The Poop Scoop: During our last few days in Jakarta, Helmut and I decide it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee…

Dear Hewdge readers, while in Jakarta I discover something incredible, and it has to do with coffee! Yes, I am talking about THE most expensive coffee in the world and it comes from Indonesia! Each coffee bean used in this product makes the most interesting ‘inner journey’, so to speak, that I feel it is a process worth describing. So how does this particular coffee, called KOPI LUWAK, become such a precious commodity? To begin with, the sweetest and ripest red coffee ‘cherries’ are eaten by a strange, cat-like mammal, called a Palm Civet.

Once inside this creature’s stomach, the coffee beans soak up enzymes and gastric juices, then carry on through the intestines until they are at last, excreted (or may I use the word defecated?). After emerging partially digested, the beans are gathered, sun-dried, and lightly roasted before eventually ending up costing a coffee drinker in New York or Tokyo $30 a cup! Isn’t that marvelous? To celebrate this triumph of profitable recycling, and in delicious anticipation of future dinner parties, Helmut and I grab every packet of Kopi Luwak we can lay our rubber-gloved hands on! Dear readers, this is truly a beverage not to be sniffed at!

What fun then, do Helmut and I have in store for our dear friends and future dining companions? Well, while our guests are sipping their après-dinner Kopi Luwak coffee, Helmut and I will insist on telling them, with the aid of colour diagrams, all about its scatological history and will SO ENJOY watching their faces as we talk feces! . Should there be the odd, humorless guest who starts to feel queasy, Helmut will point again to the graphic pictures, then back to their cup, and jokingly ask if they would like a REFILL!!

Leader of the Free World

While we are in Jakarta, we take the opportunity to visit the primary school once attended by a current leader of the free world. Simon Cowell? Rupert Murdoch? Lady Gaga?  No, I am referring of course, to Barak Obama, 44th President of the United States! In the modest front courtyard stands President Obama’s statue, which depicts him at the age of eight, smiling broadly and in a grandiose gesture, lifting up his hand towards what could possibly be the Debt Ceiling

Dear readers, this is a powerful and prescient moment, and to mark its solemnity, Helmut and I both reach into our Indonesian sweat-shop hoodie pockets for some gum…

Leaving Jakarta

Alas, a few days later, it is time to leave Jakarta for the next city on our Going Global tour -Saigon – but irritatingly, when Helmut and I arrive at the airport, we are told we cannot board our flight! Is this because we are overburdened with the Bombay? No, much worse! We cannot fly because we do not have the required visa to enter Vietnam! Immediately, Helmut and I spring into action and try offering a bribe, but unfortunately, stockpiling Kopi Luwak has depleted our resources…

Back in Jakarta for two extra days, we book a high-end hotel near a shopping mall, but to our surprise, find that the wall that separates our bedroom from our bathroom is made ENTIRELY of GLASS. This is because the bath and toilet being visible from the bedroom area, is the latest annoying hotel trend!

The next morning, I peer through our glass wall into the bathroom, and offer Helmut a cup of Kopi Luwak while he’s ‘powdering his nose’. But he is strangely irate and aims his new paperback ‘Civet Farming For Dummies’ directly at my Bombay Sapphire. I believe I also hear him mutter, “Dammit, leave me to recycle my recycled coffee beans in peace!”, but dear readers, I am FAR too busy restocking the mini-bar to answer the dear man…

Next posting: Helmut and I reach Saigon and see red at last!

Breakfast

Dear Hewdge readers, before Helmut and I jet off to the Orient, we spend our last few days in Miami exploring our favourite past-time – food. In general, food portions in America are on the generous side, a practice which does tend to trigger obesity, heart disease and diabetes later in life. But who cares, because hubby Helmut, or rather chubby Helmut, finds dining out in the United States a truly wonderful and comforting experience! Dare I say that Florida food induces a Pavlovian reaction in Helmut, which has him salivating and reaching for the Doggy Bag? In particular, he DROOLS over American Breakfast, a hugely important meal and one which I firmly believe is higher on the glycemic index than the British Breakfast.

Nowadays, American Breakfast is a familiar item on menus around the world, but here in Miami, beautiful and health conscious people usually limit themselves to eggs, bacon, sausages, pancakes, hash browns, French toast, waffles and English muffins, while other more devil-may-care, Braveheart types might feel free to order a T-bone steak in addition to all of the above. Below, a breakfast which could possibly induce health problems later

Dinner

At dinner time in South Beach, as in most cities throughout America, it is common to see the unemployed elderly, or retirees, as they are fondly called, dining out at the ridiculously early hour of 5.30 pm. Why such a time? Because so-called EARLY BIRD DINING is a special deal offered by many popular restaurants and helps get us old crocks off the streets, and in bed by 7.30pm, which is always a good thing!

