Dear Readers, quite often I am the unlucky recipient of emails regarding our travel adventures. For example, some people, particularly those who enjoy wasting my time, write in with questions such as: which global hotspot/war zone would you recommend as an interesting travel destination for my soon-to-be-ex-partner? And so forth…
Usually, I don’t even bother replying to such inane questions, dear readers, because all the answers are out there, ripe for the picking, in the vast electronic ether we call the World Wide Web!
Nevertheless, people still write in their ridiculous missives, so to save on drinking time, I have devised a List of 5 Travel DOs and DON’Ts, in the hope that they will come in handy for all those inquisitive, intrepid and most of all, insipid tourist-types.
5 DOs & DONT’s WHEN TRAVELING:
DO Take Your Pet Along: Fido or Fluffy are MUCH happier being on holiday with you than pining alone at home, where they could end up making some extremely poor mating decisions or worse, savaging little Johnny next door! Also, in countries that relish dogs or cats as a gourmet treat, selling your pet to a discerning local can provide quick and ready cash in cases of dwindling pocket money/travelers cheques or holiday theft.
DON’T Take The Children! Avoid the ‘are we there yet ‘ syndrome by leaving your offspring at home with attentive, responsible adults like your ex-spouse’s current lover, or even better, the local authorities.
DON’T Carry Too Much Luggage: Why drag all your sartorial possessions and toilet items around in cumbersome suitcases, when you can get someone else to do it for you? Quite often at airports, pleading infirmity is your best ploy and will give you access to electronic transporters and free snacks. For those who travel by boat or rail, an official porter is usually on hand. Tip: Don’t pay your first porter until you meet your next porter.
DO Insure Your Luggage: Insuring your luggage is advised just in case that nasty porter with the fake name-tag decides to abscond with your faux Louis Vuitton matching set. On the other hand, if you spot a real Louis Vuitton matching set, try to abscond with it yourself.
DO Be Careful How You Tag Your Luggage: Occasionally, an inventive and sharp-eyed thief will spot your home address on your luggage tag and break into your house or apartment while you are traveling. This holiday horror can be easily avoided by writing not your own address, but your irritating neighbour’s address on your suitcase tag.
Next time: How to avoid road/rail/air-rage