Category Archives: Celebrity

Is Sir Elton John Too Old And Too Gay To Adopt?

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25E72236-9C8F-B13B-E31E7B3ED4EAB8D9Sir Elton John, short, flamboyant superstar and devoted husband to Canadian film maker David Furnish, is disappointed that his initial bid to adopt a Ukrainian infant has been rejected. Click here to read the full story: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/14/elton-john-deemed-too-old_n_285667.html
Hewdge has taken this opportunity to publish three letters to Elton (from Tom Cruise, Madame Gris-Gris – Medium to the stars, and Octomom), highlighting the quagmire that is celebrity adoption.

Dear Elton
Regarding your attempt to adopt a Ukrainian infant, I have to agree with the minister for Family, Youth and Sports, Mr Yuriy Pavlenko, who thinks you’re too old and too gay.
Elton, have you thought about how that poor little Ukrainian infant will turn out, with you and your ‘same-sex partner’, mincing round that huge mansion, being fed Advil every time a tooth comes through? Pain-killers are of course, DISGUSTING! We Scientologists have to ask: How can you and your gay lover be positive role models to that innocent child, if you insist on giving him over-the-counter medication?

Yours,
Tom Cruise

Mon Cher Elton
During my last séance with Michael, he instructed me to contact you toute suite. ’Call my little fag friend Elton,’ he wailed, ‘and tell him if he really wants a child, to get  together with Debbie Rowe…she is free at last, free at last!’
Strange, haunting words, Elton, but who are we to understand those who have passed on to the spirit world?
By the way, I take private bookings and will be in the UK from September to November.

A Bientot,
Madame Gris-gris

Dear Sir Elton
We’ve never met, but I have been a fan of yours since I was little. Now I have kids of my own – 14 in fact, and I’m looking for a good home for some of the latest batch. I think you and your partner David would make ideal parents. Can you take 5 or 6? This would help pay for liposuction on my upper thighs

Hoping to hear from you,
Octomom

PS: I only use one name for those kids, because they all look alike

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David Beckham: Posh Pissed At ‘Idol’ Judge Choice

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poshandbecks_narrowweb__300x400,0Since the news broke that American comedienne and icon, Ellen DeGeneres has been chosen to be the permanent judge on American Idol, reactions have been flooding in, not all of them positive. Click here to read the full story: http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/ellen-degeneres-newamerican-idol-judge-1784719.html


Hewdge’s Helga Hewston takes the opportunity to interview David Beckham, perfume-pusher and devoted husband to one-time guest Idol judge, Victoria.

HH: David, how do you feel about the latest American Idol decision?

DB: I am well pissed off that me wife, an’ the muvva of me free kids, ain’t been picked te be the forf judge on Idol.

HH. Hmm….How do you think this decision came about?

DB: I fink it’s cos them Idol producers ain’t got their fingers on the pulse of the music biz. They fink they ‘ave……..but they ain’t.

HH: What does Victoria say?

DB: She gets out ‘er bottles of laxatives and asks: “Why wot’s ‘er name, fer gawd’s sake???!” She’s gutted, poor cow. ‘Ave yer tried my new perfume range?

HH: No. So how is Victoria now?

DB: You know sumfink? Me wife’s a lady froo and froo. She told me she don’t ‘old a grudge against that fat old tart…

HH. Indeed. What would you like to say to the new Idol judge, Ellen DeGeneres?

DB: I’d like te say: Look luv, if you ‘appen te find an ugly little wooden doll in yer dressing room, wiv pins stuck froo the ‘eart, don’t fink it’s sumfink to do wiv my Victoria, will yer?

HH:  Have a good life, David….

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Cardinal Defends Italian Prime Minister’s Decision To Sue Call Girl

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berluscDear Readers
Hewdge is sometimes the only true sanctuary that a person of consequence might flee to when avoiding the savage glare of the international media spotlight. In the case of Italy’s prime minister, Sylvio Berlusconi, who has been accused of sleeping with prostitutes and even of being a sex addict, the Italian press has rendered him the object of amusement among Roman matrons and the butt of tasteless Viagra jokes worldwide. Click here for the full story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/italy/6174403/Silvio-Berlusconi-threatens-to-sue-call-girl.html
However, the promiscuous prime minister does have loyal friends who are ready to support his decision to sue Patrizia D’Addario, a woman who claims that Mr Berlusconi slept with her on a number of occasions for money. One such ally is Roman Catholic Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, Sylvio Berlusconi’s boyhood friend. Hewdge publishes the Cardinal’s open letter, in the hope that the Italian media might pause to consider the damaging impact of its political witch-hunt.


Open letter from Cardnal Gustavo Porchi:

I wish to publicly defend my dear friend and prime minister, Mr Sylvio Berlusconi, against this blatant smear campaign orchestrated by the Italian and international press.
Mr Berlusconi’s private life is his own and he should not have to defend against hearsay, or rather – ‘whore-say’ , from that little tart, Patrizia D’Addario, who is the very worst kind of creature that God ever put on this earth. Why, at night I have heard Sylvio crying, crying into his pillow because of the damage to his reputation! That PUTANESCA is going to burn in the devil’s hell fires for her wickedness!!

