Hewdge » Celebrity

Beware of Men In Dresses

helga — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 18:22:39 +0000

Beware of men in dresses

Who feel the need to pray

EXCEPT those wearing make-up

(Or, if they happen to be gay!)

Avoid all men in dresses

Unless they are in Drag

And mince around in high heels

and call themselves a ‘Fag’

Steer clear of men in dresses

Meaning Clergymen, not Lay

They wear gowns whose very fabric

Society should FRAY!

Run a mile from men in long frocks

Be they Bishops, Priests or Popes

UNLESS they are Cross-Dressers

and act in Prime-time Soaps

If a man you know wears dresses

UNFROCK him! Bid Goodbye!

‘Cos if he’s not a Queen or Tranny

Then I fear…..the END is NIGH….

Helga Hewston

London, England (CNN) — Gay rights groups have expressed outrage over comments made by a senior Vatican official linking homosexuality to child abuse.

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, who also serves as the Vatican’s Secretary of State, made the comment during a news conference while on an official visit to Chile.

“Many psychologists, many psychiatrists have demonstrated that there is no relationship between celibacy and pedophilia but many others have demonstrated, I was told recently, that there is a relationship between homosexuality and pedophilia,” he said.

Porn, PETA Or Parenting? Octomom Decides

helga — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 09:15:50 +0000

Nadya Suleman, the fertile and fast-talking Octomom, has been busy. Last month, she appeared on TV show, The View, where she revealed that she might even want another baby, “someday far, far, far, far in the future … if I meet somebody.”

She has also been having trouble raising the $450,000 needed to pay off her mortgage. What’s a gal to do? Enter Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment, one of the world’s largest purveyors of adult films, who announced last week that his company would pay off Nadya’s mortgage if she would make a porn film.

At the same time, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has approached her with a slightly more modest offer – $5,000 to put a sign in her front yard proclaiming, “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.”

As an added incentive, the animal rights organization said it would throw in a month’s supply of veggie burgers and veggie hot dogs for the fecund female and her 14 children, who range in age from 1 to 8.

Read the full story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100325/ap_on_bi_ge/us_octuplets

Helga Hewston, roving reporter for Hewdge, caught up with Nadya Suleman at her home in California, where she agreed to an in-depth interview

Helga: Nadya, how did you first hear about PETA’s spaying and neutering campaign?

Nadya: Ok, well, one of my vol… …oh ferchrissakes, hang on….one of the kids is escaping….oh yep, number twelve…Get the f*** back here, ya little brat!! As I was saying, one of my volunteers told me about PETA.

Helga: Go on…

Nadya: Yeah, right now, I have lots of offers coming my way…Hey you! Kid! Get back here! Whatever the hell your number is!! As well as PETA, I’ve had another offer to star in an adult movie. Cool huh? Did you see me on The View last month?

Helga: No. Were you ever an animal rights activist?

Nadya: Ha! Take a look around honey…this place is a ZOO!

Helga: Don’t call me honey. So what will you do with your fees from PETA?

Nadya: You know….it’s a question that gives me sleepless nights. Should I have the full tummy tuck or should I just work on the boobs? It’s a BIG decision…if you know what I mean… Oh shit!…hang on…..OH NO!!!!!!

Helga: ….hmm…don’t tell me….another one of your 14 kids trying to escape?

Nadya: Hell no!…MUCH worse – a volunteer trying to escape!

Helga: Nadya, you never disappoint. Go for the spaying dear…er…the campaign I mean…

Snubbed ‘Prince’ Causes Gays To Mass En Masse: David Beckham ‘Orrified’

helga — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:44:58 +0000

A priest’s refusal to grant communion to a gay man has led to uproar in the Catholic south of the Netherlands. A multitude of gay men now look set to descend on Sunday mass in the city of Den Bosch.

Prince Gijs is no ordinary royal. His reign only lasted three days and his realm extended no further than the borders of the small town of Reusel. Gijs, known in everyday life as Gijs Vermeulen, a 24-year old bartender, was his hometown’s Prince of the Carnival. Every year, towns in the Netherland’s Catholic south elect their own buffoonish royalty, an honour generally bestowed on the more festive members of the community. Prince Gijs might have been a wise and benevolent leader – but he is also a homosexual one. That alone was enough for his local church to refuse this atypical nobleman holy communion.

