The Poop Scoop: During our last few days in Jakarta, Helmut and I decide it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee…

Dear Hewdge readers, while in Jakarta I discover something incredible, and it has to do with coffee! Yes, I am talking about THE most expensive coffee in the world and it comes from Indonesia! Each coffee bean used in this product makes the most interesting ‘inner journey’, so to speak, that I feel it is a process worth describing. So how does this particular coffee, called KOPI LUWAK, become such a precious commodity? To begin with, the sweetest and ripest red coffee ‘cherries’ are eaten by a strange, cat-like mammal, called a Palm Civet.

Once inside this creature’s stomach, the coffee beans soak up enzymes and gastric juices, then carry on through the intestines until they are at last, excreted (or may I use the word defecated?). After emerging partially digested, the beans are gathered, sun-dried, and lightly roasted before eventually ending up costing a coffee drinker in New York or Tokyo $30 a cup! Isn’t that marvelous? To celebrate this triumph of profitable recycling, and in delicious anticipation of future dinner parties, Helmut and I grab every packet of Kopi Luwak we can lay our rubber-gloved hands on! Dear readers, this is truly a beverage not to be sniffed at!

What fun then, do Helmut and I have in store for our dear friends and future dining companions? Well, while our guests are sipping their après-dinner Kopi Luwak coffee, Helmut and I will insist on telling them, with the aid of colour diagrams, all about its scatological history and will SO ENJOY watching their faces as we talk feces! . Should there be the odd, humorless guest who starts to feel queasy, Helmut will point again to the graphic pictures, then back to their cup, and jokingly ask if they would like a REFILL!!

Leader of the Free World

While we are in Jakarta, we take the opportunity to visit the primary school once attended by a current leader of the free world. Simon Cowell? Rupert Murdoch? Lady Gaga?  No, I am referring of course, to Barak Obama, 44th President of the United States! In the modest front courtyard stands President Obama’s statue, which depicts him at the age of eight, smiling broadly and in a grandiose gesture, lifting up his hand towards what could possibly be the Debt Ceiling

Dear readers, this is a powerful and prescient moment, and to mark its solemnity, Helmut and I both reach into our Indonesian sweat-shop hoodie pockets for some gum…

Leaving Jakarta

Alas, a few days later, it is time to leave Jakarta for the next city on our Going Global tour -Saigon – but irritatingly, when Helmut and I arrive at the airport, we are told we cannot board our flight! Is this because we are overburdened with the Bombay? No, much worse! We cannot fly because we do not have the required visa to enter Vietnam! Immediately, Helmut and I spring into action and try offering a bribe, but unfortunately, stockpiling Kopi Luwak has depleted our resources…

Back in Jakarta for two extra days, we book a high-end hotel near a shopping mall, but to our surprise, find that the wall that separates our bedroom from our bathroom is made ENTIRELY of GLASS. This is because the bath and toilet being visible from the bedroom area, is the latest annoying hotel trend!

The next morning, I peer through our glass wall into the bathroom, and offer Helmut a cup of Kopi Luwak while he’s ‘powdering his nose’. But he is strangely irate and aims his new paperback ‘Civet Farming For Dummies’ directly at my Bombay Sapphire. I believe I also hear him mutter, “Dammit, leave me to recycle my recycled coffee beans in peace!”, but dear readers, I am FAR too busy restocking the mini-bar to answer the dear man…

Next posting: Helmut and I reach Saigon and see red at last!

Taking the Pisang: Outside Jakarta, Helmut and I discover some uncomfortable truths about animal and human behaviour..

Dear readers, just a few days after Helmut and I arrive in Jakarta, we waste no time in hiring a local driver, and set off to explore the Javanese countryside. Our destination? A Wild-Life Safari Park, 80 kilometers outside the city, where we are allowed to mingle with all types of hungry and ferocious creatures, from the comfort and safety of our vehicle. So far, Helmut and I have managed to keep our wildlife contact to a culinary minimum, and ONLY after making sure that the animal or insect in question is dead. Therefore, it is with a little trepidation and a very large hip flask that we sally forth on this new safari adventure…

In the meantime, some Indonesian Wildlife Facts:

Frogs’ Legs

Indonesia is one of the biggest exporters of frogs’ legs in the world and conversely, France is one the biggest importers of frogs’ legs in the world, receiving around 3,000 tons of legs annually. Could that be 1,500 tons of right legs and 1,500 tons of left legs? In the past, the frogs could be obtained from the wild, especially during the rainy seasons, but lately, more and more farms make a good living raising frogs, until their Schwarzenegger-like muscle-bound legs are finally cut off, for the French to consume! Hmm, délicieux!

