Guru Baba Ramdev, our favourite Hindu Swami, who believes that Pranayama Yoga is the natural cure for all physical and mental ailments, offers free advice to the world on St Valentine’s Day.

Namaste dear cupid fellows and nice ladies! We are over joyful on this very day of the naked god-child shooting arrows through our 4th chakra. Everywhere you are seeing red and also we can say that the practice of ‘praanaayaama’ and ‘pratyaahaara’ yoga and diet is existing for providing health benefits for all peoples who are being in love.

Yes, it is truly that I am curing acne, that dastardly scourge of AIDS and even more than above – through breathing and yoga – I am curing most scallywag men who are being intimate in the manly way. Yes, yoga is relieving these naughty practices with much beneficials.

On this Valentine holy day, I am not taking Rupees to addition my Swiss balance. No, it’s the other hand! I am giving life lessons for higher spiritual purpose. Love on this very day is being a huge uplift if you are practicing through the Vedic science of yoga. Therefore, I am pleading you to be getting your assanas over to my Ayurvedic Centre and being in love to all nice peoples. This is making romancing truly!

Namaste,

Swami Baba Ramdev
Calcutta

Ian Stafford, the ex-mayor of a Lancashire village, was jailed for two years Photo: PA

Ian Stafford, 59, was a church-goer and highly respected member of the community and Mayor of Preesall in Lancashire before his ”bluntly revolting” behaviour was uncovered, Preston Crown Court heard.

A part-time handyman and gardener, he had been employed for years by some of his victims who trusted him with keys to their homes.

But while alone Stafford, a bachelor, would creep into their bedrooms, rifle through underwear draws and masturbate before replacing the knickers and also stealing some of the garments.

One suspicious homeowner who began to notice the thefts then planted hidden cameras – which captured one episode with Stafford in the bedroom naked from the waste down acting out his fantasy, the court was told. Read the full story here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/lancashire/8501032.stm

David Beckham, Footballer & Professional Underwear Model Comments:

I reely feel fer them victims of this NICKER-FIEF!
I ask yer, wot the bleedin’ ‘ell is up wiv this bloke??!  It ain’t normawl. Okay, ‘ee don’t ‘ave no wife like my Victoria te keep ‘im ‘appy, but ‘ee could go wiv wun of them laydees wot gets paid, right?

I fink ponsin’ around an’ steelin’ nickers from yer girlie-mates ‘as gotta be a step down, innit? I ain’t got no simpa-fee!

Wot can yer do wiv this ‘ere dick-’ead? Fer starters, ‘ee needs a shrink, and that ain’t a lie! ‘Ee needs FERAPEE big-time, an’ maybee ‘ee can leed a normawl life wiv a lady wot appree-shee-aytes ‘im.

Wot I would say to this paffetick git is: Look mate, you ain’t the best lookin’ geezer in the yooniverse, but yoos could learn to keep yer kinks to yerself an’ maybee get a decent job modelin’ nickers like wot me an me wife Victoria doo.
Yer know it makes sense, yer sad tosser!

Read the full story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/17/joseph-mary-billboard-god-is-a-hard-act-to-follow_n_395343.html

WELLINGTON, New Zealand — A billboard at a New Zealand church depicting a downcast Joseph lying beside Mary in bed and the heading “God is a hard act to follow” provoked more than the intended reconsideration of the meaning of Christmas.

The sign was defaced by a paint-wielding vandal just hours after it was erected Thursday outside the St. Matthew-in-the-City Anglican church in Auckland, and triggered passionate and sometimes angry debate on talk radio and the Internet.

Church vicar Archdeacon Glynn Cardy said the billboard was intended to challenge stereotypes about the way Jesus was conceived and get people talking about the Christmas story.

“This billboard is trying to lampoon and ridicule the very literal idea that God is a male and somehow this male God impregnated Mary,” said Cardy, who described his church as having very liberal ideas about Christianity.

Comments from Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, boyhood friend of Italian president Sylvio Berlusconi

This is an outrageous attempt by liberal intolerants to trash something as holy and as sacred as the conception of Christ. Why, my dearest and oldest friend, President Sylvio Berlusconi, who, only last week, was lying alone and prostrate in a hospital bed, would never, NEVER have allowed such a blasphemous billboard in Italy!

To even suggest the act of sex with the Holy Mother is unthinkable and this so-called vicar will surely roast in hell-fire (and be devoured by the devil’s minions) for his sins.

Also, I can’t help but notice that the billboard ‘Mary’ looks rather like a young New Zealand friend of mine – Suzy- who will be mortified to learn that her likeness has inspired this kind of filth. She and I spent many happy nights discussing theology and I think she learned a lot about Holy Communion (as she liked to call it) from her stay with me.

Actually, her parting words were, “Gus, you’re a hard act to follow….”
.

Hewdge has been following the outpouring of irritation at Italian Prime Minister Sylvio Berlusconi’s latest gaffe, where he once again refers to US President Obama’s ‘tan’.
Read the full and unbelievable story here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/sep/28/obama-tan-berlusconi
Among the most offended of Obama’s fans is gangsta rapper, Snoop Dogg, who you may remember, visited Beirut only a few weeks ago. In the following letter, Snoop expresses his feelings towards Mr Berlusconi, in his usual clear and eloquent style.

