Category Archives: Religion

Swami Baba Gives Advice On How To Curb Commuter Gropers

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loveguru1The latest article posted by Hewdge, about commuter gropers on Tokyo’s subway system, has prompted a piece of advice by Swami Baba Ramdev, an Indian guru who believes that all ailments, including acne and ‘gayness’ can be cured by Pranayama Yoga.
In Tokyo, being groped on the subway has become such a problem for young women, that undercover police officers have been dispatched to catch the perpetrators in the act. Click here for the full story: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/sep/17/japan-tokyo-police-commuter-gropers

Baba Ramdev’s open letter to Hewdge addresses the issue of commuter groping and gives clear advice on how to end this very rude transport trend:

Dearest Japanese Commuting Ladies.
It is clearly these naughty Japanese groping men who are very much requiring Pranayama Yoga. With Pranayama Yoga we are removing the distortion disabilities of physical body’s and bringing us into spiritual discipline. What am I meaning? It is very clear. I am meaning, with correct prana-bindu breathing, and stretchy-bendy of the physical bodies, these scallywag Japanese men can be controlling urges of the groping action until they are arriving innocently home to their little wives
Namaste.
SWAMI BABA RAMDEV, Calcutta

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Is Sir Elton John Too Old And Too Gay To Adopt?

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25E72236-9C8F-B13B-E31E7B3ED4EAB8D9Sir Elton John, short, flamboyant superstar and devoted husband to Canadian film maker David Furnish, is disappointed that his initial bid to adopt a Ukrainian infant has been rejected. Click here to read the full story: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/14/elton-john-deemed-too-old_n_285667.html
Hewdge has taken this opportunity to publish three letters to Elton (from Tom Cruise, Madame Gris-Gris – Medium to the stars, and Octomom), highlighting the quagmire that is celebrity adoption.

Dear Elton
Regarding your attempt to adopt a Ukrainian infant, I have to agree with the minister for Family, Youth and Sports, Mr Yuriy Pavlenko, who thinks you’re too old and too gay.
Elton, have you thought about how that poor little Ukrainian infant will turn out, with you and your ‘same-sex partner’, mincing round that huge mansion, being fed Advil every time a tooth comes through? Pain-killers are of course, DISGUSTING! We Scientologists have to ask: How can you and your gay lover be positive role models to that innocent child, if you insist on giving him over-the-counter medication?

Yours,
Tom Cruise

Mon Cher Elton
During my last séance with Michael, he instructed me to contact you toute suite. ’Call my little fag friend Elton,’ he wailed, ‘and tell him if he really wants a child, to get  together with Debbie Rowe…she is free at last, free at last!’
Strange, haunting words, Elton, but who are we to understand those who have passed on to the spirit world?
By the way, I take private bookings and will be in the UK from September to November.

A Bientot,
Madame Gris-gris

Dear Sir Elton
We’ve never met, but I have been a fan of yours since I was little. Now I have kids of my own – 14 in fact, and I’m looking for a good home for some of the latest batch. I think you and your partner David would make ideal parents. Can you take 5 or 6? This would help pay for liposuction on my upper thighs

Hoping to hear from you,
Octomom

PS: I only use one name for those kids, because they all look alike

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Cardinal Defends Italian Prime Minister’s Decision To Sue Call Girl

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berluscDear Readers
Hewdge is sometimes the only true sanctuary that a person of consequence might flee to when avoiding the savage glare of the international media spotlight. In the case of Italy’s prime minister, Sylvio Berlusconi, who has been accused of sleeping with prostitutes and even of being a sex addict, the Italian press has rendered him the object of amusement among Roman matrons and the butt of tasteless Viagra jokes worldwide. Click here for the full story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/italy/6174403/Silvio-Berlusconi-threatens-to-sue-call-girl.html
However, the promiscuous prime minister does have loyal friends who are ready to support his decision to sue Patrizia D’Addario, a woman who claims that Mr Berlusconi slept with her on a number of occasions for money. One such ally is Roman Catholic Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, Sylvio Berlusconi’s boyhood friend. Hewdge publishes the Cardinal’s open letter, in the hope that the Italian media might pause to consider the damaging impact of its political witch-hunt.