Komodo Dragon

Uniquely native to the Komodo group of islands, this wild animal known locally as buaja durat or land crocodile, is the world’s largest and heaviest lizard, reaching lengths of over three meters and weighing in at around 166 kilos. But can you eat it, I hear you ask? I’m sure it would be palatable – with the right amount of chili sauce (sambal oelek). On the other hand, this winsome reptile would ADORE eating humans without any condiments..

Orangutans

Known as the ‘Man of the Forest’ in the Malay language, this primate is the world’s largest living arboreal or tree dwelling animal. The only great ape of Asia, the orangutan is found on the islands of Borneo and Sumatra and, along with bonobos, chimpanzees, and gorillas, is remarkably similar to humans in terms of anatomy, physiology, and behavior. Hmm, but would they enjoy frogs’ legs, washed down with a Bombay Sapphire..?

Safari Park Assailants

Along the road leading to the Safari Park, animal-fast-food snack dealers line up in droves, touting bunches of carrots (wortel-wortel) and bananas (pisang-pisang), despite numerous signs saying: Do Not Feed The Animals. Below, an emboldened pisang-pusher overtly breaks the rules

Once inside the park, we are at once waylaid by a very large Carrot Junkie, desperate for his wortel fix!

Aggressive breaking into cars is typical Safari Park behaviour, and quite often the animals will form into GANGS, in order to better extract the fruit and veggies from suppliers…

Dear readers, since our hip flasks are drained to the last drop, how do Helmut and I cope with the mammalian mafiosas? Things get even uglier when we spot a sign from the Camel Gang spelling out Hati-Hati (literally heart-heart or hearts) meaning: BE CAREFUL! This horrifying and graphic image below, warns us visitors what will happen if we don’t hand over the goodies…

On The Way Home

On the drive back to Jakarta, heavy traffic brings us to a stand-still for HOURS and it is during this time period I believe, that Budi, our married (and may I say pious?) chauffeur, develops a deep attraction for Helmut. From the back seat, I see it all unfolding, but because Helmut is such a friendly chap, it is quite understandable why patting Budi playfully and frequently on the shoulders, could so easily be misconstrued. Oh dear! Will Helmut be held responsible for yet another man’s broken hati? Only time will tell….

Kota Revisited

The next evening, we revisit Kota and mingle with the crowds in the main square. Later, by chance, we come across a deranged youth with extreme black horns sticking out of his back. Is this art? Or is he desperate for a job at the Safari Park? Helmut and I will never know, because annoyingly, he and his friends don’t speak English!

On the subject of languages, perhaps you’ve noticed, dear readers, that the plural in Bahasa Indonesian, can be formed by saying the noun twice (as in pisang-pisang meaning bananas)? With that in mind, Helmut and I head for the BARS and funnily enough, we know JUST the place for our first drink-drink…

Ian Stafford, the ex-mayor of a Lancashire village, was jailed for two years Photo: PA

Ian Stafford, 59, was a church-goer and highly respected member of the community and Mayor of Preesall in Lancashire before his ”bluntly revolting” behaviour was uncovered, Preston Crown Court heard.

A part-time handyman and gardener, he had been employed for years by some of his victims who trusted him with keys to their homes.

But while alone Stafford, a bachelor, would creep into their bedrooms, rifle through underwear draws and masturbate before replacing the knickers and also stealing some of the garments.

One suspicious homeowner who began to notice the thefts then planted hidden cameras – which captured one episode with Stafford in the bedroom naked from the waste down acting out his fantasy, the court was told. Read the full story here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/lancashire/8501032.stm

David Beckham, Footballer & Professional Underwear Model Comments:

I reely feel fer them victims of this NICKER-FIEF!
I ask yer, wot the bleedin’ ‘ell is up wiv this bloke??!  It ain’t normawl. Okay, ‘ee don’t ‘ave no wife like my Victoria te keep ‘im ‘appy, but ‘ee could go wiv wun of them laydees wot gets paid, right?

I fink ponsin’ around an’ steelin’ nickers from yer girlie-mates ‘as gotta be a step down, innit? I ain’t got no simpa-fee!

Wot can yer do wiv this ‘ere dick-’ead? Fer starters, ‘ee needs a shrink, and that ain’t a lie! ‘Ee needs FERAPEE big-time, an’ maybee ‘ee can leed a normawl life wiv a lady wot appree-shee-aytes ‘im.

Wot I would say to this paffetick git is: Look mate, you ain’t the best lookin’ geezer in the yooniverse, but yoos could learn to keep yer kinks to yerself an’ maybee get a decent job modelin’ nickers like wot me an me wife Victoria doo.
Yer know it makes sense, yer sad tosser!

