Going Global – Cabbages and Condoms

Posted on July 9, 2011 by helga

Swapping our Miami orange for a Bangkok durian, Helmut and I continue our adventures on life’s runway and journey to the Far East in search of the perfect noodle…

Dear readers, upon landing in Bangkok at 6am, after a ten hour gin-soaked flight, we are forced to pose -at close-range – in front of a webcam at Thai Immigration. As we are no spring chickens, I feel the resulting pictures are really quite good..

By 6.45 am, we are through and on the way to our hotel. Even at this early hour, Bangkok city streets are already crowded and the traffic slow, but our jolly-natured taxi driver (John), comes up with a clever distraction and shows a Mr Bean movie on his dashboard DVD player (see below). Interestingly, Mr Bean dubbed in Thai, sounds just like Mr Bean in English!

As we drive on, John seems drawn to Helmut and clearly wishes to demonstrate this by teaching him how to say Thank You in Thai..

“listen, male speaker say Kop Koon Krap, woman speaker say Kop Koon Ka and ladyboy say Kop Koon Haaa“.

This lesson is informative and amusing even at 7am. And why does John imagine that Helmut is keen to learn ladyboy language? Laughing and looking round at Helmut in that ‘special’ way which I grow to recognize during our time in the East, he tells us that ladyboys always use this ‘haaa’ suffix. Hmm, could THIS be what they mean by the term “happy ending’? Gosh! I shall have to ask Helmut…

For Dinner, we go to Cabbages and Condoms, a darling little garden restaurant in the bustling area of Sukhumvit. Cabbages and Condom’s motto is: Nothing On This Menu Will Make You Pregnant. Surely they couldn’t be referring to the food? Lamps made out of condoms, mannequins dressed in condoms and all the profits going towards AIDS and population control. How WONDERFUL, dear readers, to find a cause of which Helmut and I thoroughly approve! Below, without the slightest hint of cabbages, a creative use of latex fashion in the form of Captain Condom

Captain Condom

Next day and feeling the need for some spiritual exploration, we taxi over to a temple complex called Wat Arun. Here we find Buddhist monks meandering around, looking for enlightenment. Is it just me or do they look terribly dapper in their saffron robes!? Below, Helmut spots a monk and his best four-legged friend, who might possibly be his reincarnated two-legged best friend…

a monk's best friend..

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Going Global – Breakfast in America

Posted on July 6, 2011 by helga

Breakfast

Dear Hewdge readers, before Helmut and I jet off to the Orient, we spend our last few days in Miami exploring our favourite past-time – food. In general, food portions in America are on the generous side, a practice which does tend to trigger obesity, heart disease and diabetes later in life. But who cares, because hubby Helmut, or rather chubby Helmut, finds dining out in the United States a truly wonderful and comforting experience! Dare I say that Florida food induces a Pavlovian reaction in Helmut, which has him salivating and reaching for the Doggy Bag? In particular, he DROOLS over American Breakfast, a hugely important meal and one which I firmly believe is higher on the glycemic index than the British Breakfast.

Nowadays, American Breakfast is a familiar item on menus around the world, but here in Miami, beautiful and health conscious people usually limit themselves to eggs, bacon, sausages, pancakes, hash browns, French toast, waffles and English muffins, while other more devil-may-care, Braveheart types might feel free to order a T-bone steak in addition to all of the above. Below, a breakfast which could possibly induce health problems later

: heart-attack on a plate

Dinner

At dinner time in South Beach, as in most cities throughout America, it is common to see the unemployed elderly, or retirees, as they are fondly called, dining out at the ridiculously early hour of 5.30 pm. Why such a time? Because so-called EARLY BIRD DINING is a special deal offered by many popular restaurants and helps get us old crocks off the streets, and in bed by 7.30pm, which is always a good thing!

Many ‘golden oldies’ like to go on cruises. Helmut and I ADORE Miami cruises, as it gives us a chance to eat American food all day long. Like restaurants, boats for seniors tend to get going a little earlier than normal. Below, a forlorn couple of retirees have literally ‘missed the boat’ and quite possibly their favourite restaurant too.

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Going Global – Miami’s South Beach

Posted on July 1, 2011 by helga

Dear Hewdge readers, in this posting, we go in search of a few of Miami’s vices, and in the process, manage to track down a Hispanic Hero.

