The Poop Scoop: During our last few days in Jakarta, Helmut and I decide it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee…

Dear Hewdge readers, while in Jakarta I discover something incredible, and it has to do with coffee! Yes, I am talking about THE most expensive coffee in the world and it comes from Indonesia! Each coffee bean used in this product makes the most interesting ‘inner journey’, so to speak, that I feel it is a process worth describing. So how does this particular coffee, called KOPI LUWAK, become such a precious commodity? To begin with, the sweetest and ripest red coffee ‘cherries’ are eaten by a strange, cat-like mammal, called a Palm Civet.

Once inside this creature’s stomach, the coffee beans soak up enzymes and gastric juices, then carry on through the intestines until they are at last, excreted (or may I use the word defecated?). After emerging partially digested, the beans are gathered, sun-dried, and lightly roasted before eventually ending up costing a coffee drinker in New York or Tokyo $30 a cup! Isn’t that marvelous? To celebrate this triumph of profitable recycling, and in delicious anticipation of future dinner parties, Helmut and I grab every packet of Kopi Luwak we can lay our rubber-gloved hands on! Dear readers, this is truly a beverage not to be sniffed at!

What fun then, do Helmut and I have in store for our dear friends and future dining companions? Well, while our guests are sipping their après-dinner Kopi Luwak coffee, Helmut and I will insist on telling them, with the aid of colour diagrams, all about its scatological history and will SO ENJOY watching their faces as we talk feces! . Should there be the odd, humorless guest who starts to feel queasy, Helmut will point again to the graphic pictures, then back to their cup, and jokingly ask if they would like a REFILL!!

Leader of the Free World

While we are in Jakarta, we take the opportunity to visit the primary school once attended by a current leader of the free world. Simon Cowell? Rupert Murdoch? Lady Gaga?  No, I am referring of course, to Barak Obama, 44th President of the United States! In the modest front courtyard stands President Obama’s statue, which depicts him at the age of eight, smiling broadly and in a grandiose gesture, lifting up his hand towards what could possibly be the Debt Ceiling

Dear readers, this is a powerful and prescient moment, and to mark its solemnity, Helmut and I both reach into our Indonesian sweat-shop hoodie pockets for some gum…

Leaving Jakarta

Alas, a few days later, it is time to leave Jakarta for the next city on our Going Global tour -Saigon – but irritatingly, when Helmut and I arrive at the airport, we are told we cannot board our flight! Is this because we are overburdened with the Bombay? No, much worse! We cannot fly because we do not have the required visa to enter Vietnam! Immediately, Helmut and I spring into action and try offering a bribe, but unfortunately, stockpiling Kopi Luwak has depleted our resources…

Back in Jakarta for two extra days, we book a high-end hotel near a shopping mall, but to our surprise, find that the wall that separates our bedroom from our bathroom is made ENTIRELY of GLASS. This is because the bath and toilet being visible from the bedroom area, is the latest annoying hotel trend!

The next morning, I peer through our glass wall into the bathroom, and offer Helmut a cup of Kopi Luwak while he’s ‘powdering his nose’. But he is strangely irate and aims his new paperback ‘Civet Farming For Dummies’ directly at my Bombay Sapphire. I believe I also hear him mutter, “Dammit, leave me to recycle my recycled coffee beans in peace!”, but dear readers, I am FAR too busy restocking the mini-bar to answer the dear man…

Next posting: Helmut and I reach Saigon and see red at last!

Below, Hewdge publishes selected extracts of 9-11 mastermind, Osama bin Laden’s diary, taken during a raid at his home in Abbottabad, Pakistan on May 1st, 2011.

May 13, 2004
Sick of cave….Allah be praised, the house in Abbottabad is almost ready! Wives and kids excited. Must get a garbage disposal installed, hose connected in guest bathroom…oh, and destroy US train system. Allahu Akbar!

June 17, 2005
New wife arrives from Yemen…Jeez, finally! Insha’Allah she will get on well with the other two, but of course, a little competition never harms…..speaking of which, Al Zarqawi is getting right up my nose. Have decided to dye my beard. Image is everything. God is Great!

