Sir Elton John, short, flamboyant superstar and devoted husband to Canadian film maker David Furnish, is disappointed that his initial bid to adopt a Ukrainian infant has been rejected. Click here to read the full story:

Dear Elton
Regarding your attempt to adopt a Ukrainian infant, I have to agree with the minister for Family, Youth and Sports, Mr Yuriy Pavlenko, who thinks you’re too old and too gay.
Elton, have you thought about how that poor little Ukrainian infant will turn out, with you and your ‘same-sex partner’, mincing round that huge mansion, being fed Advil every time a tooth comes through? Pain-killers are of course, DISGUSTING! We Scientologists have to ask: How can you and your gay lover be positive role models to that innocent child, if you insist on giving him over-the-counter medication?

Yours,
Tom Cruise

Mon Cher Elton
During my last séance with Michael, he instructed me to contact you toute suite. ’Call my little fag friend Elton,’ he wailed, ‘and tell him if he really wants a child, to get  together with Debbie Rowe…she is free at last, free at last!’
Strange, haunting words, Elton, but who are we to understand those who have passed on to the spirit world?
By the way, I take private bookings and will be in the UK from September to November.

A Bientot,
Madame Gris-gris

Dear Sir Elton
We’ve never met, but I have been a fan of yours since I was little. Now I have kids of my own – 14 in fact, and I’m looking for a good home for some of the latest batch. I think you and your partner David would make ideal parents. Can you take 5 or 6? This would help pay for liposuction on my upper thighs

Hoping to hear from you,
Octomom

PS: I only use one name for those kids, because they all look alike

As media outlets around the world focus on this striking revelation from such a prominent member of Japanese society, couch-crushing Cruise, responds in an open letter to Hewdge:

Firstly, and for the record, I would like to tell Hewdge readers, that the wild rumours swirling around Hollywood, that I’m gay, are NOT TRUE.

Secondly, concerning the last article posted on Hewdge, it seems that the first lady of Japan, Mrs Miyuki Hatoyama, is claiming that we met for the first time in a previous life, where I was a Japanese. That is ridiculous and dangerous bullshit! I have never been a Japanese!

Could it be that Mrs Hatoyama is getting me just a little mixed up with my movie role where I played an honorary Samurai? (note to self: “Damn, I was good in that part!”)

Personally, I think the dear first lady is on prescription drugs such as tranquilizers or worse, anti-depressants, which would explain her ramblings. This is disgusting! Medication is the devil’s own spawn and her resorting to props is obviously a desperate and irrational cry for help.

Regarding her UFO experiences, well all I can say is: when can she start her Dianetics training? The Church of Scientology needs rich abductees like Mrs Hatoyama, and with the help of a substantial donation from her husband, we can get her up to level 3 in no time at all…

By the way, did I mention I’m not gay?

Nanu Nanu!

Tom Cruise