Below, Hewdge publishes selected extracts of 9-11 mastermind, Osama bin Laden’s diary, taken during a raid at his home in Abbottabad, Pakistan on May 1st, 2011.

May 13, 2004
Sick of cave….Allah be praised, the house in Abbottabad is almost ready! Wives and kids excited. Must get a garbage disposal installed, hose connected in guest bathroom…oh, and destroy US train system. Allahu Akbar!

June 17, 2005
New wife arrives from Yemen…Jeez, finally! Insha’Allah she will get on well with the other two, but of course, a little competition never harms…..speaking of which, Al Zarqawi is getting right up my nose. Have decided to dye my beard. Image is everything. God is Great!

Sept 11, 2006
Things going well, Nushkur Allah!  9-11 anniversary today… always a warm fuzzy feeling. Celebrated by cooking a goat dinner for a hundred Pakistani close couriers. Watched the video. Wives made popcorn. A good day. God is Great!

Dec 3, 2008
Depressed. Wives and kids bickering, plus no mention of me in the news…What’s it all about Osama? Need to plan something spectacular, but what? Strange but true, a man with nearly my name is now president of the Great Satan. Is Allah trying to tell me something?  Where is Baby Bush? I miss him…

Jan 12, 2010
Can’t sleep …millions of kids running amuk. Boiler not working.  Luckily, Ninendo 3 arrived today via courier. Love the 3D effect. This has given me some great ideas…God, too, is Great!

March 21, 2011
One of the kids (was it Mohamad?) broke my headphones. This is not good. Super Street Fighter requires the utmost concentration…

March 31, 2011
Hair-dye arrived today and it was the WRONG son-of-a-dog colour. Courier will have to die. Am re-evaluating life. Have reached level 5 in Super Street Fighter 1V, but is it enough? Should I have done more? What would Mohamad do?

May 1, 2011
Praise Allah, my new Bose QuietComfort 3, Noise-Canceling Headphones arrived this evening, which means that, after prayers and cocoa, I can finally concentrate on getting my Super Street Fighter score up to 3,600. Planning a super fun All-Nighter thanks to newly-harvested pot plants and USAID Hershey Bars. Allahu Akbar! God is Great!

more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1383429/Osama-Bin-Laden-dead-Marijuana-grew-near-luxury-compound-Abbottabad.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Responding to the news that Colonel Moammar Gaddafi uses body doubles to help confuse his enemies, roving reporter, Helga Hewston, manages to track down one of the Colonel’s so-called ‘Moammar’s Boys’ in Libya. In this first interview, conducted in a fast-moving military jeep, Helga talks to Gaddafi look-alike, British national, Jihad Nihad of Peckham, south London.

Helga: Mr Nihad, how long have you worked as one of the colonel’s body doubles?

Jihad: oh, let’s see…about 6 weeks now…Oh, shit..luv…hold on….have to address my fans..
“ONLY THOSE WHO ARE TRULY INSANE CANNOT LOVE ME, OH MY FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS!!”
By the way, call me Moammar or Colonel Gaddafi while I’m on duty, OK?

Helga: yeah, whatever….so tell me Jihad, what were you doing in Peckham before you came here to pose as Gaddafi?

Jihad: I was the chief hair stylist at the Peckham Health & Beauty Spa…wait one sec…have to really shout this out…
“YES, MY PEOPLE, WE WILL FILL THE STREETS WITH THE BLOOD OF THE BETRAYERS!!!!!”
Er…so what was I saying, luvvie?

Helga: Don’t call me ‘luvvie’. Does working as the Colonel’s body-double pay well?

Jihad: yep. Did you see that faaabulous picture of me on the cover of the Guardian?

Helga: No.

So..anyway……where is the REAL Gaddafi at this moment?

Jihad: Oh, you’re good, Helga, you’re very good…

Helga: Well….? Where is he???

Jihad: Let’s just say that right now, my clients back at the Peckham Spa are complaining about what a BITCH I’ve become…

Helga: you mean……? Gaddafi..?….in Peckham….???

Jihad: think I’ve said enough luvvie….Moammar’s the word!! ooh, look!!..great hordes of fans coming my way…where’s that bloody megaphone..?
“LIFE WITHOUT DIGNITY IS WORTHLESS – DEATH TO THE TRAITORS!!!”

Via www.dailymail.co.uk

A former spy convicted of fraud in the United Arab Emirates has told how he made a bid for freedom by donning a wetsuit disguised under a burka before diving into the ocean.

Frenchman Herve Jaugbert, an ex-naval officer, alleges the Dubai secret police had threatened to insert needles up his nose and that he was about to be thrown in jail for a crime he didn’t commit.

Jaubert, who designs and builds leisure submarines, then disguised himself in a burka and walked down to the water’s edge.

From there, he swam underwater to the nearby coastguard station, on a remote outpost, where he cut the fuel lines on a police patrol boat. He knew it was the only one in the area, and the coast would now be clear.

He then swam back to the beach, got into a Zodiac dinghy and headed back out to sea. Six hours later he was 25 miles off-shore and outside Dubai’s territorial waters. Another former French agent met him in a yacht, he claims.

Kitted up: Jaubert had breathing equipment with him so he could swim underwater to a police patrol boat and disable its engines

The pair then sailed to Mumbai, India, which took a week. Jaugbert told the French consul that he had lost his passport and was given a new one.

Jaubert had been working as a contractor for ship-builder Dubai World in 2007 when he was called in for questioning by police, he told The Sunday Times. An executive at the firm had reported finding bullets in Jaugbert’s office and police thought he was a mercenary or hitman. At the same time, the company accused Jaubert of billing for goods that did not arrive.

According to Jaubert, his employers had run out of money and wanted to find a way of sacking him without paying benefits that would have been due under a five-year contract.

Covered up: Jaugbert used padding under the burka to disguise the shape of his breathing equipment

‘The police had interrogated me for hours and threatened me with torture,’ he said from his home in Florida, where he now lives with his wife and two children. ‘I lived with a ball of fear in my stomach.’

He said that if he hadn’t left, he’d be ‘stuck in the same nightmare as the others’, referring to the dozens of expatriate businessmen who are languishing in Dubai jails for alleged ‘economic crimes’.

As the economic slump deepens, foreigners are being jailed for misdeeds not generally considered as crimes, such as the bouncing of a cheque.

To the Emirati authorities, however, Jaugbert – who is writing a book about his experiences – is a liar and convicted fraudster. He was sentenced in absentia to five years in prison after his escape in the dinghy.

A spokesman for Dubai World said Jaubert had been dismissed because ‘he was found stealing from the company’, adding that his five-year sentence was ‘entirely appropriate’.

Out to sea: Jaugbert travelled 25 miles in a rubber dinghy to escape from the Dubai police who he alleges threatened him with torture. A friend picked him up in his yacht and they sailed on to Mumbai

Read more on Jaubert’s website: www.escapefromdubai.com