Dear readers, although it seems from our Going Global travel blog, that Helmut and I are constantly jetting off to exotic locations, I can assure you, that due to restrictions imposed upon us by our humorless probation officer, we find ourselves spending a fair amount of time at home, in our cozy lock-up at Happy Meadows.
But even within this safe harbor, or sofa rehab (which is Helmut’s preferred anagram), I am far too often cajoled out of my comfortable camping chair with its customized built-in mini-bar, to respond to readers’ questions.
The ‘Send Us Packing’ Campaign
Again and again, I am asked by clueless, and quite often toothless, elderly parents, for advice on how to get the most out of their offspring and enjoy a perpetual holiday at their expense. Why ask us, dear readers? Well, I firmly believe it is because Helmut and I are known for having raised progeny who are totally committed to providing us scary old coffin-dodgers with enough money to keep us on the move, on the bottle and out of their lives!
In this post I share a few of my Hand-Out Hints in the hope that you too, will be able to successfully sponge/freeload off your nearest and dearest and elicit sufficient cash, first-class airline tickets and above all, a steady supply of gin, to keep you blotto and airborne well into your twilight years!
Is it that simple? Yes! Begin your campaign by paying your offspring a lengthy and unplanned visit, choose a prominent place to soak your dentures and refuse to leave until you have convinced them just how inexpensive your binge-drinking, jet-setting life would be compared to time spent in a correctional facility, rehab or nursing home.
Irritate Your Offspring!
One of the best ways to make your tight-fisted offspring desperate to send you packing on an extensive, one-way, all-expenses paid trip to the other side of the globe, is to irritate them as much as possible. To follow, some tried and tested methods:
- Block things up. When visiting the offspring, remember to pack your essential senior products, such as dentures, prosthetics, hairpieces and ‘padded products’, then accidentally lodge them in a drain, toilet bowl or toaster, where they can easily burn or clog up the system.
- Wildly exaggerate your declining mental abilities. From misplacing your door keys to forgetting where you last left the grandkids or the car, a sudden ‘memory lapse’ can be fun and, if carried out correctly, will induce apoplexy in your offspring as well as an overwhelming desire to see the back of you.
- Act demented. Another enjoyable ploy is to wander disheveled and zombie-like around your offspring’s garden, in full view of the neighbors, carrying a spade and searching for the last place you buried your gin bottles.