Category Archives: Religion

Osama bin Laden’s Diary

Posted on by
5
5 Replies

Below, Hewdge publishes selected extracts of 9-11 mastermind, Osama bin Laden’s diary, taken during a raid at his home in Abbottabad, Pakistan on May 1st, 2011.

osama-rich-and-charitableMay 13, 2004
Sick of cave….Allah be praised, the house in Abbottabad is almost ready! Wives and kids excited. Must get a garbage disposal installed, hose connected in guest bathroom…oh, and destroy US train system. Allahu Akbar!

June 17, 2005
New wife arrives from Yemen…Jeez, finally! Insha’Allah she will get on well with the other two, but of course, a little competition never harms…..speaking of which, Al Zarqawi is getting right up my nose. Have decided to dye my beard. Image is everything. God is Great!

Sept 11, 2006
Things going well, Nushkur Allah!  9-11 anniversary today… always a warm fuzzy feeling. Celebrated by cooking a goat dinner for a hundred Pakistani close couriers. Watched the video. Wives made popcorn. A good day. God is Great!

Dec 3, 2008
Depressed. Wives and kids bickering, plus no mention of me in the news…What’s it all about Osama? Need to plan something spectacular, but what? Strange but true, a man with nearly my name is now president of the Great Satan. Is Allah trying to tell me something?  Where is Baby Bush? I miss him…

Jan 12, 2010
Can’t sleep …millions of kids running amuk. Boiler not working.  Luckily, Ninendo 3 arrived today via courier. Love the 3D effect. This has given me some great ideas…God, too, is Great!

March 21, 2011
One of the kids (was it Mohamad?) broke my headphones. This is not good. Super Street Fighter requires the utmost concentration…

March 31, 2011
Hair-dye arrived today and it was the WRONG son-of-a-dog colour. Courier will have to die. Am re-evaluating life. Have reached level 5 in Super Street Fighter 1V, but is it enough? Should I have done more? What would Mohamad do?

May 1, 2011
Praise Allah, my new Bose QuietComfort 3, Noise-Canceling Headphones arrived this evening, which means that, after prayers and cocoa, I can finally concentrate on getting my Super Street Fighter score up to 3,600. Planning a super fun All-Nighter thanks to newly-harvested pot plants and USAID Hershey Bars. Allahu Akbar! God is Great!

more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1383429/Osama-Bin-Laden-dead-Marijuana-grew-near-luxury-compound-Abbottabad.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

5 Replies

Death Of Guru Sai Baba Creates Financial Vacuum

Posted on by
1
1 Reply

sai_babaThe death of a charismatic Indian guru, Sathya Sai Baba, who built up a worldwide following of up to 50 million people, has triggered an unholy scramble for control of his £5.5 billion empire. (click here to read more: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/india/8471134/Sathya-Sai-Babas-death-triggers-fight-for-his-5.5-billion-empire.ht

Below, well known Indian guru, Swami Ramdev Yadav, pays tribute to the enigmatic Sathya Sai Baba with an open letter to Hewdge.

_41181360_ramdev203

Namaste

It is with very regret and heaviness at heart that I am relating the deathly news of Sathya Sai Baba – a holiest guru and a manly man who was a beloved to many worshiping and sometimes celebrity peoples.
Yet, at this very current moment, the news is being so full of dastardly stories of Sai Baba that I am not believing my own very eyes and ears!
Rapscallion reporters are delighting to spread untruthfulness about Sai Baba and in particularly, his dalliances with many lovely boys. But this I am knowing absolutely: no such naughtiness was occurring in his ashram! This is shamefully gossip! Sai Baba was humble, and truthfully a holy man who was not just for thinking of riches. No, it is the OPPOSITE!!  Sai Baba on very much occasions was giving money and gold to others. In fact, his own billions in a Swiss banks was having no meaning to this very saint!

Since his present incarnation is no longer, I am freely to offer Sai Baba’s devotees my expertise of much financial techniques. Especially, I am full of happiness to take over Sai Baba’s gigantic empire. Like this humble of man, riches have no meaning for me also when I am flying by my private jet to the Swiss.

Namaste
Swami Ramdev

1 Reply

Easter Dream

Posted on by
5
5 Replies

mastershakeeastereggLet me be your Easter Egg

Let me be your Easter Egg

Roll me over – watch me beg

Wrap me, race me, tap me, chase me

Use your paintbrush to deface me

Let me be your Easter gift

Your springtime chocoholic lift

Put me in a cardboard case

Hide me in a secret place

Let me be your Easter thrill

A giant chocolate-coated pill

Boil me, oil me, crucify me

Resurrect me – colour-dye me

Make me chocolate filled with cream

I wanna be your Easter theme

Melt me, eat me, smear me, lay me

Decorate and Fabergé me

Make me wholly chocolate cream

I wanna be your Easter dream….