Read the full story: http://www.nrc.nl/international/article2493108.ece/Snubbed,_homosexuals_head_to_mass_en_masse

David Beckham, football legend, underwear model and family man, is a regular columnist for Hewdge:

I am trulee ‘ORRIFIED wiv this storee! I always fawt that ‘olland was progressif, yeah? It’s got awl them ‘ash coffee shops wiv weed an’ evreefink on the menu, an’ it ain’t got no slums or nuffink…

‘At last them gays ‘ave found ‘eaven on ‘earf,’ I said to meself. So when I read about them caff-lic preests wot dee-nyed ‘olee co-moo-nyun to them nancy-boys, I was well pissed off, an’ no mistake!

We awl got our fawts, ain’t we, but them caff-lic preests (or ‘Dirty Beasts’ in me best cockney) are wot I like to cawl ‘olier than thou’.

I fink awl ‘em dutch trannies in full gear should mince on down to that church in stiletto ‘eels an’ show them ‘Dirty Beasts’ wot a real bloke in a dress looks like.

Me wife Victoria, an’ me free kids, ‘ave always ‘ad a fing for the under-dog. Jus’ cos this Prince bloke is a pillow-biter, that don’t mean ‘ee ain’t a good geezer, right?

I am wun ‘undred percent be’ind them batty-boys, an’ I ain’t too ‘appy wiv them god-bovvering preests, wot ‘ave got more frocks than me dear old auntie Lil. D. Beckham

Jesus Was Gay, Says Elton John

helga — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 09:42:00 +0000

Pop Star Elton thinks Jesus was gay

In a magazine interview, he said: “I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.

“On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving.”

The 62-year-old also confessed that fame has now lost its shine for him.

Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/religion/7268600/Jesus-was-gay-says-Elton-John.html

Celebrities, a Cardinal and a Guru weigh in on Elton’s ‘Jesus was gay’ statement

Cardinal Ernesto Ciccolotta – Head of PR, Vatican City

Signor Elton
As you are uno magnifico artista, I will overlook the fact that you are a ‘po ‘omosessuale’. But, why Elton? WHY do you say these terrible gay things about our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ?
I suppose you think we Cardinals are all gay too? Ha, how ridiculous! My cute Brazilian housekeeper Alfredo, is laughing at this while he is ironing my frock…

David Beckham – Footballer and Metrosexual Underwear Model

Oy, Elton mate!
Wot’s all this about yoo callin’ Jesus a nancy-boy? That ain’t funny mate! Yoo ain’t got no respect, cos, in your fick ‘ead evree bloke wot wears a long dress is a shirt-lifter!
Sum peeple fink that I’m a poofta too, jus’ cos I wear a wraparound skirt, but that don’t mean nuffink! Elton, me mate, I like yer moosic, but don’ mess wiv me messiah!

Swami Baba Ramdev

Namaste – I am disagreeing most very profoundly with you, Sahib John. I, and my followers are believing that wholeheartedly Jesus was being a holy man and that is clearly at all the Christian peoples. I am being full with suspicions that maybe Sahib John, you are practicing the female avoiding abhorrent positions and this is indeed unholy and licentiousness! Your truly practicing of the praanayaama breathing yoga lifestyles will indeed be restoring your kundalini shakti. Also diets can be helping you in the so-doing. Namaste

Tom Cruise – Scientologist Operating Thetan Level V11

Elton
C’mon, are you really saying Jesus was GAY? You Brits are so precious! If we Scientologists, heard that some little ponce-pianist was calling our glorious leader, L. Ron Hubbard a faggot, we’d jump off our sofas and kick-ass! Hey, man, are you on aspirin or caffeine or some other equally dangerous mind-fuck??

Beatles’ Drummer Ringo: ‘I have found God’

helga — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:03:10 +0000

Ringo Starr, the Beatles’ drummer, has admitted he has “found God” after taking what he described as a winding life of enlightenment.

The reformed rock legend, who turns 70 in July, admitted he had lost his way when he was younger, first as a Beatle then later after the group broke up. He experimented with LSD and marijuana when he was a Beatle in the 1960s, then later in the 1970s suffered alcohol and cocaine problems.

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Starr, who is now a teetotal and has quit his 60-a-day cigarette habit, said that religion was one of the most important aspects in his life. Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/the-beatles/7142630/The-Beatles-drummer-Ringo-Starr-admits-I-have-found-God.html

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi Writes a ‘Welcome to God’ Open Letter to Ringo

Dear Signore Starr,

You have found God! Sono felice!! I am so happy because it is NEVER too late… Even though you have led a lascivious and drug-sodden life thus far, praise be that you have come into HIS fold to receive HIS blessings!