Sept 11, 2006
Things going well, Nushkur Allah!  9-11 anniversary today… always a warm fuzzy feeling. Celebrated by cooking a goat dinner for a hundred Pakistani close couriers. Watched the video. Wives made popcorn. A good day. God is Great!

Dec 3, 2008
Depressed. Wives and kids bickering, plus no mention of me in the news…What’s it all about Osama? Need to plan something spectacular, but what? Strange but true, a man with nearly my name is now president of the Great Satan. Is Allah trying to tell me something?  Where is Baby Bush? I miss him…

Jan 12, 2010
Can’t sleep …millions of kids running amuk. Boiler not working.  Luckily, Ninendo 3 arrived today via courier. Love the 3D effect. This has given me some great ideas…God, too, is Great!

March 21, 2011
One of the kids (was it Mohamad?) broke my headphones. This is not good. Super Street Fighter requires the utmost concentration…

March 31, 2011
Hair-dye arrived today and it was the WRONG son-of-a-dog colour. Courier will have to die. Am re-evaluating life. Have reached level 5 in Super Street Fighter 1V, but is it enough? Should I have done more? What would Mohamad do?

May 1, 2011
Praise Allah, my new Bose QuietComfort 3, Noise-Canceling Headphones arrived this evening, which means that, after prayers and cocoa, I can finally concentrate on getting my Super Street Fighter score up to 3,600. Planning a super fun All-Nighter thanks to newly-harvested pot plants and USAID Hershey Bars. Allahu Akbar! God is Great!

more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1383429/Osama-Bin-Laden-dead-Marijuana-grew-near-luxury-compound-Abbottabad.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Via Huffington Post

Since he crashed down from Krypton 1938, Superman has been as American as apple pie. With the wind rippling over his red and blue costume as he flew through the air, through comic books, TV shows and movies, the Man of Steel has served as a prime representation of all things to which America aspires.

Now, in a time of great international turmoil, Superman is giving up his national identity.

In “Action Comics #900,” Superman will renounce his American citizenship, rejecting the international notion that his actions are part of US policy. The shift comes after a personal visit to Iran in support of protestors leads President Ahmadinejad to believe America was declaring war against the government in Tehran.

By rejecting his citizenship, Superman will now work on a grander international scale, because, as he says, “truth, justice and the American way… it’s not enough anymore”

Whether this impacts the upcoming Superman franchise reboot film “Man of Steel,” remains to be seen, but it will most certainly take the legendary hero in a new direction.

The death of a charismatic Indian guru, Sathya Sai Baba, who built up a worldwide following of up to 50 million people, has triggered an unholy scramble for control of his £5.5 billion empire. (click here to read more: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/india/8471134/Sathya-Sai-Babas-death-triggers-fight-for-his-5.5-billion-empire.ht

Below, well known Indian guru, Swami Ramdev Yadav, pays tribute to the enigmatic Sathya Sai Baba with an open letter to Hewdge.

Namaste

It is with very regret and heaviness at heart that I am relating the deathly news of Sathya Sai Baba – a holiest guru and a manly man who was a beloved to many worshiping and sometimes celebrity peoples.
Yet, at this very current moment, the news is being so full of dastardly stories of Sai Baba that I am not believing my own very eyes and ears!
Rapscallion reporters are delighting to spread untruthfulness about Sai Baba and in particularly, his dalliances with many lovely boys. But this I am knowing absolutely: no such naughtiness was occurring in his ashram! This is shamefully gossip! Sai Baba was humble, and truthfully a holy man who was not just for thinking of riches. No, it is the OPPOSITE!!  Sai Baba on very much occasions was giving money and gold to others. In fact, his own billions in a Swiss banks was having no meaning to this very saint!

Since his present incarnation is no longer, I am freely to offer Sai Baba’s devotees my expertise of much financial techniques. Especially, I am full of happiness to take over Sai Baba’s gigantic empire. Like this humble of man, riches have no meaning for me also when I am flying by my private jet to the Swiss.