Ever hear of the expression: if one is tired of Miami, one is tired of Vice?Well, nowhere does vice better than South Beach, an area in the heart of Miami famous for its art deco structures, trendy shops, gay nightclubs, ivy-covered restaurants and glamorous beaches.

: ‘Hairy’ South Beach Restaurant

Vices

How hubby Helmut ADORES South Beach, and luckily for us old relics, here in the ‘Golden Girls’ state, there are still many years left to experience every kind of vice and subversive activity that Miami has to offer! One tame example, is the famous Gum Tree on Lincoln Road, where addicts score gum from local street dealers, chew it for days until a trans-like state has been achieved, and then display the soft remains on a tree trunk…Below, a dizzying array of strung-out gum

: chewed gum adorns Lincoln Road’s famous tree

Lincoln Road is the buzzing hub of South Beach and full of beautiful people, and beautiful boys in particular. In fact, I feel our dear and youthful travel companions of Spain fame, would gladly trade in one of their Louis Vuitton Man-Bags to be here with us as we journey around the ‘hood’ looking for vice. Below, could it be that we’ve found it?

: any vice here?

Below, a police car parked at Lincoln Road is also on the lookout for vice….let’s see who spots it first!

: South Beach vice squad on full alert

Because there IS so much vice around, prices in South Beach, including valet and parking fees, tend to be a tad on the high side. Below, a car owner who has run out of coins, has a hair raising encounter with a parking meter, and out of desperation, calls her bank manager

: can her bank cover her parking fees?

Unfortunately, many residents are forced to flee South Beach because they cannot find parking spaces or afford valet parking fees. Below, a depressingly familiar picture of a family car heading for cheaper climes (Montana perhaps?), where they can park without running up huge bills. Note the plants and the pink suitcase they bring along, to remind them of their time in Miami!

: parking fee refugees

Apart from the vice, what makes Miami such a popular tourist destination? Dear readers, I believe it is the magnificent beaches, pink fluffy clouds at sunset, and the heady mixture of beautiful people and colorful architecture, which creates the perfect holiday mix!

Miami sunset

Miami Celebrities

One of Miami’s local heroes of possible Andalucian descendant, is Scarface, a needy little man who flees Cuba in the 1970s and makes a fortune dealing cocaine.Would you believe that traces of this HUGELY popular recreational vice can be found on most $100 bills? Just shocking! Below, I spot a Scarface admirer peering through a South Beach gallery window, but Helmut is far too busy chewing gum and rolling up his $100 bill to notice…

: worshipper at the Scarface shrine

Next posting: Food

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Going Global – Spain part 3

Posted on June 29, 2011 by helga

This is Hewdge’s last Going Global posting from Andalucia, Spain. In the next installment, we travel to Miami, Florida to meet descendants of Andalucians who defied the SIESTA to set sail for the New World of the 15th century.

Meanwhile, back in the 21st century…

Jose, The Cave Man of Gaudix

JOSE’S CAVE

Today, we travel to meet Jose and his dad – a couple of present day hobbits, who live together in cave number 33 in Gaudix, a town in the province of Grenada. It is super of them to share their home with hoards of nosey visitors, but then again, there are the tips to think of..

Hobbits Jose & Dad In Their Cave Home

So is Jose the Hobbit seriously pale and weedy? Pale, yes, but weedy, no, because his cave home is on the GROUND floor level, and even though there are no windows, he and his dad show no sign of rickets!

A Ground Floor Hobbit Home

After donating our vitamin D pills to Jose and dad just in case, we proceed to Downtown Guadix, only to discover siesta is in full swing, the place is deserted and all the public buildings closed….

Deserted Guadix Street

SIESTA

Siesta is an integral part of Andalucian life, and a time when families bond over a mid-day meal. That’s nice, but it does become awfully difficult to get any decent attention between the hours of 1 and 5 pm. No matter how hard we merry band of travelers try, we always seem to arrive at exciting urban attractions too late. Below, a familiar sight greets us during siesta – another locked door

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Possibly tempted by the scent of deep-fried pig ears, an old blind man takes full advantage of the lunch-time lull to stroll safely down the hill to his local bar.