As one of Rome’s Cardinals (and best boyhood friend to Italian Prime Minister, Sylvio Berlusconi), I would be honored to be your spiritual mentor. It is always a pleasure to receive even the most debauched of confessions and in return, bestow peace and forgiveness upon the true penitent.

In fact, before he returned to his heavenly home, our most beloved Papa, John Paul (may he be granted an early Sainthood!) confessed to me that he was rather too fond of ‘the belt’.

This innocent and touching revelation has only recently come to public light, but it has been shocking, SHOCKING, the way the Holy Father’s pious acts of daily (and nightly) devotion to ‘La Dea’ as he fondly used to call God’s leather instrument, has been distorted by the press!

Why, Signore Starr, I will be the first to admit that I feel MUCH nearer to God’s true mercy after a jolly good flagellation. I feel that you, being a drummer, will be a ‘natural’.

God bless you and keep you

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35079187/

helga — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:42:40 +0000

Paul Daniels, the television magician, stripped down to his underwear to parody one of David Beckham’s risqué adverts for Emporio Armani.

via www.telegraph.co.uk

Photo: Bauer Media

The 71-year-old adopted the provocative pose in a spoof photoshoot for the women’s magazine Closer.

The magician even copied the England footballer’s distinctive tattoos, although eagle-eyed readers may pick up on slight differences in their physiques.

“Looking at David, I thought about all the work that had gone into his six-pack and I realised how happy I am with my one-pack,” Daniels told the Daily Mail.

This is not the first time that Daniels has shed his clothes in tribute to Beckham.

David Beckham comments:

“Yeah, Victoria, me wife an’ muvver of me free kiddies, finks it’s a good larf. Sum peeple ask me wot I fink about me mate Paul lookin’ ‘andsome in the foto, an’ i tell ‘em, it’s like we got sep’rated at birf!! Ain’t it brill’yant to see wot a bit of make-up can do fer a bloke?? It’s magik! FANK YOO Paul, I luv ya!”

David Beckham “Pissed Off” At Dad Who Spoke Only Klingon To Baby Son

helga — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 10:46:42 +0000

Our regular contributor, David Beckham, media darling, devoted ‘usband an’ farva of free’, reacts harshly this week to a recent article found on the American blog-site, the Huffington Post.

The disturbing but true story, tells of a linguist father, d’Armond Speers, who spoke to his baby son only in Klingon (’tlhIngan Hol‘ in Klingon) for the first three years of his son’s life, as a kind of linguistic experiment.

Star-Trek fans or ‘Trekkies’ will know that ‘Klingonese’ is a language spoken by the warrior race of alien beings (and on-off enemy of the Starship Federation) called the Klingons. Even though their language is an invention of Star Trek writers, it has inspired a serious world-wide cult following, as well as its own syntax and grammar rules.

Read the full HuffPo story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/19/darmond-speers-dad-spoke_n_363477.html

‘Allo ‘Ewdge Readers

I gotta tell you, me an’ me wife Victoria were well pissed off wen we ‘eard about this geezer wot ownlee spoke to ‘is kid in Klingon

Fer gawd’s sake, wot kind of poncy farva tawks to ‘is kiddie in sum poxy alien Star Trek language, wot ain’t real?

That is child abuse fer starters, innit?

An wot about the farva’s name? ‘d’Amond’ sumfink or ovva….’Ow pree-ten-shus!

Wun fing I will say is that my boys Brooklyn, Romeo an’ baby Cruz, ‘ave a muvva an’ farva wot luvs ‘em te deaf, an’ ‘oo ain’t afraid te tawk te them kiddies in proppa English.

Wun day them boys are gonna fank us for ‘ow they was brung up

David Beckham Speaks Out On Healthy Clothing

helga — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 21:49:31 +0000

Dear Hewdge readers
The H1N1 strain of influenza is in the air. Not to alarm you of course, just our way of saying that it’s a hot topic….erm, not in a fever sense naturally, but in a ‘vaccine is ready’ sense.
Yes, everyone is talking about the newly-tested vaccine…should they or shouldn’t they take it? A big decision. What if you could wear a smart suit and thus avoid getting the virus altogether? Crazy? Not if you’re Japanese and used to wacky inventions. Read the full story of the ‘flu-suit’ below.
David Beckham, footballer and ‘varva of free’ reveals how his wife and ex-Spice girl, Victoria, loves the idea of healthy clothing and is making her own leisure-wear plans to help protect against the virus.