Helga Hewston, 2009

5 Replies

Vatican Hit By Gay Sex Scandal – Madame Gris-Gris Channels Pope John Paul 11

Posted on by
2
2 Replies
Vatican chorister sacked for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for papal gentleman-in-waiting
Pope Benedict XVI greets cardinals in the Clementine Hall at the Vatican
Pope Benedict XVI greets cardinals in the Clementine Hall at the Vatican. Photograph: Max Rossi/AFP/Getty Images

The Vatican has been rocked by a sex scandal reaching into Pope Benedict’s household after a chorister was sacked for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting.

Angelo Balducci, a Gentleman of His Holiness, was caught by police on a wiretap allegedly negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a 29-year-old Vatican chorister, over the specific physical details of men he wanted brought to him. Transcripts in the possession of the Guardian suggest that numerous men may have been procured for Balducci, at least one of whom was studying for the priesthood.

The explosive claims about Balducci’s private life have caused grave embarrassment to the Vatican, which has yet to publicly comment on the affair. While Catholicism does not condemn homosexuality outright, its teaching is that homosexual acts “are intrinsically disordered”.

For the full sordid story, click here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/mar/04/vatican-gay-sex-scandal

Madame Gris-Gris, Clairvoyant and ‘Ghost-Whisperer’ to the Stars, speaks out against the latest Vatican sex scandal through the spirit of the Catholic Church’s most beloved and revered Pope and Wannabee Saint, John Paul 11.

I, Madame Gris-Gris, will now channel ‘iz ‘oliness John Paul Deux…..but be patient, mes amis….ze spirits take zeir time…..ooh, attend! eet iz commencing…..ee iz coming….oooh….

“Mes enfants, zis is is an ‘appening terrible – un incident encroyable! Muzza Church, she eez in pain like our Lord Jesus on ze cross! Vraiment, c’est le straw dernier!!
Iz eet not suffit zat I ‘ave flagellated moi-meme everee day while in ze Vatican? And maintenant, do I ‘ave to utilizer ze ‘Belt’ encore un fois? ‘Ow much can a spirit take? From ze grave, I reach out to tell you zat zings must retournez to ‘ow zey were before zis scandal ‘appened. Back zen, all we ‘ad to deal wiz was the petits cases d’abuses and ze priests ‘oo ‘ave ze marriage in ze secret.  Zees were ze days!  Amateurs!!”

2 Replies

Snubbed ‘Prince’ Causes Gays To Mass En Masse: David Beckham ‘Orrified’

Posted on by
3
3 Replies
King and King Kiss

A priest’s refusal to grant communion to a gay man has led to uproar in the Catholic south of the Netherlands. A multitude of gay men now look set to descend on Sunday mass in the city of Den Bosch.

Prince Gijs is no ordinary royal. His reign only lasted three days and his realm extended no further than the borders of the small town of Reusel. Gijs, known in everyday life as Gijs Vermeulen, a 24-year old bartender, was his hometown’s Prince of the Carnival. Every year, towns in the Netherland’s Catholic south elect their own buffoonish royalty, an honour generally bestowed on the more festive members of the community. Prince Gijs might have been a wise and benevolent leader – but he is also a homosexual one. That alone was enough for his local church to refuse this atypical nobleman holy communion.

Read the full story: http://www.nrc.nl/international/article2493108.ece/Snubbed,_homosexuals_head_to_mass_en_masse

David Beckham, football legend, underwear model and family man, is a regular columnist for Hewdge:

I am trulee ‘ORRIFIED wiv this storee! I always fawt that ‘olland was progressif, yeah? It’s got awl them ‘ash coffee shops wiv weed an’ evreefink on the menu, an’ it ain’t got no slums or nuffink…

‘At last them gays ‘ave found ‘eaven on ‘earf,’ I said to meself. So when I read about them caff-lic preests wot  dee-nyed ‘olee co-moo-nyun to them nancy-boys, I was well pissed off, an’ no mistake!

We awl got our fawts, ain’t we, but them caff-lic preests (or ‘Dirty Beasts’ in me best cockney) are wot I like to cawl ‘olier than thou’.

I fink awl ‘em dutch trannies in full gear should mince on down to that church in stiletto ‘eels an’ show them ‘Dirty Beasts’  wot a real bloke in a dress looks like.

Me wife Victoria, an’ me free kids, ‘ave always ‘ad a fing for the under-dog.   Jus’ cos this Prince bloke is a pillow-biter, that don’t mean ‘ee ain’t a good geezer, right?