Open letter from Cardnal Gustavo Porchi:

I wish to publicly defend my dear friend and prime minister, Mr Sylvio Berlusconi, against this blatant smear campaign orchestrated by the Italian and international press.
Mr Berlusconi’s private life is his own and he should not have to defend against hearsay, or rather – ‘whore-say’ , from that little tart, Patrizia D’Addario, who is the very worst kind of creature that God ever put on this earth. Why, at night I have heard Sylvio crying, crying into his pillow because of the damage to his reputation! That PUTANESCA is going to burn in the devil’s hell fires for her wickedness!!

At least I am grateful for one thing, that Mama Berlusconi (God rest her soul!) is not here to see her little Sylvio being branded as a common sex addict. I fervently pray that the press allows our prime minister to get on with the serious business of running the country, but should his enemies continue hounding him, we have excellent lawyers permanently on call at the Vatican who are deft at defending against trumped-up allegations in matters of the flesh, if you know what I mean….

For my part, I will immediately cross out that whore’s telephone number from my piccolo libro nero, recite ten Hail Marys, and flagellate myself until my pizza arrives.

May God Bless You And Keep You,
ex toto corde paenitet me,

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi

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Guru Behind Scottish Yoga Centre Receives Letter From Indignant Tom Cruise

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413461320_239b782573Hewdge, as usual, has been swamped with letters concerning  our latest article about controversial Indian guru, Swami Baba Ramdev, who plans to open a yoga centre on the remote Scottish island of Little Cumbrae. The hirsute swami claims that, among other things, Pranayama Yoga can cure acne, Alzheimer’s and..um..being gay. Click here to read the full story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/6153726/Baba-Ramdev-plans-to-set-up-yoga-retreat-on-remote-Scottish-Island.html

Below, copies of just two of the letters the guru has received, one from Tiny Tom Cruise, mega-star, couch-cruncher and 8th level member of the Church of Scientology, and the other from Mrs McDonald, who runs the local post office on the neighbouring island of Great Cumbrae

Mr Ramdev

I wish to complain about your planned yoga centre on the island of Little Cumbrae. This is a blatent scam to make money out of poor suckers who are physically and mentally ill! To have us believe that ailments such as Alzheimer’s and acne can be cured by the supernatural practice of YOGA, is unkind at best, and evil at worst. The only cure for any dangerous or insidious disease, is to make an appointment with your local Scientologist programmer, who, for a reasonable fee (just under $20,000) will instruct you on how to best cleanse yourself of your Body Thetans or alien spirits. Can yoga do that?

Yours,
Tom Cruise

PS:  Regarding your ‘gay cure‘, I…..er…a friend of mine rather, wants to know which Pranayama exercise you recommend for beginners.
Thanks,
Tom

Dear Mr Swami Baba,

I’m soo excited yer comin’ te the island of Wee Cumbrae te oopen a yooga centre!

Can ye help, Mr Swami?  Mae lad Jimmy has a problem wi‘ his drinkin‘ an‘ I’m worried aboot him.

Aye, the devil is makin‘ work fer his idle hands -  mae Jimmy has nae had a job since his dad was poot away fer head-buttin‘ that poor wee black gentleman

I canna bear te see Jimmy spendin‘ all mae poonds on Glenfiddich. He lounges aboot, scares the sheep an’ refuses to wear his kilt on dance night. D’ye think that yooga can make a man of him?

Yours in hoop,

Maureen McDonald


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Guru Plans Yoga Retreat On Remote Scottish Island

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One of India’s most controversial television lifestyle gurus, Swami “Baba” Ramdev, who claims homosexuality can be “cured” by yoga, plans to transform a remote Scottish Island, Little Cumbrae, into a yoga and traditional teaching centre.

Baba Ramdev: Baba Ramdev plans to set up yoga retreat on remote Scottish Island

Baba Ramdev Photo: EUROPICS

Ramdev, a bearded yogi who claims his branch of pranayama yoga cures everything from Alzheimer’s to acne, attracts up to a 20 million viewers to his yoga show broadcast every lunchtime on India TV.

