Hewdge

Hewdge, as usual, has been swamped with letters concerning  our latest article about controversial Indian guru, Swami Baba Ramdev, who plans to open a yoga centre on the remote Scottish island of Little Cumbrae. The hirsute swami claims that, among other things, Pranayama Yoga can cure acne, Alzheimer’s and..um..being gay. Click here to read the full story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/6153726/Baba-Ramdev-plans-to-set-up-yoga-retreat-on-remote-Scottish-Island.html

Below, copies of just two of the letters the guru has received, one from Tiny Tom Cruise, mega-star, couch-cruncher and 8th level member of the Church of Scientology, and the other from Mrs McDonald, who runs the local post office on the neighbouring island of Great Cumbrae

Mr Ramdev

I wish to complain about your planned yoga centre on the island of Little Cumbrae. This is a blatent scam to make money out of poor suckers who are physically and mentally ill! To have us believe that ailments such as Alzheimer’s and acne can be cured by the supernatural practice of YOGA, is unkind at best, and evil at worst. The only cure for any dangerous or insidious disease, is to make an appointment with your local Scientologist programmer, who, for a reasonable fee (just under $20,000) will instruct you on how to best cleanse yourself of your Body Thetans or alien spirits. Can yoga do that?

Yours,
Tom Cruise

PS:  Regarding your ‘gay cure‘, I…..er…a friend of mine rather, wants to know which Pranayama exercise you recommend for beginners.
Thanks,
Tom

Dear Mr Swami Baba,

I’m soo excited yer comin’ te the island of Wee Cumbrae te oopen a yooga centre!

Can ye help, Mr Swami?  Mae lad Jimmy has a problem wi‘ his drinkin‘ an‘ I’m worried aboot him.

Aye, the devil is makin‘ work fer his idle hands -  mae Jimmy has nae had a job since his dad was poot away fer head-buttin‘ that poor wee black gentleman

I canna bear te see Jimmy spendin‘ all mae poonds on Glenfiddich. He lounges aboot, scares the sheep an’ refuses to wear his kilt on dance night. D’ye think that yooga can make a man of him?

Yours in hoop,

Maureen McDonald