Helga Hewston, roving reporter for Hewdge, writes in from the tiny Pacific island of Erromango, now part of Vanuatu, where recently, the descendants of a British missionary have received a personal apology from the islanders, for having killed and eaten their ancestor, John Williams, as well as fellow missionary, John Harris. Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/vanuatu/6756656/Tribe-apologises-for-eating-British-missionary.html

Recalls islander Vassie Parilongi, now a part-time dinner lady in Melbourne’s Ear, Nose & Throat hospital canteen:

The story of the two British missionaries, Williams and Harris was recounted to me as a bed-time story when I was growing up. My mother used to tell me that both men were surly, rotund creatures, who took hours to tenderize. In fact, we have a nursery rhyme she used to sing to me which, roughly translated, goes something like this:

Two fat men

Two big fires

Too much time To tenderize

Missionary man

Go home to your gods

Chicken is better

Pass the salt

The Erromango islanders, who once had a nasty habit of eating their visitors, still have their own special family recipes handed down from generation to generation. But nowadays, instead of eating people, they are strict vegans and eschew any form of animal products. Why the change? Until recently, the islanders believed their past actions had brought a curse to the tribe.

“We were happy to have the curse lifted”, the village elders stated. Asked what the curse was, they all looked at each other and started crying. The island, now a tropical paradise for tourists, was once famous for its young people developing a mysterious and unsightly skin condition, a white stripe around the neck called a ‘godimanimarki’ or ‘Missionary Collar’, upon reaching puberty.

GG Qlarq

Shortly after Hewdge decided to publish the crop circle story (see full story below), we received an open letter from the British Ministry of Defence addressed to the lowly Police Officer who happened upon a group of tall ‘blond aliens’ in the wilds of Wiltshire. Because he was off duty at the time of the ‘sightings’, Sergeant Dixon’s story has, undeservedly, not been taken seriously by local and international media. Is the MOD trying to ‘fob him orf’? You be the judge. GG Qlarq

Dixon, my good man, appears you saw a ‘bit of action’ the other day at the local crop circle, eh what?

Listen here, old chap….absolutely nothing to worry about. Encounter, not cricket obviously, but not in the least bit suspicious – in fact, if anything, a blasted nuisance and a bit of a bore.

Naturally, no aliens involved.  Lot of stuff and nonsense! Ha! Guffawing out loud at the very idea!

To follow, possible explanations for wobbly upper lip:

• Yellow Hot Air Balloons (always sending them up – blighters always coming back down)

• Abba Tribute Band (one playing in local village – awful racket)

• Farmers’ prank (damned jokers, when they’re not shooting themselves, that is!)

• Cows (damned silly creatures – neurotic around electric fences)

• Kids (upstarts in general)

• Americans (rather tall on the whole)

Suggest a jolly good drink/walk with the wife to let the dust settle, then back to work it is, my good fellow, protecting our glorious countryside against dirty rotten vandals, who seek to undermine our British way of life, eh what?

Yours,

Major Charles Pickett-Humes
Ministry of Defence (Public Relations Dept.)

A police officer contacted British UFO experts after seeing three aliens examining a freshly made crop circle near Avebury, Wiltshire.

By Alastair Jamieson via www.telegraph.co.uk

Many crop circles, including this one in May 2009, have appeared near Silbury Hill, Wiltshire

The sergeant, who has not been named, was off-duty when he saw the figures standing in a field near Silbury Hill, and stopped his car to investigate.

However, as he approached the ‘men’ – all over 6ft tall with blond hair – he heard “the sound of static electricity” and the trio ran away ”faster than any man he had ever seen”.

The officer returned to his home in Marlborough, Wiltshire, and contacted paranormal experts and told them he had spotted a UFO.

Wiltshire Police has refused to comment on the incident, saying it is a ”personal matter” for the officer involved.

Crop circle researcher Andrew Russell, who is investigating the bizarre sighting on behalf of the officer, described the moment his sighting was made.

He said: ”At first he thought they were forensic officers as they were dressed in white coveralls. He stopped his car and approached the field.

”The figures were all over 6ft and had blond hair. They seemed to be inspecting the crop. When he got to the edge of the field he heard what he believed to be a sound not dissimilar to static electricity.

”This crackling noise seemed to be running through the field and the crop was moving gently, close to where the noise was.

”He shouted to the figures who, at first, ignored him, not glancing at him. When he tried to enter the field they looked up and began running.

”He said; ‘They ran faster than any man I have ever seen. I’m no slouch but they were moving so fast. I looked away for a second and when I looked back they were gone.

”I then got scared. The noise was still around but I got an uneasy feeling and headed for the car. For the rest of the day I had a pounding headache I couldn’t shift.”

