Tom Cruise – Scientologist (level V1 Thetan) and Actor

You know, at this festive time of year, it’s very tempting to drink, eat too much and take pills, especially anti-depressants and Aspirin. How to resist the urge to degrade yourself by self-medicating? Well, remember, for a mere $20,000, our special Scientology programmer will be able to keep you on the straight and narrow (and I mean that in the non-gay sense of the word) for the next few months…After that, we have  $10,000 bi-annual top-up program. This year, the Church of Scientology is giving away a free sofa with every first session of programming…..And giving is what Christmas is all about, right?

David Beckham, Footballer. Farva of Free & Underwear Supermodel:

‘Allo “Ewdge readers! I was finkin’ of makin’ a long speech, but I fawt to meself, no, David, no… too many words David. So ‘ere’s the speech annuver way – a simpool Christmas wish from a simpool man….
So, on be’arf of me wife Victoria and me free bootiful kids, I’d like ter wish awl ‘Ewdge readers a very ‘Appy Christmas an’ a pros’prus New Year! Cheers!

Octomom – Mother of 14

Hi Hewdge Readers,
Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! You know people, Christmas is a great time for cosmetic surgery and also the best time to give presents to children, right? And that’s perfect because I would like to give children as presents. My eight youngest kids are still small enough to fit down the chimney, and, at a push, could even be used as stocking-fillers! They are adorable, and each kid comes with two and a half week’s supply of diapers! (disposable)
For more information, please contact: 14is2many@octomom.com

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, Friend of Italian President Sylvio Berlusconi:

I would like to take the opportunity to wish all Hewdge readers a very contemplative and holy holiday! To celebrate Christ our Saviour’s birthday, I will be postponing my private theological Q&A sessions with Signora Carla Forlanini and making sure all holiday flagellations are administered to the tune of ‘Good Christian Men Rejoice.’ We have to show respect, si?

Madame Gris-Gris,  Clairvoyant to the Stars

Mes chers amis, allow moi to deliver un Christmas message from Michael Jackson. And what iz zat message?
Zat we must enjoy la vie! ’Ow do I know zis? Because during ze trance, Michel whispers les secrets zat onlee ‘ee knows. Par example: ‘ow much ‘ee ADORES to wear Debbie Rowe’s vêtements.  Zis is proof, non? Also mes chers amis, look out for my noveau book about Michael called ‘Dead Man Moonwalking‘ which comes out in Janvier. It iz onlee $30 and iz what I call ‘a steal’

Mes amis, I, Madame Gris-Gris weesh you a very ‘Appy Noel and un new Bon Annee!!