At least I am grateful for one thing, that Mama Berlusconi (God rest her soul!) is not here to see her little Sylvio being branded as a common sex addict. I fervently pray that the press allows our prime minister to get on with the serious business of running the country, but should his enemies continue hounding him, we have excellent lawyers permanently on call at the Vatican who are deft at defending against trumped-up allegations in matters of the flesh, if you know what I mean….

For my part, I will immediately cross out that whore’s telephone number from my piccolo libro nero, recite ten Hail Marys, and flagellate myself until my pizza arrives.

May God Bless You And Keep You,
ex toto corde paenitet me,

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi

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Silvio Berlusconi Threatens To Sue Call Girl

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By Nick Squires via www.telegraph.co.uk
Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian prime minister, is considering legal action against a high-class escort girl, accusing her of “attacking” his reputation by claiming to have had sex with him.

Don't blame Silvio Berlusconi, says Umberto Eco, it's the fault of all Italians

Patrizia D’Addario, 42, a prostitute from Bari in southern Italy, claims she secretly taped Mr Berlusconi during a night she claims to have spent with him at the premier’s home in November.

In the tapes, which were obtained by the Italian press, a man identified as Mr Berlusconi is heard telling her to wait for him on “the big bed” while he takes a shower. Continue reading →

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Guru Behind Scottish Yoga Centre Receives Letter From Indignant Tom Cruise

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413461320_239b782573Hewdge, as usual, has been swamped with letters concerning  our latest article about controversial Indian guru, Swami Baba Ramdev, who plans to open a yoga centre on the remote Scottish island of Little Cumbrae. The hirsute swami claims that, among other things, Pranayama Yoga can cure acne, Alzheimer’s and..um..being gay. Click here to read the full story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/6153726/Baba-Ramdev-plans-to-set-up-yoga-retreat-on-remote-Scottish-Island.html

Below, copies of just two of the letters the guru has received, one from Tiny Tom Cruise, mega-star, couch-cruncher and 8th level member of the Church of Scientology, and the other from Mrs McDonald, who runs the local post office on the neighbouring island of Great Cumbrae

Mr Ramdev

I wish to complain about your planned yoga centre on the island of Little Cumbrae. This is a blatent scam to make money out of poor suckers who are physically and mentally ill! To have us believe that ailments such as Alzheimer’s and acne can be cured by the supernatural practice of YOGA, is unkind at best, and evil at worst. The only cure for any dangerous or insidious disease, is to make an appointment with your local Scientologist programmer, who, for a reasonable fee (just under $20,000) will instruct you on how to best cleanse yourself of your Body Thetans or alien spirits. Can yoga do that?

Yours,
Tom Cruise

PS:  Regarding your ‘gay cure‘, I…..er…a friend of mine rather, wants to know which Pranayama exercise you recommend for beginners.
Thanks,
Tom

Dear Mr Swami Baba,

I’m soo excited yer comin’ te the island of Wee Cumbrae te oopen a yooga centre!

Can ye help, Mr Swami?  Mae lad Jimmy has a problem wi‘ his drinkin‘ an‘ I’m worried aboot him.

Aye, the devil is makin‘ work fer his idle hands -  mae Jimmy has nae had a job since his dad was poot away fer head-buttin‘ that poor wee black gentleman

I canna bear te see Jimmy spendin‘ all mae poonds on Glenfiddich. He lounges aboot, scares the sheep an’ refuses to wear his kilt on dance night. D’ye think that yooga can make a man of him?

Yours in hoop,

Maureen McDonald


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A Short Speech, Mr Sarkozy?

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Twenty short people were ordered to stand behind French President Nicolas Sarkozy to make him look taller while delivering a televised speech.

By Peter Allen in Paris

PD*29327875Sarkozy: The extraordinary scene unfolded at the Faurecia motor technology plant in Caligny, south of Caen, in Normandy, last Thursday. Photo: AFP

They were bused in after being “vetted” by aides of the French President who made sure none were more than his own height of 5ft 5ins.

The extraordinary scene unfolded at the Faurecia motor technology plant in Caligny, south of Caen, in Normandy, last Thursday.

Despite Mr Sarkozy’s lack of inches, he looked far more statuesque than usual as he posed in front of the group of white-coated technicians on a specially erected stage. Continue reading →

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Tiny Tom Cruise Responds To Japan’s First Lady

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img_6Another surprise article on Hewdge, and this time the spotlight is on the first lady of Japan. Prime Minister’s wife, Mrs Miyuki Hatoyama, claims in her latest book that, among other things, she has visited Venus in a UFO and that she has met diminutive ‘Mission Impossible’ star Tom Cruise in a previous life.  Read her story:  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/japan/6129871/Japans-new-first-lady-flew-to-Venus-with-UFO.html

As media outlets around the world focus on this striking revelation from such a prominent member of Japanese society, couch-crushing Cruise, responds in an open letter to Hewdge:

Firstly, and for the record, I would like to tell Hewdge readers, that the wild rumours swirling around Hollywood, that I’m gay, are NOT TRUE.