Yo, Sylvizzle,
Fo’ Shizzle dude, yo is lunchin’, cuz yo is mo than fitty, yo dig? Yo ain’t straight man, yo wack, yo know what I’m sayin’?
Yo axe ma nizzle one mo’ time if he be tanned, I’m a busta cap in yo ass. Ma nizzle is a payce dawg, yo know what I’m sayin’? Yo ain’t gonna diss him, wanksta, yo dig? Whas goin’ down wid yo and that I-talyan fugly ho, yo know what I’m sayin’?

Which, roughly translated means:

Well, Mister Berlusconi, there’s no doubt you are going a little bit crazy, maybe because of your age. After all, you are over 50. Do you get it? You’re really not being fair. If you ask my President one more time if he’s ‘tanned’ I will shoot you in the behind.
President Obama is a man of peace and you cannot disrespect him like some kind of idiot. Do you understand what I am saying? Do you get it? By the way, what is the latest news story concerning  you and that ****ing  ugly Italian ‘Lady of the Night’?  Do you know what I’m saying?

The latest article posted by Hewdge, about commuter gropers on Tokyo’s subway system, has prompted a piece of advice by Swami Baba Ramdev, an Indian guru who believes that all ailments, including acne and ‘gayness’ can be cured by Pranayama Yoga.
In Tokyo, being groped on the subway has become such a problem for young women, that undercover police officers have been dispatched to catch the perpetrators in the act. Click here for the full story: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/sep/17/japan-tokyo-police-commuter-gropers

Baba Ramdev’s open letter to Hewdge addresses the issue of commuter groping and gives clear advice on how to end this very rude transport trend:

Dearest Japanese Commuting Ladies.
It is clearly these naughty Japanese groping men who are very much requiring Pranayama Yoga. With Pranayama Yoga we are removing the distortion disabilities of physical body’s and bringing us into spiritual discipline. What am I meaning? It is very clear. I am meaning, with correct prana-bindu breathing, and stretchy-bendy of the physical bodies, these scallywag Japanese men can be controlling urges of the groping action until they are arriving innocently home to their little wives
Namaste.
SWAMI BABA RAMDEV, Calcutta

Hewdge, as usual, has been swamped with letters concerning  our latest article about controversial Indian guru, Swami Baba Ramdev, who plans to open a yoga centre on the remote Scottish island of Little Cumbrae. The hirsute swami claims that, among other things, Pranayama Yoga can cure acne, Alzheimer’s and..um..being gay. Click here to read the full story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/6153726/Baba-Ramdev-plans-to-set-up-yoga-retreat-on-remote-Scottish-Island.html

Below, copies of just two of the letters the guru has received, one from Tiny Tom Cruise, mega-star, couch-cruncher and 8th level member of the Church of Scientology, and the other from Mrs McDonald, who runs the local post office on the neighbouring island of Great Cumbrae

Mr Ramdev

I wish to complain about your planned yoga centre on the island of Little Cumbrae. This is a blatent scam to make money out of poor suckers who are physically and mentally ill! To have us believe that ailments such as Alzheimer’s and acne can be cured by the supernatural practice of YOGA, is unkind at best, and evil at worst. The only cure for any dangerous or insidious disease, is to make an appointment with your local Scientologist programmer, who, for a reasonable fee (just under $20,000) will instruct you on how to best cleanse yourself of your Body Thetans or alien spirits. Can yoga do that?

Yours,
Tom Cruise

PS:  Regarding your ‘gay cure‘, I…..er…a friend of mine rather, wants to know which Pranayama exercise you recommend for beginners.
Thanks,
Tom

Dear Mr Swami Baba,

I’m soo excited yer comin’ te the island of Wee Cumbrae te oopen a yooga centre!

Can ye help, Mr Swami?  Mae lad Jimmy has a problem wi‘ his drinkin‘ an‘ I’m worried aboot him.

Aye, the devil is makin‘ work fer his idle hands -  mae Jimmy has nae had a job since his dad was poot away fer head-buttin‘ that poor wee black gentleman

I canna bear te see Jimmy spendin‘ all mae poonds on Glenfiddich. He lounges aboot, scares the sheep an’ refuses to wear his kilt on dance night. D’ye think that yooga can make a man of him?

Yours in hoop,

Maureen McDonald

By GG Qlarq

The Hewdge article about a group of atheist animal lovers, who for a fee, promise to look after any ‘left-behind’ pets, after their Christian owners have been taken up to heaven or “raptured”, has sparked a firestorm of debate among our evangelical readers

The article, posted on Saturday, features the American website: http://www.eternal-earthbound-pets.com

To follow, a few of the letters Hewdge has received.

What the hell kind of fag blog-site are you running anyway? Jesus!!! Who the hell is interested in Eternal Earthbound-Pets services, fer chrissakes?! As a hetero-practicing Christian, who is due to be paroled next month, why in hell would I let a commie-liberal-nancy-atheist take care of my best friend?”
F**k that website…..Hewdge mistake! Amen
BIG JOHN McGRAF, Birmingham, Alabama

I think Eternal Earthbound Pets is a wonderful idea and I believe God will forgive those atheists (in some small measure) for their good works.  I have already signed up Ginger for the scheme, because I’m worried he might get stuck up a tree when I’m not around
ROSETTA STOWNE, Prioria, Illinois

I’m not sure about this scheme  – can we Christians really trust people like atheists to be honest and look after our beloved pets when we’re sitting at God’s right hand? After all, these people are self-confessed sinners. I think I would rather leave my pet with the Confucians up the road (as long as Mr Kim Yeong and his family promise not to cook and eat my little Bobby in a curry after I’ve gone)
JEREMIAH QUINTIN BELL lll, Jacksonville, Florida