Let me be your Easter Egg

Let me be your Easter Egg

Roll me over – watch me beg

Wrap me, race me, tap me, chase me

Use your paintbrush to deface me

Let me be your Easter gift

Your springtime chocoholic lift

Put me in a cardboard case

Hide me in a secret place

Let me be your Easter thrill

A giant chocolate-coated pill

Boil me, oil me, crucify me

Resurrect me – colour-dye me

Make me chocolate filled with cream

I wanna be your Easter theme

Melt me, eat me, smear me, lay me

Decorate and Fabergé me

Make me wholly chocolate cream

I wanna be your Easter dream….

Helga Hewston, 2009

She has also been having trouble raising the $450,000 needed to pay off her mortgage. What’s a gal to do? Enter Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment, one of the world’s largest purveyors of adult films, who announced last week that his company would pay off Nadya’s mortgage if she would make a porn film.

At the same time, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has approached her with a slightly more modest offer – $5,000 to put a sign in her front yard proclaiming, “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.”

As an added incentive, the animal rights organization said it would throw in a month’s supply of veggie burgers and veggie hot dogs for the fecund female and her 14 children, who range in age from 1 to 8.

Read the full story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100325/ap_on_bi_ge/us_octuplets

Helga Hewston, roving reporter for Hewdge, caught up with Nadya Suleman at her home in California, where she agreed to an in-depth interview

Helga: Nadya, how did you first hear about PETA’s spaying and neutering campaign?

Nadya: Ok, well, one of my vol… …oh ferchrissakes, hang on….one of the kids is escaping….oh yep, number twelve…Get the f*** back here, ya little brat!! As I was saying, one of my volunteers told me about PETA.

Helga: Go on…

Nadya: Yeah, right now, I have lots of offers coming my way…Hey you! Kid! Get back here! Whatever the hell your number is!! As well as PETA, I’ve had another offer to star in an adult movie. Cool huh? Did you see me on The View last month?

Helga: No. Were you ever an animal rights activist?

Nadya: Ha! Take a look around honey…this place is a ZOO!

Helga: Don’t call me honey. So what will you do with your fees from PETA?

Nadya: You know….it’s a question that gives me sleepless nights. Should I have the full tummy tuck or should I just work on the boobs? It’s a BIG decision…if you know what I mean… Oh shit!…hang on…..OH NO!!!!!!

Helga: ….hmm…don’t tell me….another one of your 14 kids trying to escape?

Nadya: Hell no!…MUCH worse – a volunteer trying to escape!

Helga: Nadya, you never disappoint. Go for the spaying dear…er…the campaign I mean…

Guru Baba Ramdev, our favourite Hindu Swami, who believes that Pranayama Yoga is the natural cure for all physical and mental ailments, offers free advice to the world on St Valentine’s Day.

Namaste dear cupid fellows and nice ladies! We are over joyful on this very day of the naked god-child shooting arrows through our 4th chakra. Everywhere you are seeing red and also we can say that the practice of ‘praanaayaama’ and ‘pratyaahaara’ yoga and diet is existing for providing health benefits for all peoples who are being in love.

Yes, it is truly that I am curing acne, that dastardly scourge of AIDS and even more than above – through breathing and yoga – I am curing most scallywag men who are being intimate in the manly way. Yes, yoga is relieving these naughty practices with much beneficials.

On this Valentine holy day, I am not taking Rupees to addition my Swiss balance. No, it’s the other hand! I am giving life lessons for higher spiritual purpose. Love on this very day is being a huge uplift if you are practicing through the Vedic science of yoga. Therefore, I am pleading you to be getting your assanas over to my Ayurvedic Centre and being in love to all nice peoples. This is making romancing truly!

Namaste,

Swami Baba Ramdev
Calcutta

Mayor who stole women’s underwear jailed

A mayor who got his ‘’sexual kicks” by sneaking into bedrooms to steal women’s underwear has been jailed for two years after he was caught out by a secret camera.