The Scottish owners of Little Cumbrae plan to transform it into a centre for yoga and traditional teaching under the guru’s direction, reports have suggested. Continue reading →

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Tiny Tom Cruise Responds To Japan’s First Lady

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img_6Another surprise article on Hewdge, and this time the spotlight is on the first lady of Japan. Prime Minister’s wife, Mrs Miyuki Hatoyama, claims in her latest book that, among other things, she has visited Venus in a UFO and that she has met diminutive ‘Mission Impossible’ star Tom Cruise in a previous life.  Read her story:  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/japan/6129871/Japans-new-first-lady-flew-to-Venus-with-UFO.html

As media outlets around the world focus on this striking revelation from such a prominent member of Japanese society, couch-crushing Cruise, responds in an open letter to Hewdge:

Firstly, and for the record, I would like to tell Hewdge readers, that the wild rumours swirling around Hollywood, that I’m gay, are NOT TRUE.

Secondly, concerning the last article posted on Hewdge, it seems that the first lady of Japan, Mrs Miyuki Hatoyama, is claiming that we met for the first time in a previous life, where I was a Japanese. That is ridiculous and dangerous bullshit! I have never been a Japanese!

Could it be that Mrs Hatoyama is getting me just a little mixed up with my movie role where I played an honorary Samurai? (note to self: “Damn, I was good in that part!”)

Personally, I think the dear first lady is on prescription drugs such as tranquilizers or worse, anti-depressants, which would explain her ramblings. This is disgusting! Medication is the devil’s own spawn and her resorting to props is obviously a desperate and irrational cry for help.

Regarding her UFO experiences, well all I can say is: when can she start her Dianetics training? The Church of Scientology needs rich abductees like Mrs Hatoyama, and with the help of a substantial donation from her husband, we can get her up to level 3 in no time at all…

By the way, did I mention I’m not gay?

Nanu Nanu!

Tom Cruise

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‘Left-Behind’ Pet Article Sparks Debate Among Evangelists

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By GG Qlarq

foreclosurepets-abandonedThe Hewdge article about a group of atheist animal lovers, who for a fee, promise to look after any ‘left-behind’ pets, after their Christian owners have been taken up to heaven or “raptured”, has sparked a firestorm of debate among our evangelical readers

The article, posted on Saturday, features the American website: http://www.eternal-earthbound-pets.com

To follow, a few of the letters Hewdge has received.

What the hell kind of fag blog-site are you running anyway? Jesus!!! Who the hell is interested in Eternal Earthbound-Pets services, fer chrissakes?! As a hetero-practicing Christian, who is due to be paroled next month, why in hell would I let a commie-liberal-nancy-atheist take care of my best friend?”
F**k that website…..Hewdge mistake! Amen
BIG JOHN McGRAF, Birmingham, Alabama

I think Eternal Earthbound Pets is a wonderful idea and I believe God will forgive those atheists (in some small measure) for their good works.  I have already signed up Ginger for the scheme, because I’m worried he might get stuck up a tree when I’m not around
ROSETTA STOWNE, Prioria, Illinois

I’m not sure about this scheme  – can we Christians really trust people like atheists to be honest and look after our beloved pets when we’re sitting at God’s right hand? After all, these people are self-confessed sinners. I think I would rather leave my pet with the Confucians up the road (as long as Mr Kim Yeong and his family promise not to cook and eat my little Bobby in a curry after I’ve gone)
JEREMIAH QUINTIN BELL lll, Jacksonville, Florida

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Atheists Offer To Care For Christians’ Pets After The Rapture

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By Matthew Moore www.telegraph.co.uk

It’s a question that all animal-loving Christian evangelicals must address: who will look after their pets on Earth when the Rapture comes and they are taken up to heaven?

rapture_1471615cBelief in the Rapture is widespread among US Christians Photo: REUTERS

Now a group of atheists in the US have come up with a tongue-in-cheek solution, offering to take in the cats and dogs of “saved” believers in return for a small fee.

All the atheists signed up by http://www.eternal-earthbound-pets.com are self-confessed sinners and blasphemers, guaranteeing they will be left behind when the chosen are selected Continue reading →

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