Secondly, concerning the last article posted on Hewdge, it seems that the first lady of Japan, Mrs Miyuki Hatoyama, is claiming that we met for the first time in a previous life, where I was a Japanese. That is ridiculous and dangerous bullshit! I have never been a Japanese!

Could it be that Mrs Hatoyama is getting me just a little mixed up with my movie role where I played an honorary Samurai? (note to self: “Damn, I was good in that part!”)

Personally, I think the dear first lady is on prescription drugs such as tranquilizers or worse, anti-depressants, which would explain her ramblings. This is disgusting! Medication is the devil’s own spawn and her resorting to props is obviously a desperate and irrational cry for help.

Regarding her UFO experiences, well all I can say is: when can she start her Dianetics training? The Church of Scientology needs rich abductees like Mrs Hatoyama, and with the help of a substantial donation from her husband, we can get her up to level 3 in no time at all…

By the way, did I mention I’m not gay?

Nanu Nanu!

Tom Cruise

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Why Do Some Brits Fail In America? Posh Responds

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Victoria Beckham, wife, mother and controlled eater, responds to critics’ claims that some Brits are failing in America (see previous article below)

victoria_beckhamWhy do some Brits fail in America? Well, I don’t  fink they do fail. Jus cos my David ‘as been ‘aving an ‘ard time in LA lately, it don’t mean that we’re failures. Jus cos we don’t say fings like, “ave a nice day” and “I’ll ‘ave jelly wiv that turkey sandwich”, it don’t mean we ain’t genuine people.

I fink it’s a language fing. It’s gotta be, ain’t it? If my David learned to talk wot I call ‘proper American’, he could ‘ave ‘em Yanks eating out of his ‘ands. But, cos we don’t ‘suck up’ as them Yanks like to call it, we ‘ave to take a lots of stick from ‘is fans.

When I was invited to be a forf judge on that American Idol show, it was up to me to show ‘ow cultured us Brits could be.  If you dress proper and you talk proper, like wot I do, you can dazzle them Yanks. My formula for success is: “Jus’ be yerself an’ throw up after every ‘All You Can Eat’ special.” It ain’t rocket science.

Posh Beckham

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Snoop Dogg On Life, Love And Lebanon

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Bad-Boy Rapper "keepin' it real"

Bad-Boy Rapper "keepin' it real"

Snoop Dogg, America’s favourite hip-hop superstar, award-nominated rapper, record producer and actor, is in Lebanon for his debut concert at the Forum de Beyrouth.

Snoop Dogg, who grew up in a tough Californian neighbourhood, or ‘hood’, is known for his bad-boy lyrics or ‘gangsta’ rap. He also popularized the slang term and catch phrase suffix “izzle”, as in a television show he hosted called: Doggy Fizzle Televizzle.

Before his appearance in front of thousands of devoted fans, Helga Hewston, reporter with HEWDGE, Beirut’s leading blogsite, was allowed an exclusive interview with Snoop to talk about love, life and Lebanon.

HH: Pleasure to meet you Snoop… Or do you prefer Mr Dogg?

SD: Hey bitch, fo’ shizzle dizzle, its the big neptizzle with the snoopy d-o double gizzle!

HH:  Well, um, just let me translate that for our Hewdge readers. Snoop is actually saying:

“Hello my dear.  Absolutely you can call me Snoop Dogg”

Now Snoop, what are your first impressions of Beirut?

SD: Helga baby, Beirut is THE place, you know what I’m sayin’? They don’t make no bigger party place….this is IT, this is happenin’, you know what I mean, bitch?

HH: ……So anyway….. what message would you pass on to all your adoring fans in Lebanon?

SD: Fo’shizzle, ain’t nothing to it, but to do it! Have you seen my doggumentary y’all?

HH. No

SD: What do you wanna know, baby? I dont wanna go back to the streets selling drugs or  shootin’ no people, you know what I’m saying?

HH: Um, absolutely. Is there a future Mrs Dogg in the pipeline….a female Dogg…a Bitch, in fact ?

SD: Fo’shizzle, baby! My Beirut trip has in-spired me to write a love song to my bitch back in the hood, know what I’m sayin?

HH: Can we hear it? Do-You-Know-What-I-Am-Saying?

SD: Yo, Helga! Ain’t nothing to it, but do it…..

(At this point Snoop starts rapping)

Yeah man, this is another Beirut classic
We wanna dedicate this one, to all the fellas
who got a hardhead bitch, who just won’t listen
Y’know? The best thing to do, is leave her
Don’t hit her, shake that ho (bitch I’m gone!)

Bitch I’m gone.. oh yeah bitch I’m, oh I, I got to get the, hell outta here
I can’t get through to you
I can’t get through to you, you talk too much, I can’t tell you shit
Bitch, I’m gone.. oh yeah I’m goin’ I got to get out
I’m through wit’chu
Oh yeah, I’m through wit’chu bitch, yeah yeah

HH: It’s hard not to feel the love, Snoop……

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