Screen shot 2011-06-29 at 2.10.10 PM On one of the last days of our wanderings, we visit Cadiz, a bustling port city in southwestern Andalucia. Below, two animated art fans graphically explain the symbolism of this famous sculpture in the park. Gosh! I can’t think for the life of me why they are gesticulating so crudely…

Screen shot 2011-06-29 at 4.18.07 PM Our last stay before departing? The enchanting hillside village of Vejer de la Frontera, where we explore the local Moorish architecture. Below, an example of the burqa-like garb formerly characteristic of the Vejer women, who were allowed to uncover just one eye when out in public. Hmmm…

Screen shot 2011-06-29 at 2.17.37 PM Finally, our marvelous Andalucian adventures are over and it’s time to fly home. As we bid farewell to our dear couple, we reassure them that yes, we are available to travel with again next year. Suddenly, they look similar to the cavemen of Guadix, only paler…

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Going Global – Spain part 2

Posted on June 27, 2011 by helga

Food In Andalucia

Continuing our Going Global travel log, we delve into what Andalucians expect in the way of a decent meal. I think you too, will be salivating over your PC/Mac as you read on…

: An Andalucian Foodie

Is there any truth to the saying: one man’s ham is another man’s harm? Yes, when it comes to Andalucian food! While we and our youthful travel companions simply adore the local fare, and tuck in like there’s no mañana, other more picky and unadventurous types, struggle to make sense of all the tempting bovine and porcine body (and head) parts displayed on the menu.

Below, a few of the delicacies you might be lucky enough to find as you journey through Andalucia

Cow Brains or Sesos, are totally scrumptious and are usually eaten with bread or rice and seasoned with plenty of spices….hmmm…..

040115_brainsandwich_bcol.grid-6x2

Bull’s Testicles or Criadillas as they are affectionately known in Spain. Sliced into fillets, the testicles are then pan-fried with garlic, oregano and garlic…..super hmmm…..

Criadillas

Tripe Stew or Callos is perhaps the most famous exotic dish in Spain, and is a concoction of internal organs and other unloved and unwanted parts of a pig. Originating in Madrid, this dish now graces menus in all parts of Spain

menudo_dish

Blood Sausages or Morcillas are made of well, er, blood, fats and offal and are HUGELY popular among the locals in southern Spain. Usually served up as a bocadillo or sandwich, or combined with potatoes and fried capsicum, morcillas looks like any other sausages on the outside but when eaten, have a distinct flavour, as well as a tofu-like texture…Morcillas are famous in the Alpujarras, a cluster of mountain villages in Andalucia.

imagenes_Morcillas4_891b9484

Pig’s Ears or Orejas, provide a savoury snack all over Spain. They are fatty and crunchy and their unique flavour is attained by cutting up the ears into cubes and deep-frying them in pig-oil

1.1222628880.orejas

Chocolate

After a satisfying meal of bull’s testicles, what could be better than an after-lunch chocolate? Below, frenzied, cocoa-deprived tourists rush the local chocolate factory in the picturesque mountain village of Pampaneira

Screen shot 2011-06-27 at 8.12.01 AM

Deep within the factory, various sample trays of chocolate elicit more Spanish vocabulary in two minutes, than all those useless Spanish courses put together.

Screen shot 2011-06-27 at 8.13.40 AM

Flamenco

How we love a good dance! Although, we manage to miss most of his Flamenco performance, this portly pro has us reaching for the G&T in Jerez de la Frontera, a popular town in the Cadiz province of Andalucia. After the stage dust has settled, I tell him that naturally, we will be back tomorrow night for his full performance. He looks scared but it could just be the lighting….

Screen shot 2011-06-27 at 8.21.46 AM

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Helga and Helmut Go Global

Posted on June 25, 2011 by helga

Dear Readers, this diary will provide a personal travel log, as opposed to the cutting-edge, finger-chewing global news stories that Hewdge normally covers.

Andalucia, Spain, May, 2011

What, dear readers, is Spain’s most treasured animal and one which can be found in every nook and cranny throughout the land? Yes, I’m referring to the pig, even though its preferred form is dead and called HAM (Jamon). Interestingly, Spain’s official national animal is actually the bull, which they also prefer dead. Below, a typical sight of a ham caught in a HamTrap, usually in a shop or restaurant window. Running with the Hams anyone?

In the delightful city of Grenada, hubby Helmut and I meet up with our youthful and patient traveling companions, who do a devilishly good job of chauffeuring us old crocks around. Oh dear, when we four jolly travelers arrive at reception, hotel owners seem confused and have a tricky time asking us who will sleep with whom and in which room! At the first hotel, we help them out, but at subsequent check-ins, and just for fun, we allow them to splutter on in embarrassment….