Jus’ let me say I fink it’s’ clevva wot them Japs ‘ave dun. They ‘ave put two fings toogevva – ‘ealth and fashun and that ain’t easy, right?
Me wife Victoria, who ain’t ‘arf as fin ‘as wot sum peeple fink, ‘as been inspired by them Jap ‘flu suits’ and is tawkin’ about makin’ a Bikini wot ‘elps peeple stay ‘ealthy.
That is me wife Victoria froo and froo..…always busy wiv trying to ‘elp uvver peeple. Wot ‘ave I dun to deserve ‘er? Really…wot ‘ave I dun? David B

Snoop Dogg Attacks Berlusconi Over Obama ‘Tan’ Remark

helga — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 22:29:57 +0000

Hewdge has been following the outpouring of irritation at Italian Prime Minister Sylvio Berlusconi’s latest gaffe, where he once again refers to US President Obama’s ‘tan’.
Read the full and unbelievable story here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/sep/28/obama-tan-berlusconi
Among the most offended of Obama’s fans is gangsta rapper, Snoop Dogg, who you may remember, visited Beirut only a few weeks ago. In the following letter, Snoop expresses his feelings towards Mr Berlusconi, in his usual clear and eloquent style.

Yo, Sylvizzle,
Fo’ Shizzle dude, yo is lunchin’, cuz yo is mo than fitty, yo dig? Yo ain’t straight man, yo wack, yo know what I’m sayin’?
Yo axe ma nizzle one mo’ time if he be tanned, I’m a busta cap in yo ass. Ma nizzle is a payce dawg, yo know what I’m sayin’? Yo ain’t gonna diss him, wanksta, yo dig? Whas goin’ down wid yo and that I-talyan fugly ho, yo know what I’m sayin’?

Which, roughly translated means:

Well, Mister Berlusconi, there’s no doubt you are going a little bit crazy, maybe because of your age. After all, you are over 50. Do you get it? You’re really not being fair. If you ask my President one more time if he’s ‘tanned’ I will shoot you in the behind.
President Obama is a man of peace and you cannot disrespect him like some kind of idiot. Do you understand what I am saying? Do you get it? By the way, what is the latest news story concerning you and that ****ing ugly Italian ‘Lady of the Night’? Do you know what I’m saying?

Berlusconi Refers To Obama’s Tan – Again!

helga — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:26:40 +0000

Obama’s wife Michelle also called ‘tanned’ by Berlusconi in latest gaffe at rally of conservative supporters

www.guardian.co.uk

Barack Obama with his wife, Michelle, as they greet Silvio Berlusconi at the G20 dinner in Pittsburgh last week. Photograph: Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty Images

The Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, has repeated his reference to Barack Obama’s “tan” – and this time made a wisecrack about Michelle Obama’s skin colour, too.

Berlusconi told a Milan rally of conservative supporters yesterday that he was bringing greetings from the United States from “What’s his name? Some tanned guy. Ah, Barack Obama!”

He added: “You won’t believe it, but two of them went to the beach, because the wife is also tanned.”

Last week photographs showed Michelle Obama greeting many leaders at the G20 summit in Pittsburgh summit with a kiss but stiffly holding out her arm for a handshake when she came to greet Berlusconi.

Pictures show Berlusconi gazing at Mrs Obama’s gown, instead of her face, and holding his arms out as if in delight at what he sees, while the US president looks on, apparently not amused.

Berlusconi has been on the defensive over a sex scandal that erupted last spring after his wife complained that the 72-year-old prime minister was infatuated with young women and announced she was divorcing him.

Prosecutors in the southern Italian city of Bari are investigating as a suspect in a cocaine investigation a local businessman who has said he sent some 30 young women to dinners and parties at Berlusconi’s Rome palazzo and Sardinian villa. The businessman told investigators he paid the women’s expenses and in some cases extra money in case they had sex with the prime minister.

Berlusconi was unaware of these arrangements, the businessman said. The prime minister, who is not under investigation in the scandal, has denied ever paying for sex.

At yesterday’s rally, Berlusconi also said that the cordial relationship between the US and Italy was intact. He delivered a backhanded compliment to the US president when referring to Obama’s use of a teleprompter in public speeches: “He’s not reckless like those of us who say what comes to mind. We all asked ourselves: ‘Does he know what he’s doing, or is he just someone who knows how to read well?’

“But he’s all there, in a big way, and that should make us all happy and satisfied because we need the greatest democracy, the greatest country, to be in trustworthy hands,” Berlusconi said.