stay with me.

Actually, her parting words were, “Gus, you’re a hard act to follow….”
.

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December 15th, 2009 · Arts and Culture, Celebrity, The Beckhams, Wonderful

Paul Daniels, the television magician, stripped down to his underwear to parody one of David Beckham’s risqué adverts for Emporio Armani.

via www.telegraph.co.uk

Paul Daniels strips to his underpants to ape David Beckham advert

Photo: Bauer Media

The 71-year-old adopted the provocative pose in a spoof photoshoot for the women’s magazine Closer.

The magician even copied the England footballer’s distinctive tattoos, although eagle-eyed readers may pick up on slight differences in their physiques.

“Looking at David, I thought about all the work that had gone into his six-pack and I realised how happy I am with my one-pack,” Daniels told the Daily Mail.

This is not the first time that Daniels has shed his clothes in tribute to Beckham.

David Beckham comments:

“Yeah, Victoria, me wife an’ muvver of me free kiddies, finks it’s a good larf. Sum peeple ask me wot I fink about me mate Paul lookin’ ‘andsome in the foto, an’ i tell ‘em, it’s like we got sep’rated at birf!!  Ain’t it brill’yant to see wot a bit of make-up can do fer a bloke??  It’s magik! FANK YOO Paul, I luv ya!”

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Pacific Island Tribe Apologises For Eating British Missionaries

December 10th, 2009 · Arts and Culture, Religion, Weird, Wonderful

tribeG1708_468x361Helga Hewston, roving reporter for Hewdge, writes in from the tiny Pacific island of Erromango, now part of Vanuatu, where recently, the descendants of a British missionary have received a personal apology from the islanders, for having killed and eaten their ancestor, John Williams, as well as fellow missionary, John Harris. Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/vanuatu/6756656/Tribe-apologises-for-eating-British-missionary.html

Recalls islander Vassie Parilongi, now a part-time dinner lady in Melbourne’s Ear, Nose & Throat hospital canteen:

The story of the two British missionaries, Williams and Harris was recounted to me as a bed-time story when I was growing up. My mother used to tell me that both men were surly, rotund creatures, who took hours to tenderize. In fact, we have a nursery rhyme she used to sing to me which, roughly translated, goes something like this:

Two fat men

Two big fires

Too much time To tenderize

Missionary man

Go home to your gods

Chicken is better

Pass the salt

The Erromango islanders, who once had a nasty habit of eating their visitors, still have their own special family recipes handed down from generation to generation. But nowadays, instead of eating people, they are strict vegans and eschew any form of animal products. Why the change? Until recently, the islanders believed their past actions had brought a curse to the tribe.

“We were happy to have the curse lifted”, the village elders stated. Asked what the curse was, they all looked at each other and started crying. The island, now a tropical paradise for tourists, was once famous for its young people developing a mysterious and unsightly skin condition, a white stripe around the neck called a ‘godimanimarki’ or ‘Missionary Collar’, upon reaching puberty.

GG Qlarq

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David Beckham “Pissed Off” At Dad Who Spoke Only Klingon To Baby Son

November 22nd, 2009 · America, Arts and Culture, Celebrity, The Beckhams, X-files

Klingon

Our regular contributor, David Beckham, media darling, devoted ‘usband an’ farva of free’, reacts harshly this week to a recent article found on the American blog-site, the Huffington Post.

The disturbing but true story, tells of a linguist father, d’Armond Speers, who spoke to his baby son only in Klingon (’tlhIngan Hol‘ in Klingon) for the first three years of his son’s life, as a kind of linguistic experiment.

Star-Trek fans or ‘Trekkies’ will know that ‘Klingonese’ is a language spoken by the warrior race of alien beings (and on-off enemy of the Starship Federation) called the Klingons. Even though their language is an invention of Star Trek writers, it has inspired a serious world-wide cult following, as well as its own syntax and grammar rules.

Read the full HuffPo story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/19/darmond-speers-dad-spoke_n_363477.html

‘Allo ‘Ewdge Readers

I gotta tell you, me an’ me wife Victoria were well pissed off wen we ‘eard about this geezer wot ownlee spoke to ‘is kid in Klingon

Fer gawd’s sake, wot kind of poncy farva tawks to ‘is kiddie in sum poxy alien Star Trek language, wot ain’t real?

That is child abuse fer starters, innit?

