Monthly Archives: August 2012

Beckham’s Advice To Harry: Don’t Be A Royal Bum

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Dear Readers, our guest blogger, David Beckham, father of four and underwear model ordinaire, has some words of advice for Britain’s Prince Harry, who was snapped cavorting in the nude last week, while on holiday in Las Vegas.

 ‘Arry, ‘Arry, ‘Arry! Wot the ‘ell is goin’ on wiv you ol’ mate? Swingin’ around in the awl-togevva in that ‘ot city of Vegas? An’ wot will ‘er Madge say? Jus’ fink of yer granddad ‘oo ‘as bin in the ‘ospital! ‘Ee ain’t goin’ to get back on ‘is perch when ‘ee ‘ears you ‘ave bin showin’ off them crown jewels to them yanks!

Wot about William, yer bruvva? Wot about Kate, ‘is missus? Wot about yer entire famlee? WOT WAS YOU FINKIN’? 

My advice is to get back on yer ‘orse, get back in the saddle an’ get stuck into sum ‘andsomely paid work like wot I do! Listen ‘Arry, if you ain’t bovvered about showin’ off yer tackle, there ain’t nuffink better than gettin’ paid for it….I know mate – I get  paid a bloody kings ransom to show off mine, even if it ‘appens to ‘ave a bit of cotton stuck to it.

Oh by the way, that underwear gear wot I model, is now goin’ be called the ‘Dirty ‘Arry’ range, so well done mate!

Cheers, David B

 

 

 

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THE FLIGHT OF THE FEE-NICKS

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Dear readers, one of the more satisfying aspects of being a serious travel writer, is that one is required to interview all kinds of wonderful, interesting people. One such person of interest is the resourceful Air France pilot, who recently managed to squeeze cash money out of his unsuspecting passengers to pay for fuel, after landing his plane in a war zone.

On Wednesday August 15th, Air France flight 562, originally destined for Beirut (the frying pan) set off from Paris, and then went slightly astray when it ended up landing in an even more troubled capital – Damascus (the fire).

How did this happen dear readers? Well, an unwholesome series of events had been set in motion earlier that evening when dangerous protests forced a close-down at Beirut International Airport. The problem? Members of an infamous Lebanese clan had taken several hostages on the Beirut airport road, in retaliation for the capture of another family member in Syria.

The Air France plane, a Boeing 777, nearing its approach, and carrying around 174 passengers, at first planned to divert to Jordan, but the pilot, realizing there was not enough fuel to reach Amman, decided to land in Damascus.

Are you following me so far, dear readers?

So picture this: The plane lands in Damascus and nervous passengers are instructed to keep the blinds down on their porthole windows and not take any photos or videos. But in order to leave Damascus and head for yet ANOTHER destination on the island of Cyprus, the plane needs to refuel.

However, the pilot’s Air France credit card is not accepted in Damascus airport because of US sanctions against Syria.

What to do? Why, ask the passengers to COUGH UP THEIR OWN CASH to pay for the fuel! So starting with First Class and Business Class passengers, the whip-round begins, and according to one news source, the tally reaches $17,000. One cannot make these stories (or totals) up, dear readers!

Fortunately for the stranded, and by this time fleeced, passengers, an alternative, and as yet undisclosed, solution is found and the plane finally takes off for Cyprus. The following day, the same plane lands in Beirut without incident. Below is an extract of my interview with the pilot, a man who knows this part of the Mediterranean like the back of his Landing Gear.

THE INTERVIEW

Helga: Captain, when did first you realize that you, along with your crew and passengers were NOT going to wake up in Beirut and smell the burning tires?

Captain: ‘Alors, ‘Elga cherie, eet iz ze moment we ‘ear zat terrible zings are ‘appening in Beirut and zat ze airport is closed.

Helga: Don’t call me ‘cherie’. So you decided to land in an even more dodgy capital, Damascus?

Captain: Eh bien, c’est because we did not ‘ave enough fuel for Amman…..

Helga: But Really! Damascus! One hasn’t been able to get a decent Gin & Tonic there for some time…..WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??

Captain: C’est Vrai!!! Mon Dieu! I must ‘ave been blinded!

By ze way, ‘ave you seen my photo in ze Air France Magazine for July?

Helga: No. So how did passengers react when you told them you needed their cash to get the plane off the ground?

Captain: ‘Elga, at ze start, ze passengers were very – ooh, ‘ow shall I say zis -’timide’ to make ze ‘whip-ronde’, but when faced wiz ze alternateeve terrible – une night in Damas – zay were VERY ‘appy to cough!

Helga: Did you find it surprising that you were able to collect a grand total of $17,000 in cash from the passengers?

Captain: Non, non, not surprising at all! Zees Lebanese ‘ave too much monee and are very riche….In fact, wiz ze ‘elp of zis big naughty clan, I am arranging for another ‘refueling’ next month…

Helga: Good to know that Air France is ‘above board’ in its dealings Captain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Helga’s Helpful Hints For Hefty Holiday Hand-Outs

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Dear readers, although it seems from our Going Global travel blog, that Helmut and I are constantly jetting off to exotic locations, I can assure you, that due to restrictions imposed upon us by our humorless probation officer, we find ourselves spending a fair amount of time at home, in our cozy lock-up at Happy Meadows.

But even within this safe harbor, or sofa rehab (which is Helmut’s preferred anagram), I am far too often cajoled out of my comfortable camping chair with its customized built-in mini-bar, to respond to readers’ questions.

The ‘Send Us Packing’ Campaign

Again and again, I am asked by clueless, and quite often toothless, elderly parents, for advice on how to get the most out of their offspring and enjoy a perpetual holiday at their expense. Why ask us, dear readers? Well, I firmly believe it is because Helmut and I are known for having raised progeny who are totally committed to providing us scary old coffin-dodgers with enough money to keep us on the move, on the bottle and out of their lives!

In this post I share a few of my Hand-Out Hints in the hope that you too, will be able to successfully sponge/freeload off your nearest and dearest and elicit sufficient cash, first-class airline tickets and above all, a steady supply of gin, to keep you blotto and airborne well into your twilight years!

Is it that simple? Yes! Begin your campaign by paying your offspring a lengthy and unplanned visit, choose a prominent place to soak your dentures and refuse to leave until you have convinced them just how inexpensive your binge-drinking, jet-setting life would be compared to time spent in a correctional facility, rehab or nursing home.

Irritate Your Offspring!

One of the best ways to make your tight-fisted offspring desperate to send you packing on an extensive, one-way, all-expenses paid trip to the other side of the globe, is to irritate them as much as possible. To follow, some tried and tested methods:

  • Block things up. When visiting the offspring, remember to pack your essential senior products, such as dentures, prosthetics, hairpieces and ‘padded products’, then accidentally lodge them in a drain, toilet bowl or toaster, where they can easily burn or clog up the system.
  • Wildly exaggerate your declining mental abilities. From misplacing your door keys to forgetting where you last left the grandkids or the car, a sudden ‘memory lapse’ can be fun and, if carried out correctly, will induce apoplexy in your offspring as well as an overwhelming desire to see the back of you.
  • Act demented. Another enjoyable ploy is to wander disheveled and zombie-like around your offspring’s garden, in full view of the neighbors, carrying a spade and searching for the last place you buried your gin bottles.
Dear readers, please note that Helmut and I successfully used this three-pronged approach just before our offspring handed over a HUGE amount of cash, and sent us packing on our first Going Global tour!
HAPPY HOLIDAYING!
Helga

 

 

 

 

 

 

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