I am wun ‘undred percent be’ind them batty-boys, an’ I ain’t too ‘appy wiv them god-bovvering preests, wot ‘ave got more frocks than me dear old auntie Lil.   D. Beckham

3 Replies

Jesus Was Gay, Says Elton John

Posted on by
2
2 Replies
Elton John: Jesus was gay, says Elton John
Pop Star Elton thinks Jesus was gay

In a magazine interview, he said: “I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.

“On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving.”

The 62-year-old also confessed that fame has now lost its shine for him.

Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/religion/7268600/Jesus-was-gay-says-Elton-John.html

Celebrities, a Cardinal and a Guru weigh in on Elton’s ‘Jesus was gay’ statement

Cardinal Ernesto Ciccolotta  – Head of PR, Vatican City

Signor Elton
As you are uno magnifico artista, I will overlook the fact that you are a ‘po ‘omosessuale’. But, why Elton? WHY do you say these terrible gay things about our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ?
I suppose you think we Cardinals are all gay too? Ha, how ridiculous! My cute Brazilian housekeeper Alfredo, is laughing at this while he is ironing my frock…

David Beckham – Footballer and Metrosexual Underwear Model

Oy, Elton mate!
Wot’s all this about yoo callin’ Jesus a nancy-boy? That ain’t funny mate! Yoo ain’t got no respect, cos, in your fick ‘ead evree bloke wot wears a long dress is a shirt-lifter!
Sum peeple fink that I’m a poofta too, jus’ cos I wear a wraparound skirt, but that don’t mean nuffink! Elton, me mate, I like yer moosic, but don’ mess wiv me messiah!

Swami Baba Ramdev

Namaste – I am disagreeing most very profoundly with you, Sahib John. I, and my followers are believing that wholeheartedly Jesus was being a holy man and that is clearly at all the Christian peoples. I am being full with suspicions that maybe Sahib John, you are  practicing the female avoiding abhorrent positions and this is indeed unholy and licentiousness! Your truly practicing of the praanayaama breathing yoga lifestyles will indeed be restoring your kundalini shakti. Also diets can be helping you in the so-doing. Namaste

Tom Cruise – Scientologist Operating Thetan Level V11

Elton
C’mon, are you really saying Jesus was GAY? You Brits are so precious! If we Scientologists, heard that some little ponce-pianist was calling our glorious leader, L. Ron Hubbard a faggot, we’d jump off our sofas and kick-ass! Hey, man, are you on aspirin or caffeine or some other equally dangerous mind-fuck??


2 Replies

Yoga Valentine Message From Swami Ramdev

Posted on by
6
6 Replies

Guru Baba Ramdev, our favourite Hindu Swami, who believes that Pranayama Yoga is the natural cure for all physical and mental ailments, offers free advice to the world on St Valentine’s Day.swami-baba-ramdev

Namaste dear cupid fellows and nice ladies! We are over joyful on this very day of the naked god-child shooting arrows through our 4th chakra. Everywhere you are seeing red and also we can say that the practice of ‘praanaayaama’ and ‘pratyaahaara’ yoga and diet is existing for providing health benefits for all peoples who are being in love.

Yes, it is truly that I am curing acne, that dastardly scourge of AIDS and even more than above – through breathing and yoga – I am curing most scallywag men who are being intimate in the manly way. Yes, yoga is relieving these naughty practices with much beneficials.

On this Valentine holy day, I am not taking Rupees to addition my Swiss balance. No, it’s the other hand! I am giving life lessons for higher spiritual purpose. Love on this very day is being a huge uplift if you are practicing through the Vedic science of yoga. Therefore, I am pleading you to be getting your assanas over to my Ayurvedic Centre and being in love to all nice peoples. This is making romancing truly!

Namaste,

Swami Baba Ramdev
Calcutta

6 Replies

Beatles’ Drummer Ringo: ‘I have found God’

Posted on by
3
3 Replies

Ringo Starr, the Beatles’ drummer, has admitted he has “found God” after taking what he described as a winding life of enlightenment.

Beatles' drummer Ringo Starr admits: 'I have found God'

The reformed rock legend, who turns 70 in July, admitted he had lost his way when he was younger, first as a Beatle then later after the group broke up. He experimented with LSD and marijuana when he was a Beatle in the 1960s, then later in the 1970s suffered alcohol and cocaine problems.
Beatles at Ringo Starr's wedding: Beatles' drummer Ringo Starr admits: 'I have found God'

Starr pictured with other Beatles at his wedding to Barbara Bach, a former Bond girl. Photo: TERRY O’NEILL/ NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Starr, who is now a teetotal and has quit his 60-a-day cigarette habit, said that religion was one of the most important aspects in his life. Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/the-beatles/7142630/The-Beatles-drummer-Ringo-Starr-admits-I-have-found-God.html

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi Writes a ‘Welcome to God’ Open Letter to Ringo

Dear Signore Starr,

You have found God! Sono felice!! I am so happy because it is NEVER too late… Even though you have led a lascivious and drug-sodden life thus far, praise be that you have come into HIS fold to receive HIS blessings!