: 1 gay couple + 1 old couple = ????

Andalucia

How to sum up Andalucia? Majestic, dramatic landscapes, dreamy white hillside villages topped with Moorish castles, quaint architecture, courteous, self-possessed locals and everywhere hams hanging from rafters, decorating shop windows….you get the picture….

What we noted about the Spanish:

Obsessed with Ham: as in Alhambra (oh dear!)
Get confused with ‘v’ and ‘b’: as in “thank you bery much” (cute)
Have overly-long Siestas (boring)
Gay friendly: as in legalizing same-sex marriages (very good)

Andalucians

Like all good Europeans, Andalucians enjoy a Sunday lunch-time drink. Below, a picture of some revelers in their local bar in the picturesque village of Santa Fe. As you will notice, in the background, there is a sinister object dangling willy-nilly from the ceiling. Could it be a very thin ham? Or perhaps a very thick sausage? My money’s on the ham..

Screen shot 2011-06-27 at 5.42.03 PM

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Osama bin Laden’s Diary

Posted on May 9, 2011 by helga

Below, Hewdge publishes selected extracts of 9-11 mastermind, Osama bin Laden’s diary, taken during a raid at his home in Abbottabad, Pakistan on May 1st, 2011.

May 13, 2004
Sick of cave….Allah be praised, the house in Abbottabad is almost ready! Wives and kids excited. Must get a garbage disposal installed, hose connected in guest bathroom…oh, and destroy US train system. Allahu Akbar!

June 17, 2005
New wife arrives from Yemen…Jeez, finally! Insha’Allah she will get on well with the other two, but of course, a little competition never harms…..speaking of which, Al Zarqawi is getting right up my nose. Have decided to dye my beard. Image is everything. God is Great!

Sept 11, 2006
Things going well, Nushkur Allah! 9-11 anniversary today… always a warm fuzzy feeling. Celebrated by cooking a goat dinner for a hundred Pakistani close couriers. Watched the video. Wives made popcorn. A good day. God is Great!

Dec 3, 2008
Depressed. Wives and kids bickering, plus no mention of me in the news…What’s it all about Osama? Need to plan something spectacular, but what? Strange but true, a man with nearly my name is now president of the Great Satan. Is Allah trying to tell me something? Where is Baby Bush? I miss him…

Jan 12, 2010
Can’t sleep …millions of kids running amuk. Boiler not working. Luckily, Ninendo 3 arrived today via courier. Love the 3D effect. This has given me some great ideas…God, too, is Great!

March 21, 2011
One of the kids (was it Mohamad?) broke my headphones. This is not good. Super Street Fighter requires the utmost concentration…

March 31, 2011
Hair-dye arrived today and it was the WRONG son-of-a-dog colour. Courier will have to die. Am re-evaluating life. Have reached level 5 in Super Street Fighter 1V, but is it enough? Should I have done more? What would Mohamad do?

May 1, 2011
Praise Allah, my new Bose QuietComfort 3, Noise-Canceling Headphones arrived this evening, which means that, after prayers and cocoa, I can finally concentrate on getting my Super Street Fighter score up to 3,600. Planning a super fun All-Nighter thanks to newly-harvested pot plants and USAID Hershey Bars. Allahu Akbar! God is Great!

more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1383429/Osama-Bin-Laden-dead-Marijuana-grew-near-luxury-compound-Abbottabad.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

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Superman Quits Being American

Posted on April 30, 2011 by helga

6ff95_54885 Via Huffington Post

Since he crashed down from Krypton 1938, Superman has been as American as apple pie. With the wind rippling over his red and blue costume as he flew through the air, through comic books, TV shows and movies, the Man of Steel has served as a prime representation of all things to which America aspires.

Now, in a time of great international turmoil, Superman is giving up his national identity.

In “Action Comics #900,” Superman will renounce his American citizenship, rejecting the international notion that his actions are part of US policy. The shift comes after a personal visit to Iran in support of protestors leads President Ahmadinejad to believe America was declaring war against the government in Tehran.