Ian Stafford, the ex-mayor of a Lancashire village, was jailed for two years Photo: PA

Ian Stafford, 59, was a church-goer and highly respected member of the community and Mayor of Preesall in Lancashire before his ”bluntly revolting” behaviour was uncovered, Preston Crown Court heard.

A part-time handyman and gardener, he had been employed for years by some of his victims who trusted him with keys to their homes.

But while alone Stafford, a bachelor, would creep into their bedrooms, rifle through underwear draws and masturbate before replacing the knickers and also stealing some of the garments.

One suspicious homeowner who began to notice the thefts then planted hidden cameras – which captured one episode with Stafford in the bedroom naked from the waste down acting out his fantasy, the court was told. Read the full story here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/lancashire/8501032.stm

David Beckham, Footballer & Professional Underwear Model Comments:

I reely feel fer them victims of this NICKER-FIEF!
I ask yer, wot the bleedin’ ‘ell is up wiv this bloke??!  It ain’t normawl. Okay, ‘ee don’t ‘ave no wife like my Victoria te keep ‘im ‘appy, but ‘ee could go wiv wun of them laydees wot gets paid, right?

I fink ponsin’ around an’ steelin’ nickers from yer girlie-mates ‘as gotta be a step down, innit? I ain’t got no simpa-fee!

Wot can yer do wiv this ‘ere dick-’ead? Fer starters, ‘ee needs a shrink, and that ain’t a lie! ‘Ee needs FERAPEE big-time, an’ maybee ‘ee can leed a normawl life wiv a lady wot appree-shee-aytes ‘im.

Wot I would say to this paffetick git is: Look mate, you ain’t the best lookin’ geezer in the yooniverse, but yoos could learn to keep yer kinks to yerself an’ maybee get a decent job modelin’ nickers like wot me an me wife Victoria doo.
Yer know it makes sense, yer sad tosser!

Tom Cruise – Scientologist (level V1 Thetan) and Actor

You know, at this festive time of year, it’s very tempting to drink, eat too much and take pills, especially anti-depressants and Aspirin. How to resist the urge to degrade yourself by self-medicating? Well, remember, for a mere $20,000, our special Scientology programmer will be able to keep you on the straight and narrow (and I mean that in the non-gay sense of the word) for the next few months…After that, we have  $10,000 bi-annual top-up program. This year, the Church of Scientology is giving away a free sofa with every first session of programming…..And giving is what Christmas is all about, right?

David Beckham, Footballer. Farva of Free & Underwear Supermodel:

‘Allo “Ewdge readers! I was finkin’ of makin’ a long speech, but I fawt to meself, no, David, no… too many words David. So ‘ere’s the speech annuver way – a simpool Christmas wish from a simpool man….
So, on be’arf of me wife Victoria and me free bootiful kids, I’d like ter wish awl ‘Ewdge readers a very ‘Appy Christmas an’ a pros’prus New Year! Cheers!

Octomom – Mother of 14

Hi Hewdge Readers,
Let me take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! You know people, Christmas is a great time for cosmetic surgery and also the best time to give presents to children, right? And that’s perfect because I would like to give children as presents. My eight youngest kids are still small enough to fit down the chimney, and, at a push, could even be used as stocking-fillers! They are adorable, and each kid comes with two and a half week’s supply of diapers! (disposable)
For more information, please contact: 14is2many@octomom.com

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, Friend of Italian President Sylvio Berlusconi:

I would like to take the opportunity to wish all Hewdge readers a very contemplative and holy holiday! To celebrate Christ our Saviour’s birthday, I will be postponing my private theological Q&A sessions with Signora Carla Forlanini and making sure all holiday flagellations are administered to the tune of ‘Good Christian Men Rejoice.’ We have to show respect, si?