As one of Rome’s Cardinals (and best boyhood friend to Italian Prime Minister, Sylvio Berlusconi), I would be honored to be your spiritual mentor. It is always a pleasure to receive even the most debauched of confessions and in return, bestow peace and forgiveness upon the true penitent.

In fact, before he returned to his heavenly home, our most beloved Papa, John Paul (may he be granted an early Sainthood!) confessed to me that he was rather too fond of  ‘the belt’.

This innocent and touching revelation has only recently come to public light, but it has been shocking, SHOCKING, the way the Holy Father’s pious acts of daily (and nightly) devotion to ‘La Dea’ as he fondly used to call God’s leather instrument, has been distorted by the press!

Why, Signore Starr, I will be the first to admit that I feel MUCH nearer to God’s true mercy after a jolly good flagellation. I feel that you, being a drummer, will be a ‘natural’.

God bless you and keep you

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35079187/

3 Replies

Controversial Billboard of Joseph & Mary In Bed: God ‘A Hard Act To Follow’

Posted on by
1
1 Reply

s-BILLBOARD-large

Read the full story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/17/joseph-mary-billboard-god-is-a-hard-act-to-follow_n_395343.html

WELLINGTON, New Zealand — A billboard at a New Zealand church depicting a downcast Joseph lying beside Mary in bed and the heading “God is a hard act to follow” provoked more than the intended reconsideration of the meaning of Christmas.

The sign was defaced by a paint-wielding vandal just hours after it was erected Thursday outside the St. Matthew-in-the-City Anglican church in Auckland, and triggered passionate and sometimes angry debate on talk radio and the Internet.

Church vicar Archdeacon Glynn Cardy said the billboard was intended to challenge stereotypes about the way Jesus was conceived and get people talking about the Christmas story.

“This billboard is trying to lampoon and ridicule the very literal idea that God is a male and somehow this male God impregnated Mary,” said Cardy, who described his church as having very liberal ideas about Christianity.

Comments from Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, boyhood friend of Italian president Sylvio Berlusconi

This is an outrageous attempt by liberal intolerants to trash something as holy and as sacred as the conception of Christ. Why, my dearest and oldest friend, President Sylvio Berlusconi, who, only last week, was lying alone and prostrate in a hospital bed, would never, NEVER have allowed such a blasphemous billboard in Italy!

To even suggest the act of sex with the Holy Mother is unthinkable and this so-called vicar will surely roast in hell-fire (and be devoured by the devil’s minions) for his sins.

Also, I can’t help but notice that the billboard ‘Mary’ looks rather like a young New Zealand friend of mine – Suzy- who will be mortified to learn that her likeness has inspired this kind of filth. She and I spent many happy nights discussing theology and I think she learned a lot about Holy Communion (as she liked to call it) from her stay with me.

Actually, her parting words were, “Gus, you’re a hard act to follow….”
.

1 Reply

Pacific Island Tribe Apologises For Eating British Missionaries

Posted on by
1
1 Reply

tribeG1708_468x361Helga Hewston, roving reporter for Hewdge, writes in from the tiny Pacific island of Erromango, now part of Vanuatu, where recently, the descendants of a British missionary have received a personal apology from the islanders, for having killed and eaten their ancestor, John Williams, as well as fellow missionary, John Harris. Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/vanuatu/6756656/Tribe-apologises-for-eating-British-missionary.html

Recalls islander Vassie Parilongi, now a part-time dinner lady in Melbourne’s Ear, Nose & Throat hospital canteen:

The story of the two British missionaries, Williams and Harris was recounted to me as a bed-time story when I was growing up. My mother used to tell me that both men were surly, rotund creatures, who took hours to tenderize. In fact, we have a nursery rhyme she used to sing to me which, roughly translated, goes something like this:

Two fat men

Two big fires

Too much time To tenderize

Missionary man

Go home to your gods

Chicken is better

Pass the salt

The Erromango islanders, who once had a nasty habit of eating their visitors, still have their own special family recipes handed down from generation to generation. But nowadays, instead of eating people, they are strict vegans and eschew any form of animal products. Why the change? Until recently, the islanders believed their past actions had brought a curse to the tribe.

“We were happy to have the curse lifted”, the village elders stated. Asked what the curse was, they all looked at each other and started crying. The island, now a tropical paradise for tourists, was once famous for its young people developing a mysterious and unsightly skin condition, a white stripe around the neck called a ‘godimanimarki’ or ‘Missionary Collar’, upon reaching puberty.

GG Qlarq

1 Reply