By rejecting his citizenship, Superman will now work on a grander international scale, because, as he says, “truth, justice and the American way… it’s not enough anymore”

Whether this impacts the upcoming Superman franchise reboot film “Man of Steel,” remains to be seen, but it will most certainly take the legendary hero in a new direction.

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Death Of Guru Sai Baba Creates Financial Vacuum

Posted on April 25, 2011 by helga

sai_baba The death of a charismatic Indian guru, Sathya Sai Baba, who built up a worldwide following of up to 50 million people, has triggered an unholy scramble for control of his £5.5 billion empire. (click here to read more: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/india/8471134/Sathya-Sai-Babas-death-triggers-fight-for-his-5.5-billion-empire.ht

Below, well known Indian guru, Swami Ramdev Yadav, pays tribute to the enigmatic Sathya Sai Baba with an open letter to Hewdge.

_41181360_ramdev203

Namaste

It is with very regret and heaviness at heart that I am relating the deathly news of Sathya Sai Baba – a holiest guru and a manly man who was a beloved to many worshiping and sometimes celebrity peoples.
Yet, at this very current moment, the news is being so full of dastardly stories of Sai Baba that I am not believing my own very eyes and ears!
Rapscallion reporters are delighting to spread untruthfulness about Sai Baba and in particularly, his dalliances with many lovely boys. But this I am knowing absolutely: no such naughtiness was occurring in his ashram! This is shamefully gossip! Sai Baba was humble, and truthfully a holy man who was not just for thinking of riches. No, it is the OPPOSITE!! Sai Baba on very much occasions was giving money and gold to others. In fact, his own billions in a Swiss banks was having no meaning to this very saint!

Since his present incarnation is no longer, I am freely to offer Sai Baba’s devotees my expertise of much financial techniques. Especially, I am full of happiness to take over Sai Baba’s gigantic empire. Like this humble of man, riches have no meaning for me also when I am flying by my private jet to the Swiss.

Namaste
Swami Ramdev

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MOAMMAR’S BOYS

Posted on April 20, 2011 by helga

gaddafi-qaddafi Responding to the news that Colonel Moammar Gaddafi uses body doubles to help confuse his enemies, roving reporter, Helga Hewston, manages to track down one of the Colonel’s so-called ‘Moammar’s Boys’ in Libya. In this first interview, conducted in a fast-moving military jeep, Helga talks to Gaddafi look-alike, British national, Jihad Nihad of Peckham, south London.

Helga: Mr Nihad, how long have you worked as one of the colonel’s body doubles?

Jihad: oh, let’s see…about 6 weeks now…Oh, shit..luv…hold on….have to address my fans..
“ONLY THOSE WHO ARE TRULY INSANE CANNOT LOVE ME, OH MY FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS!!”
By the way, call me Moammar or Colonel Gaddafi while I’m on duty, OK?

Helga: yeah, whatever….so tell me Jihad, what were you doing in Peckham before you came here to pose as Gaddafi?

Jihad: I was the chief hair stylist at the Peckham Health & Beauty Spa…wait one sec…have to really shout this out…
“YES, MY PEOPLE, WE WILL FILL THE STREETS WITH THE BLOOD OF THE BETRAYERS!!!!!”
Er…so what was I saying, luvvie?

Helga: Don’t call me ‘luvvie’. Does working as the Colonel’s body-double pay well?

Jihad: yep. Did you see that faaabulous picture of me on the cover of the Guardian?

Helga: No.

So..anyway……where is the REAL Gaddafi at this moment?

Jihad: Oh, you’re good, Helga, you’re very good…

Helga: Well….? Where is he???

Jihad: Let’s just say that right now, my clients back at the Peckham Spa are complaining about what a BITCH I’ve become…

Helga: you mean……? Gaddafi..?….in Peckham….???

Jihad: think I’ve said enough luvvie….Moammar’s the word!! ooh, look!!..great hordes of fans coming my way…where’s that bloody megaphone..?
“LIFE WITHOUT DIGNITY IS WORTHLESS – DEATH TO THE TRAITORS!!!”

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Hewdge

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Author Archives: helga

Going Global – Cabbages and Condoms

Going Global – Breakfast in America

Going Global – Miami’s South Beach

Going Global – Spain part 3

Going Global – Spain part 2

Helga and Helmut Go Global

Osama bin Laden’s Diary

Superman Quits Being American

Death Of Guru Sai Baba Creates Financial Vacuum

MOAMMAR’S BOYS