Madame Gris-Gris,  Clairvoyant to the Stars

Mes chers amis, allow moi to deliver un Christmas message from Michael Jackson. And what iz zat message?
Zat we must enjoy la vie! ’Ow do I know zis? Because during ze trance, Michel whispers les secrets zat onlee ‘ee knows. Par example: ‘ow much ‘ee ADORES to wear Debbie Rowe’s vêtements.  Zis is proof, non? Also mes chers amis, look out for my noveau book about Michael called ‘Dead Man Moonwalking‘ which comes out in Janvier. It iz onlee $30 and iz what I call ‘a steal’

Mes amis, I, Madame Gris-Gris weesh you a very ‘Appy Noel and un new Bon Annee!!

Dear Hewdge readers
The H1N1 strain of influenza is in the air. Not to alarm you of course, just our way of saying that it’s a hot topic….erm, not in a fever sense naturally, but in a ‘vaccine is ready’ sense.
Yes, everyone is talking about the newly-tested vaccine…should they or shouldn’t they take it? A big decision. What if you could wear a smart suit and thus avoid getting the virus altogether? Crazy? Not if you’re Japanese and used to wacky inventions.  Read the full story of the ‘flu-suit’ below.
David Beckham, footballer and ‘varva of free’ reveals how his wife and ex-Spice girl, Victoria, loves the idea of healthy clothing and is making her own leisure-wear plans to help protect against the virus.

Jus’ let me say I fink it’s’ clevva wot them Japs ‘ave dun. They ‘ave put two fings toogevva – ‘ealth and fashun and that ain’t easy, right?
Me wife Victoria, who ain’t ‘arf as fin ‘as wot sum peeple fink, ‘as been inspired by them Jap ‘flu suits’ and is tawkin’ about makin’ a Bikini wot ‘elps peeple stay ‘ealthy.
That is me wife Victoria froo and froo..…always busy wiv trying to ‘elp uvver peeple. Wot ‘ave I dun to deserve ‘er? Really…wot ‘ave I dun? David B

The latest article posted by Hewdge, about commuter gropers on Tokyo’s subway system, has prompted a piece of advice by Swami Baba Ramdev, an Indian guru who believes that all ailments, including acne and ‘gayness’ can be cured by Pranayama Yoga.
In Tokyo, being groped on the subway has become such a problem for young women, that undercover police officers have been dispatched to catch the perpetrators in the act. Click here for the full story:

Baba Ramdev’s open letter to Hewdge addresses the issue of commuter groping and gives clear advice on how to end this very rude transport trend:

Dearest Japanese Commuting Ladies.
It is clearly these naughty Japanese groping men who are very much requiring Pranayama Yoga. With Pranayama Yoga we are removing the distortion disabilities of physical body’s and bringing us into spiritual discipline. What am I meaning? It is very clear. I am meaning, with correct prana-bindu breathing, and stretchy-bendy of the physical bodies, these scallywag Japanese men can be controlling urges of the groping action until they are arriving innocently home to their little wives
Namaste.
SWAMI BABA RAMDEV, Calcutta

It is one of the safest cities in the world, but for teenage girls and young women, travelling on Tokyo’s vast train and subway system comes with the ever-present risk of sexual harassment from fellow commuters.

But this week the Japanese capital’s police launched a crackdown on the scourge of groping. In the first reported case, Tsutomu Yamane, 30, was arrested within minutes of allegedly groping a 15-year-old girl on Monday morning.

Undercover police officers have been dispatched to notorious train lines across Tokyo in a new offensive against chikan, a catch-all term that covers groping, sexual rubbing and surreptitious mobile phone photography.

The introduction almost a decade ago of women-only carriages during the morning and evening rush hours failed to put an end to Japan’s chikan plague, despite warnings that convicted gropers face up to six months in prison and a fine of up to 500,000 yen (£3,300).

Police in Tokyo make between 1,500 and 1,800 arrests a year, and have recorded more than 700 cases in the first six months of this year. More than 50% of victims are women in their 20s, and about a third are teenage girls. According to one survey, nearly two-thirds of young women say they have been touched inappropriately in train or underground carriages.