An wot about the farva’s name? ‘d’Amond’ sumfink or ovva….’Ow pree-ten-shus!

Wun fing I will say is that my boys Brooklyn, Romeo an’ baby Cruz, ‘ave a muvva an’ farva wot luvs ‘em te deaf, an’ ‘oo ain’t afraid te tawk te them kiddies in proppa English.

Wun day them boys are gonna fank us for ‘ow they was brung up

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Ministry Of Defence In Denial Over Alien Sighting

October 22nd, 2009 · Weird, X-files, politics

Shortly after Hewdge decided to publish the crop circle story (see full story below), we received an open letter from the British Ministry of Defence addressed to the lowly Police Officer who happened upon a group of tall ‘blond aliens’ in the wilds of Wiltshire. Because he was off duty at the time of the ‘sightings’, Sergeant Dixon’s story has, undeservedly, not been taken seriously by local and international media. Is the MOD trying to ‘fob him orf’? You be the judge. GG Qlarq

Dixon, my good man, appears you saw a ‘bit of action’ the other day at the local crop circle, eh what?

Listen here, old chap….absolutely nothing to worry about. Encounter, not cricket obviously, but not in the least bit suspicious – in fact, if anything, a blasted nuisance and a bit of a bore.

Naturally, no aliens involved.  Lot of stuff and nonsense! Ha! Guffawing out loud at the very idea!

To follow, possible explanations for wobbly upper lip:

  • Yellow Hot Air Balloons (always sending them up – blighters always coming back down)
  • Abba Tribute Band (one playing in local village – awful racket)
  • Farmers’ prank (damned jokers, when they’re not shooting themselves, that is!)
  • Cows (damned silly creatures – neurotic around electric fences)
  • Kids (upstarts in general)
  • Americans (rather tall on the whole)

Suggest a jolly good drink/walk with the wife to let the dust settle, then back to work it is, my good fellow, protecting our glorious countryside against dirty rotten vandals, who seek to undermine our British way of life, eh what?

Yours,

Major Charles Pickett-Humes
Ministry of Defence (Public Relations Dept.)

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The Policeman, The Crop Circle & The Blond Aliens

October 22nd, 2009 · Arts and Culture, Weird, X-files

A police officer contacted British UFO experts after seeing three aliens examining a freshly made crop circle near Avebury, Wiltshire.

By Alastair Jamieson via www.telegraph.co.uk

A British police officer contacted UFO experts after seeing three aliens examining a freshly made crop circle near Avebury, Wiltshire.

Many crop circles, including this one in May 2009, have appeared near Silbury Hill, Wiltshire

The sergeant, who has not been named, was off-duty when he saw the figures standing in a field near Silbury Hill, and stopped his car to investigate.

However, as he approached the ‘men’ – all over 6ft tall with blond hair – he heard “the sound of static electricity” and the trio ran away ”faster than any man he had ever seen”.

[Read more →]

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David Beckham Speaks Out On Healthy Clothing

October 6th, 2009 · Arts and Culture, Celebrity, The Beckhams, Uncategorized

Victoria Beckham1Dear Hewdge readers
The H1N1 strain of influenza is in the air. Not to alarm you of course, just our way of saying that it’s a hot topic….erm, not in a fever sense naturally, but in a ‘vaccine is ready’ sense.
Yes, everyone is talking about the newly-tested vaccine…should they or shouldn’t they take it? A big decision. What if you could wear a smart suit and thus avoid getting the virus altogether? Crazy? Not if you’re Japanese and used to wacky inventions.  Read the full story of the ‘flu-suit’ below.
David Beckham, footballer and ‘varva of free’ reveals how his wife and ex-Spice girl, Victoria, loves the idea of healthy clothing and is making her own leisure-wear plans to help protect against the virus.

Jus’ let me say I fink it’s’ clevva wot them Japs ‘ave dun. They ‘ave put two fings toogevva – ‘ealth and fashun and that ain’t easy, right?
Me wife Victoria, who ain’t ‘arf as fin ‘as wot sum peeple fink, ‘as been inspired by them Jap ‘flu suits’ and is tawkin’ about makin’ a Bikini wot ‘elps peeple stay ‘ealthy.
That is me wife Victoria froo and froo..…always busy wiv trying to ‘elp uvver peeple. Wot ‘ave I dun to deserve ‘er? Really…wot ‘ave I dun? David B

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