Namaste
Swami Ramdev

Responding to the news that Colonel Moammar Gaddafi uses body doubles to help confuse his enemies, roving reporter, Helga Hewston, manages to track down one of the Colonel’s so-called ‘Moammar’s Boys’ in Libya. In this first interview, conducted in a fast-moving military jeep, Helga talks to Gaddafi look-alike, British national, Jihad Nihad of Peckham, south London.

Helga: Mr Nihad, how long have you worked as one of the colonel’s body doubles?

Jihad: oh, let’s see…about 6 weeks now…Oh, shit..luv…hold on….have to address my fans..
“ONLY THOSE WHO ARE TRULY INSANE CANNOT LOVE ME, OH MY FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS!!”
By the way, call me Moammar or Colonel Gaddafi while I’m on duty, OK?

Helga: yeah, whatever….so tell me Jihad, what were you doing in Peckham before you came here to pose as Gaddafi?

Jihad: I was the chief hair stylist at the Peckham Health & Beauty Spa…wait one sec…have to really shout this out…
“YES, MY PEOPLE, WE WILL FILL THE STREETS WITH THE BLOOD OF THE BETRAYERS!!!!!”
Er…so what was I saying, luvvie?

Helga: Don’t call me ‘luvvie’. Does working as the Colonel’s body-double pay well?

Jihad: yep. Did you see that faaabulous picture of me on the cover of the Guardian?

Helga: No.

So..anyway……where is the REAL Gaddafi at this moment?

Jihad: Oh, you’re good, Helga, you’re very good…

Helga: Well….? Where is he???

Jihad: Let’s just say that right now, my clients back at the Peckham Spa are complaining about what a BITCH I’ve become…

Helga: you mean……? Gaddafi..?….in Peckham….???

Jihad: think I’ve said enough luvvie….Moammar’s the word!! ooh, look!!..great hordes of fans coming my way…where’s that bloody megaphone..?
“LIFE WITHOUT DIGNITY IS WORTHLESS – DEATH TO THE TRAITORS!!!”

“When Katie and I got married, it was the most romantic occasion EVER. Period. I wanted to CRY and laugh at the same time… As for the wedding dress, well, it was all Katie’s decision…and naturally, the Church helped her decide. As Scientologists, we’re not allowed to talk or make any kind of loud noise in front of the bridal gown before the wedding, as spirits of dead aliens could take over. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it.”

Victoria Beckham – underwear model & fashion victim

“I fink it is quite clevva of Kate to ‘ave free diff’rent dresses – one is never enuf is it? I only ‘ad one dress at my weddin’, but it ‘ad to be taken in free times, coz me weight kept changin’…. In them days, we woz trend-setters. Now, every Tom, Dick and ‘Arry is frowin’ up their breakfast, not just them brides. This is the kinda fing wot makes me sad.”

‘Allo ‘Ewdge readers!
First of awl, I ‘ave to say, me an’ Victoria ain’t ‘arf ‘appy about baby number 4, wot is coming soon… An’ wot is more, readers, it is a GERWL!! That is bril for me wife coz she plans to do girlie fings wiv ‘er later, wot involve fashion and frowin’ up.

More ‘appy news, readers! We ‘ave also bin invited to the Royawl Weddin’,  a bloomin’ posh event wot is ‘appenin’ at the end of this munf.

Sumtimes, I fink back to the day when me and Victoria got ‘itched an’ we sat on our gold frones togevva, pretending we woz royawl, but now I fink, ‘ang on David, get a grip mate, William is royawl jus’ coz ‘is ancestors managed to cut the ‘eads off more blokes than wot my ancestors did, right? BUT, if bowf our ancestors ‘ad to kick them ‘eads into a GOAL, then I would be on the frone now an’ not Wills. ‘An wot is more amusing, my Victoria would be Queen….

Blimey…..food fer fought, innit?

David B

Nadya Suleman, the fertile and fast-talking Octomom, has been busy. Last month, she appeared on TV show, The View, where she revealed that she might even want another baby, “someday far, far, far, far in the future … if I meet somebody.”