Kimiko Kitagawa, a 31-year-old business consultant, joined the long list of chikan victims as she stepped off a subway train near her office in central Tokyo earlier this year. “I felt a hand grab my backside, but when I turned around there were several men rushing to get past,” she said. “I had no way of knowing who had touched me.”

Confusion and embarrassment mean the number of groping incidents is suspected of being much higher than official reports suggest. “Many victims are reluctant to come forward, as they feel too embarrassed,” a police spokesman told the Yomiuri newspaper. “We are going to concentrate on the most serious cases.”

The crackdown came in response to a recent jump in cases involving groups of men who use online chat rooms to arrange where and when to target women. At least 100 websites list prime groping locations, offering hints on how to fondle undetected and, if that does not work, evade arrest.

One site advises would-be gropers to select carriages with doors that open near platform escalators or staircases – perfect escape routes.

Several men arrested in recent months have admitted being encouraged by the websites and emboldened by the prospect of working as part of a group. A typical tactic is to position two men in front and behind a victim, while as many as six other men block the view of other passengers.

The police are targeting nine railway lines in Tokyo where groping has become endemic, especially the Saikyo line, which takes commuters between Ikebukuro and Akabane in the capital’s suburbs.

Attempts to prosecute gropers, however, have been frustrated by cases in which women, often with the help of male accomplices, make have made false accusations in the hope of securing huge out-of-court settlements.

Men who are apprehended are usually found guilty. The 2007 film, I Just Didn’t Do It, was based on the true story of a young man accused of groping who cleared his name after a five-year battle. In another high-profile case, the supreme court last year acquitted a 63-year-old professor of molesting a teenage girl in 2006. He had earlier been sentenced to 22 months in prison.

Dear Readers
Hewdge is sometimes the only true sanctuary that a person of consequence might flee to when avoiding the savage glare of the international media spotlight. In the case of Italy’s prime minister, Sylvio Berlusconi, who has been accused of sleeping with prostitutes and even of being a sex addict, the Italian press has rendered him the object of amusement among Roman matrons and the butt of tasteless Viagra jokes worldwide. Click here for the full story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/italy/6174403/Silvio-Berlusconi-threatens-to-sue-call-girl.html
However, the promiscuous prime minister does have loyal friends who are ready to support his decision to sue Patrizia D’Addario, a woman who claims that Mr Berlusconi slept with her on a number of occasions for money. One such ally is Roman Catholic Cardinal Gustavo Porchi, Sylvio Berlusconi’s boyhood friend. Hewdge publishes the Cardinal’s open letter, in the hope that the Italian media might pause to consider the damaging impact of its political witch-hunt.

Open letter from Cardnal Gustavo Porchi:

I wish to publicly defend my dear friend and prime minister, Mr Sylvio Berlusconi, against this blatant smear campaign orchestrated by the Italian and international press.
Mr Berlusconi’s private life is his own and he should not have to defend against hearsay, or rather – ‘whore-say’ , from that little tart, Patrizia D’Addario, who is the very worst kind of creature that God ever put on this earth. Why, at night I have heard Sylvio crying, crying into his pillow because of the damage to his reputation! That PUTANESCA is going to burn in the devil’s hell fires for her wickedness!!

At least I am grateful for one thing, that Mama Berlusconi (God rest her soul!) is not here to see her little Sylvio being branded as a common sex addict. I fervently pray that the press allows our prime minister to get on with the serious business of running the country, but should his enemies continue hounding him, we have excellent lawyers permanently on call at the Vatican who are deft at defending against trumped-up allegations in matters of the flesh, if you know what I mean….

For my part, I will immediately cross out that whore’s telephone number from my piccolo libro nero, recite ten Hail Marys, and flagellate myself until my pizza arrives.

May God Bless You And Keep You,
ex toto corde paenitet me,

Cardinal Gustavo Porchi