Many ‘golden oldies’ like to go on cruises. Helmut and I ADORE Miami cruises, as it gives us a chance to eat American food all day long. Like restaurants, boats for seniors tend to get going a little earlier than normal.  Below, a forlorn couple of retirees have literally ‘missed the boat’ and quite possibly their favourite restaurant too.

Below, Hewdge publishes selected extracts of 9-11 mastermind, Osama bin Laden’s diary, taken during a raid at his home in Abbottabad, Pakistan on May 1st, 2011.

May 13, 2004
Sick of cave….Allah be praised, the house in Abbottabad is almost ready! Wives and kids excited. Must get a garbage disposal installed, hose connected in guest bathroom…oh, and destroy US train system. Allahu Akbar!

June 17, 2005
New wife arrives from Yemen…Jeez, finally! Insha’Allah she will get on well with the other two, but of course, a little competition never harms…..speaking of which, Al Zarqawi is getting right up my nose. Have decided to dye my beard. Image is everything. God is Great!

Sept 11, 2006
Things going well, Nushkur Allah!  9-11 anniversary today… always a warm fuzzy feeling. Celebrated by cooking a goat dinner for a hundred Pakistani close couriers. Watched the video. Wives made popcorn. A good day. God is Great!

Dec 3, 2008
Depressed. Wives and kids bickering, plus no mention of me in the news…What’s it all about Osama? Need to plan something spectacular, but what? Strange but true, a man with nearly my name is now president of the Great Satan. Is Allah trying to tell me something?  Where is Baby Bush? I miss him…

Jan 12, 2010
Can’t sleep …millions of kids running amuk. Boiler not working.  Luckily, Ninendo 3 arrived today via courier. Love the 3D effect. This has given me some great ideas…God, too, is Great!

March 21, 2011
One of the kids (was it Mohamad?) broke my headphones. This is not good. Super Street Fighter requires the utmost concentration…

March 31, 2011
Hair-dye arrived today and it was the WRONG son-of-a-dog colour. Courier will have to die. Am re-evaluating life. Have reached level 5 in Super Street Fighter 1V, but is it enough? Should I have done more? What would Mohamad do?

May 1, 2011
Praise Allah, my new Bose QuietComfort 3, Noise-Canceling Headphones arrived this evening, which means that, after prayers and cocoa, I can finally concentrate on getting my Super Street Fighter score up to 3,600. Planning a super fun All-Nighter thanks to newly-harvested pot plants and USAID Hershey Bars. Allahu Akbar! God is Great!

more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1383429/Osama-Bin-Laden-dead-Marijuana-grew-near-luxury-compound-Abbottabad.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Via Huffington Post

Since he crashed down from Krypton 1938, Superman has been as American as apple pie. With the wind rippling over his red and blue costume as he flew through the air, through comic books, TV shows and movies, the Man of Steel has served as a prime representation of all things to which America aspires.

Now, in a time of great international turmoil, Superman is giving up his national identity.

In “Action Comics #900,” Superman will renounce his American citizenship, rejecting the international notion that his actions are part of US policy. The shift comes after a personal visit to Iran in support of protestors leads President Ahmadinejad to believe America was declaring war against the government in Tehran.

By rejecting his citizenship, Superman will now work on a grander international scale, because, as he says, “truth, justice and the American way… it’s not enough anymore”

Whether this impacts the upcoming Superman franchise reboot film “Man of Steel,” remains to be seen, but it will most certainly take the legendary hero in a new direction.

“When Katie and I got married, it was the most romantic occasion EVER. Period. I wanted to CRY and laugh at the same time… As for the wedding dress, well, it was all Katie’s decision…and naturally, the Church helped her decide. As Scientologists, we’re not allowed to talk or make any kind of loud noise in front of the bridal gown before the wedding, as spirits of dead aliens could take over. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it.”

Victoria Beckham – underwear model & fashion victim

“I fink it is quite clevva of Kate to ‘ave free diff’rent dresses – one is never enuf is it? I only ‘ad one dress at my weddin’, but it ‘ad to be taken in free times, coz me weight kept changin’…. In them days, we woz trend-setters. Now, every Tom, Dick and ‘Arry is frowin’ up their breakfast, not just them brides. This is the kinda fing wot makes me sad.”

Nadya Suleman, the fertile and fast-talking Octomom, has been busy. Last month, she appeared on TV show, The View, where she revealed that she might even want another baby, “someday far, far, far, far in the future … if I meet somebody.”

She has also been having trouble raising the $450,000 needed to pay off her mortgage. What’s a gal to do? Enter Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment, one of the world’s largest purveyors of adult films, who announced last week that his company would pay off Nadya’s mortgage if she would make a porn film.

At the same time, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has approached her with a slightly more modest offer – $5,000 to put a sign in her front yard proclaiming, “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.”