She has also been having trouble raising the $450,000 needed to pay off her mortgage. What’s a gal to do? Enter Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment, one of the world’s largest purveyors of adult films, who announced last week that his company would pay off Nadya’s mortgage if she would make a porn film.

At the same time, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has approached her with a slightly more modest offer – $5,000 to put a sign in her front yard proclaiming, “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.”

As an added incentive, the animal rights organization said it would throw in a month’s supply of veggie burgers and veggie hot dogs for the fecund female and her 14 children, who range in age from 1 to 8.

Read the full story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100325/ap_on_bi_ge/us_octuplets

Helga Hewston, roving reporter for Hewdge, caught up with Nadya Suleman at her home in California, where she agreed to an in-depth interview

Helga: Nadya, how did you first hear about PETA’s spaying and neutering campaign?

Nadya: Ok, well, one of my vol… …oh ferchrissakes, hang on….one of the kids is escaping….oh yep, number twelve…Get the f*** back here, ya little brat!! As I was saying, one of my volunteers told me about PETA.

Helga: Go on…

Nadya: Yeah, right now, I have lots of offers coming my way…Hey you! Kid! Get back here! Whatever the hell your number is!! As well as PETA, I’ve had another offer to star in an adult movie. Cool huh? Did you see me on The View last month?

Helga: No. Were you ever an animal rights activist?

Nadya: Ha! Take a look around honey…this place is a ZOO!

Helga: Don’t call me honey. So what will you do with your fees from PETA?

Nadya: You know….it’s a question that gives me sleepless nights. Should I have the full tummy tuck or should I just work on the boobs? It’s a BIG decision…if you know what I mean… Oh shit!…hang on…..OH NO!!!!!!

Helga: ….hmm…don’t tell me….another one of your 14 kids trying to escape?

Nadya: Hell no!…MUCH worse – a volunteer trying to escape!

Helga: Nadya, you never disappoint. Go for the spaying dear…er…the campaign I mean…

Pop Star Elton thinks Jesus was gay

In a magazine interview, he said: “I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.

“On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving.”

The 62-year-old also confessed that fame has now lost its shine for him.

Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/religion/7268600/Jesus-was-gay-says-Elton-John.html

Celebrities, a Cardinal and a Guru weigh in on Elton’s ‘Jesus was gay’ statement

Cardinal Ernesto Ciccolotta  – Head of PR, Vatican City

Signor Elton
As you are uno magnifico artista, I will overlook the fact that you are a ‘po ‘omosessuale’. But, why Elton? WHY do you say these terrible gay things about our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ?
I suppose you think we Cardinals are all gay too? Ha, how ridiculous! My cute Brazilian housekeeper Alfredo, is laughing at this while he is ironing my frock…

David Beckham – Footballer and Metrosexual Underwear Model

Oy, Elton mate!
Wot’s all this about yoo callin’ Jesus a nancy-boy? That ain’t funny mate! Yoo ain’t got no respect, cos, in your fick ‘ead evree bloke wot wears a long dress is a shirt-lifter!
Sum peeple fink that I’m a poofta too, jus’ cos I wear a wraparound skirt, but that don’t mean nuffink! Elton, me mate, I like yer moosic, but don’ mess wiv me messiah!

Swami Baba Ramdev

Namaste – I am disagreeing most very profoundly with you, Sahib John. I, and my followers are believing that wholeheartedly Jesus was being a holy man and that is clearly at all the Christian peoples. I am being full with suspicions that maybe Sahib John, you are  practicing the female avoiding abhorrent positions and this is indeed unholy and licentiousness! Your truly practicing of the praanayaama breathing yoga lifestyles will indeed be restoring your kundalini shakti. Also diets can be helping you in the so-doing. Namaste

Tom Cruise – Scientologist Operating Thetan Level V11

Elton
C’mon, are you really saying Jesus was GAY? You Brits are so precious! If we Scientologists, heard that some little ponce-pianist was calling our glorious leader, L. Ron Hubbard a faggot, we’d jump off our sofas and kick-ass! Hey, man, are you on aspirin or caffeine or some other equally dangerous mind-fuck??