Helga Conquers Her Coronoia

CORONOIA (noun) Paranoia Caused Directly Or Indirectly By The Corona Virus

Dear Readers,

At great personal sacrifice, I have decided to forego the comfort of our permanent suite at Happy Meadows Rehab, in order to become a beacon of light (or a ‘beacon of fright’ as hubby Helmut likes to joke) in these dark days of mass Coronoia

But what exactly IS Coronoia?

Well dears, it is the fear and paranoia induced by that filthy little bug – the Corona virus.

To be clear, the level of Coronoia depends somewhat on which age group one belongs to.

For septic seniors like me and Helmut, this virus can seriously disrupt and severely limit one’s drinking time. Imagine for one sober moment, how hard it is to sip a bucket of gin and tonic when one is coughing?

One of the biggest reasons for Coronoia among decrepit dinosaurs is that they fear Bothersome Young People may pass on the virus, by offering to be Good Samaritans.

Smug ‘Happy To Help’ Young People

Yes, a so-called innocent question such as: “Oh, Helga, do let us know if you need any shopping” is a classic passive-aggressive remark that only those of a younger age bracket might make, smug in the knowledge that the virus has, in general, less impact on their lungs than on the vape-filled lungs of a silver slacker. 


And what about households where youngsters are running riot because school has been cancelled?  If you start to feel that the virus AND the offspring  are out to get you, you could be suffering from full-blown Coronoia. Make no mistake, this is a very real condition which requires the use of heavy medication, 

Around the globe, millions are in lock-down, meaning that some families have to spend unsupervised ‘quantity’ time with each other. As a consequence, millions of parents are displaying symptoms of acute Coronoia, brought on by their sadistic babysitter’s detailed  list of what little Kevin or Susie like to eat/read/play with before bedtime.

Luckily for me and Helmut, our offspring are well and truly locked-down with THEIR offspring (noisy, needy creatures, whose names escape us). But dear readers, it does pose a problem, one that can be remedied by the following:

Helga’s Three Handy Tips for the Grand-Offspring to help them deal with their stay-at-home Mummy and Daddy.

Mummy and Daddy’s Recycling Bin

Play the Numbers Game: 

Count the number of bottles mummy and daddy have left in their drinks cupboard and remind them when they are running low.

Remember, when mummy and daddy are blotto, they are MUCH more likely to leave you to your own devices i.e. iPad, iPhone, laptop, iPod, X-box, etc.

Play the Waiting Game: 

Try to time your urge to run riot around the house, to at least thirty minutes after mummy and daddy have taken their tranquilisers. You can usually tell when this has occurred by their slow and slightly slurred response to your incessant demands. Remember, a teensy-weensy tell-tale sign mummy and daddy might need to increase their dose, is the familiar phrase:do whatever the f*** you want, you little sh***s”.

Play the Delay Game

Remember, mummy and daddy are as clueless and unenthusiastic about home schooling as you are! The best way to avoid this dreadfully dull activity is to plead a very slight headache or sore throat. Not too much dears (don’t overdo it) but just enough to make mummy and daddy suitably “Coronoid” to delay lessons indefinitely. 

1 whiskey+2 gins=blotto

Cheers and Happy Lockdown!


Helga’s Handy Lockdown Tips

Dear Readers

What could possibly awaken me from this drunken stupor called retirement, other than news of the most disturbing kind? Apparently, there is a virus on the loose which targets Silver Slouchers while leaving Young People mostly unscathed. This is grossly unfair. And to add insult to infection, supermarket shelves are devoid of essentials such as toilet paper, hand sanitisers and products for the elderly.

This IS irritating, but to follow, some handy tips to see one safely through these deprivations, or at least until some sort of Anti-Viral Cavalry comes to one’s rescue…

Tip Number One: To survive Old People’s Lockdown with one’s respiratory system intact, it’s ok to threaten, press-gang or emotionally blackmail a Young Person into doing one’s shopping.  

Be aware though, that Young People may be CARRIERS. Dear readers, we need them to be carriers, but of shopping items, not the virus. 

Tip Number Two:: I cannot stress this enough: DO stock up on alcohol – preferably gin and do keep it in the freezer. Please note, there is absolutely no need to lower one’s standards, even in the face  of a societal break-down. 

Tip Number Three: Do stock up on hand sanitisers, because without a few dozen bottles, one may well be forced to wash one’s hands using perfectly good gin.

Tip Number Four: At a push, a decent brand of hand sanitiser will substitute for gin. Don’t take any chances though – keep it in the freezer!

Tip Number Five: Do NOT share one’s drugs, alcoholic beverages or food with anyone  (especially Annoying Young People), but DO share the latest virus horror story with that nasty and parsimonious shopkeeper who only sells you one roll of toilet paper.

Tip Number Six: Keep one’s spirits up! Yes, that’s right dears – fill up your glass with spirits right to the very top, or failing that, get a bigger glass!

Cheers and Happy Lockdown!




Herr Frankenstein


Screen Shot 2018-09-19 at 21.49.24

Herr Frankenstein, we’re almost there

Behold the thatch we call his hair!

The orange face, the deadeye stare

We’ll add small hands, large paunch, long tie

Plus, a great capacity to lie!

Let’s make him petty, unaware

Let’s make him tweet without a care,

Herr Frankenstein, we’re almost there!


Herr Frankenstein, our cunning plan

To pass this monster off as man

Requires more flab, a deeper tan!

Let’s make him racist, glib and crude

A bully of great magnitude

He must appear as Superman

To NRA and Ku Klux Klan

Herr Frankenstein, this is the plan!


Herr Frankenstein, our man’s complete

This monstrous engineering feat

Claims rules and laws are obsolete

He wages trade wars round the globe

And rails against the Russia probe

The world’s most oddly coiffed Deadbeat

faux family man, who lives to cheat

Herr Frankenstein, our task’s complete!