As an added incentive, the animal rights organization said it would throw in a month’s supply of veggie burgers and veggie hot dogs for the fecund female and her 14 children, who range in age from 1 to 8.

Read the full story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100325/ap_on_bi_ge/us_octuplets

Helga Hewston, roving reporter for Hewdge, caught up with Nadya Suleman at her home in California, where she agreed to an in-depth interview

Helga: Nadya, how did you first hear about PETA’s spaying and neutering campaign?

Nadya: Ok, well, one of my vol… …oh ferchrissakes, hang on….one of the kids is escaping….oh yep, number twelve…Get the f*** back here, ya little brat!! As I was saying, one of my volunteers told me about PETA.

Helga: Go on…

Nadya: Yeah, right now, I have lots of offers coming my way…Hey you! Kid! Get back here! Whatever the hell your number is!! As well as PETA, I’ve had another offer to star in an adult movie. Cool huh? Did you see me on The View last month?

Helga: No. Were you ever an animal rights activist?

Nadya: Ha! Take a look around honey…this place is a ZOO!

Helga: Don’t call me honey. So what will you do with your fees from PETA?

Nadya: You know….it’s a question that gives me sleepless nights. Should I have the full tummy tuck or should I just work on the boobs? It’s a BIG decision…if you know what I mean… Oh shit!…hang on…..OH NO!!!!!!

Helga: ….hmm…don’t tell me….another one of your 14 kids trying to escape?

Nadya: Hell no!…MUCH worse – a volunteer trying to escape!

Helga: Nadya, you never disappoint. Go for the spaying dear…er…the campaign I mean…

Our regular contributor, David Beckham, media darling, devoted ‘usband an’ farva of free’, reacts harshly this week to a recent article found on the American blog-site, the Huffington Post.

The disturbing but true story, tells of a linguist father, d’Armond Speers, who spoke to his baby son only in Klingon (‘tlhIngan Hol‘ in Klingon) for the first three years of his son’s life, as a kind of linguistic experiment.

Star-Trek fans or ‘Trekkies’ will know that ‘Klingonese’ is a language spoken by the warrior race of alien beings (and on-off enemy of the Starship Federation) called the Klingons. Even though their language is an invention of Star Trek writers, it has inspired a serious world-wide cult following, as well as its own syntax and grammar rules.

Read the full HuffPo story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/19/darmond-speers-dad-spoke_n_363477.html

‘Allo ‘Ewdge Readers

I gotta tell you, me an’ me wife Victoria were well pissed off wen we ‘eard about this geezer wot ownlee spoke to ‘is kid in Klingon

Fer gawd’s sake, wot kind of poncy farva tawks to ‘is kiddie in sum poxy alien Star Trek language, wot ain’t real?

That is child abuse fer starters, innit?

An wot about the farva’s name? ‘d’Amond’ sumfink or ovva….’Ow pree-ten-shus!

Wun fing I will say is that my boys Brooklyn, Romeo an’ baby Cruz, ‘ave a muvva an’ farva wot luvs ‘em te deaf, an’ ‘oo ain’t afraid te tawk te them kiddies in proppa English.

Wun day them boys are gonna fank us for ‘ow they was brung up

Hewdge’s last article concerns Cuba’s strongman and former sex symbol Fidel Castro, who has sired more than 10 children by various women on the island, and whose prowess is the subject of a new book ‘Without Fidel’ by journalist Ann Bardach.
Click here for the full story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/6235286/Fidel-Castros-Cuba-full-of-his-offspring-after-years-of–womanising-by-El-Commandante.html
Not to be outdone by the revelations of a revolutionary,  America’s own pouty-lipped producer of progeny, Nadia Sulaiman or ‘Octomom’, writes an open letter to Fidel.

Dear Fidel or ‘Faithful One’
Wow Commandante! It was fun reading about you and your ‘tribe’ of little ‘Fidelitos’. I hear Cuba has named a few cocktails in your honour – ‘Sex On The Bay Of Pigs Beach’ and ‘Cuba Libido’ immediately spring to mind…
We have so much in common! I too, am a celebrity tyrant and have a small tribe – actually, 14 offspring in total (according to my publicist)
Fidel, I need your advice: one of my volunteer nannies is a cute Cuban guy called Julio, who says I shouldn’t consider wearing my new Gap Che Guevara bikini at my next TV interview, until I get a full tummy-tuck. A tummy-tuck? How superficial!
Fidel, I know you’ve had a little surgery yourself recently, so think about it! Why should a media-star and national treasure like myself undergo a full tummy-tuck without getting breast implants, liposuction and a chemical peel? It doesn’t make sense. Are Cubans always this unreasonable?

Love,
Octomom

PS: How can I be more like you and get entire countries to donate to me?