Dear Readers, husband Helmut and I are often asked by friends, acquaintances and fellow inmates of Happy Meadows Rehab (when they are sober enough to even string a sentence together), how we are able to jet off so frequently to such exotic locations around the globe. “How the f*** do you do it?” they slur.
For old crocks like us, traveling has been a constant and reliable source of free alcohol, but acquiring funds for our well deserved lifestyle-on-the-move, can sometimes prove tricky. This is especially true if one’s offspring are reluctant to cough up the expenses for business-class flights. Yes, dear readers, sadly this does happen, and I deal with this very issue, in a post from August, 2012 (http://www.hewdge.com/2012/08/
When, on the odd occasion, family members have been particularly parsimonious or ‘stingy gits‘ as Helmut prefers to call them, our entire neighborhood has been known to club together – all domestic disputes forgotten – to collect the money needed to see us swiftly on our way to sunnier climes! I do believe this noble gesture on the part of the local community, is the result of our ‘charm offensive’, although certain humorless types tend to use only one of those two words, when referring to Helmut.
Sadly, in this modern day era of vulgar materialism, one cannot always rely on community or kin to help find one’s ‘place in the sun’. Therefore, in this post, I have meticulously compiled three tried and tested methods of raising travel funds for the vacationally-challenged among us. Here they are, in no fixed order of preference. Enjoy!
Helmut ADORES insurance scams! Well, who doesn’t? Before every holiday, he stages one or two of the following ‘accidents’ : a) kitchen flood b) car crash c) break-in
What makes our ‘accidents’ so convincing? Well, dear readers, it’s our attention to detail. For example, just before the flood/crash/break-in, we fill all the cupboards, wardrobes and filing cabinets throughout Happy Meadows, with copious amounts of fake blood, stage make-up, joke shop bandages, hosepipes, balaclavas and ‘hoodies’. This level of commitment to props perhaps gives you an insight into Helmut’s dogged determination to shaft the insurance companies. Not to harp on about one’s personal sacrifice, but this valuable cupboard space is usually meant for our ‘empties’.
Hubby Helmut is far too modest to admit that he’s rather good at this money-making scheme, but let’s be honest dear readers, keeping rooms or ‘padded suites’ as Helmut jokingly calls them, at Happy Meadows Rehab, does give one the inside scoop when it comes to personal and business secrets. How does our blackmail method work? Quite simply, we ply our fellow inmates or staff members with illicit alcohol, and with the aid of a board game (Truth or Dare) and a hidden recording device, pretend to be thoroughly SHOCKED the next day by their sordid confessions. Frankly, it’s a relief when they hand over their hush-money.
Impersonating one of your retired friends or family members in order to cash their pension cheque, while satisfying, is not hugely rewarding from a financial point of view. Nevertheless, in a cheap country such as Thailand, even a stolen UK pension can go a long way towards paying for that first round of Bubbly!
Cheers, and Happy Holidaying!
Helga & Helmut
Dear Readers, if you too, have any suggestions or advice regarding traveling the world at other people’s expense, please share your ideas by clicking below on REPLY.