“A Beirut Survival Gift Box is the ‘cadeau-du-jour’, and is in all the best stores. Everybody wants one of course.” -David Beckham

List of Contents

1 Bottle Whiskey – helps drinker cope with:
Military Coups
Staff Meetings
Other annoying obligations

I Bottle Extra-Strong Tranquilizers – to be taken before and during:
Bombing raids
Gun battles
Day to Day Grind

English-Arabic CD Rom – to help listener learn useful words and phrases such as, “Help! Get me outta here!” & “Evacuate? No problem my friend!”

Chocolates – helps grease the wheels with:
Colleagues
Ministries
Anybody

Cedar Cigarettes – helps relieve the stress of:
Car Exhausts
Generator Fumes
Food shortages

Hi-Tech Ear Plugs – helps protect wearer from:
Bombing Raids
Gun Battles
Malicious Gossip

Everess Soda Water – helps whiskey drinker cope with:
Airport closures
Military barricades
Schwepps shortages

Peanuts – helps whiskey drinker cope with:
Slow service
Sea blockades
Carrot shortages

Honey – helps with sugar shortages and creative waxing

Olive Oil –helps user wriggle out of hide-outs and tight spots

Clip-on Tri-Colour Tie Set – helps wearer stay politically ‘in touch’ in an instant

Little (Beirut) Black Book – provides contacts and other ‘services’ without going through the concierge

Hair-I-Am Stick-on Beard – helps wearer navigate smoothly through dodgy roadblocks

I-Spy Beirut Camouflage Binoculars – watch gun battles discreetly from behind balcony shrubs

DIY Syrian Visa Printing Press – helps save time/money at Syrian border crossings

Editors note: This Gift Box is obviously a spoof. Please include a large pinch of salt as part of the contents