“When Katie and I got married, it was the most romantic occasion EVER. Period. I wanted to CRY and laugh at the same time… As for the wedding dress, well, it was all Katie’s decision…and naturally, the Church helped her decide. As Scientologists, we’re not allowed to talk or make any kind of loud noise in front of the bridal gown before the wedding, as spirits of dead aliens could take over. This actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it.”

Victoria Beckham – underwear model & fashion victim

“I fink it is quite clevva of Kate to ‘ave free diff’rent dresses – one is never enuf is it? I only ‘ad one dress at my weddin’, but it ‘ad to be taken in free times, coz me weight kept changin’…. In them days, we woz trend-setters. Now, every Tom, Dick and ‘Arry is frowin’ up their breakfast, not just them brides. This is the kinda fing wot makes me sad.”

Since the news broke that American comedienne and icon, Ellen DeGeneres has been chosen to be the permanent judge on American Idol, reactions have been flooding in, not all of them positive. Click here to read the full story: http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/ellen-degeneres-newamerican-idol-judge-1784719.html

Hewdge’s Helga Hewston takes the opportunity to interview David Beckham, perfume-pusher and devoted husband to one-time guest Idol judge, Victoria.

HH: David, how do you feel about the latest American Idol decision?

DB: I am well pissed off that me wife, an’ the muvva of me free kids, ain’t been picked te be the forf judge on Idol.

HH. Hmm….How do you think this decision came about?

DB: I fink it’s cos them Idol producers ain’t got their fingers on the pulse of the music biz. They fink they ‘ave……..but they ain’t.

HH: What does Victoria say?

DB: She gets out ‘er bottles of laxatives and asks: “Why wot’s ‘er name, fer gawd’s sake???!” She’s gutted, poor cow. ‘Ave yer tried my new perfume range?

HH: No. So how is Victoria now?

DB: You know sumfink? Me wife’s a lady froo and froo. She told me she don’t ‘old a grudge against that fat old tart…

HH. Indeed. What would you like to say to the new Idol judge, Ellen DeGeneres?

DB: I’d like te say: Look luv, if you ‘appen te find an ugly little wooden doll in yer dressing room, wiv pins stuck froo the ‘eart, don’t fink it’s sumfink to do wiv my Victoria, will yer?

HH:  Have a good life, David….