The bizarre incident occurred on the morning of July 6 this year as the police officer was driving.

The officer claims the three figures were examining a crop circle, which had appeared several days earlier, when he stopped his car and began walking towards them.

However, the mysterious beings disappeared when he ”looked away for a second” and he contacted UFO experts after witnessing other paranormal activity.

A spokesman for Wiltshire Police said: ”The police officer was apparently off duty when this happened so we have no comment to make because it is a personal not a police matter.”

Crop circle expert Colin Andrews, who investigated the incident alongside Andrew Russell, said he is ”convinced” by the police officer’s story.

He said: ”I am quite convinced the officer had an experience that day and one that we have not fully explored.

”I think with the unusual movement of the being and the poltergeist experiences there is too much additional information to say that is something in nothing.”

The anti-flu suit which is on sale in Japan

The company has produced 50,000 of the suits and will start selling them on Thursday, according to a company spokesman.

The suit is coated with the chemical titanium dioxide, which reacts to light to break down and kill the virus when it comes into contact with it, according to Junko Hirohata. The chemical is a common ingredient in toothpaste and cosmetics.

The suit – which is indistinguishable from any other worn by Japan’s legion of “salarymen” – comes in four colours and styles, which are medium grey, charcoal, navy and a grey pinstripe. It will go on sale for about £365.

The company said it spent a year developing the suit, which retains its properties even after being washed numerous times.

Japan has been gripped by swine flu fear since the global outbreak began a year ago, with the World Health Organisation confirming more than 340,000 cases worldwide and around 4,100 deaths.

A seven-year-old boy became the latest victim in Japan on Sept 22, the youngest and 18th fatality from the disease here.

In the same week, medical institutions across the country reported treating 23,275 cases of influenza, the majority with the new H1N1 strain. Most of the new cases were reported in urban areas, where population density increases the risk of transmission

The latest article posted by Hewdge, about commuter gropers on Tokyo’s subway system, has prompted a piece of advice by Swami Baba Ramdev, an Indian guru who believes that all ailments, including acne and ‘gayness’ can be cured by Pranayama Yoga.
In Tokyo, being groped on the subway has become such a problem for young women, that undercover police officers have been dispatched to catch the perpetrators in the act. Click here for the full story: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/sep/17/japan-tokyo-police-commuter-gropers

Baba Ramdev’s open letter to Hewdge addresses the issue of commuter groping and gives clear advice on how to end this very rude transport trend:

Dearest Japanese Commuting Ladies.
It is clearly these naughty Japanese groping men who are very much requiring Pranayama Yoga. With Pranayama Yoga we are removing the distortion disabilities of physical body’s and bringing us into spiritual discipline. What am I meaning? It is very clear. I am meaning, with correct prana-bindu breathing, and stretchy-bendy of the physical bodies, these scallywag Japanese men can be controlling urges of the groping action until they are arriving innocently home to their little wives
Namaste.
SWAMI BABA RAMDEV, Calcutta

It is one of the safest cities in the world, but for teenage girls and young women, travelling on Tokyo’s vast train and subway system comes with the ever-present risk of sexual harassment from fellow commuters.

But this week the Japanese capital’s police launched a crackdown on the scourge of groping. In the first reported case, Tsutomu Yamane, 30, was arrested within minutes of allegedly groping a 15-year-old girl on Monday morning.

Undercover police officers have been dispatched to notorious train lines across Tokyo in a new offensive against chikan, a catch-all term that covers groping, sexual rubbing and surreptitious mobile phone photography.

The introduction almost a decade ago of women-only carriages during the morning and evening rush hours failed to put an end to Japan‘s chikan plague, despite warnings that convicted gropers face up to six months in prison and a fine of up to 500,000 yen (£3,300).

Police in Tokyo make between 1,500 and 1,800 arrests a year, and have recorded more than 700 cases in the first six months of this year. More than 50% of victims are women in their 20s, and about a third are teenage girls. According to one survey, nearly two-thirds of young women say they have been touched inappropriately in train or underground carriages.

Kimiko Kitagawa, a 31-year-old business consultant, joined the long list of chikan victims as she stepped off a subway train near her office in central Tokyo earlier this year. “I felt a hand grab my backside, but when I turned around there were several men rushing to get past,” she said. “I had no way of knowing who had touched me.”

Confusion and embarrassment mean the number of groping incidents is suspected of being much higher than official reports suggest. “Many victims are reluctant to come forward, as they feel too embarrassed,” a police spokesman told the Yomiuri newspaper. “We are going to concentrate on the most serious cases.”

The crackdown came in response to a recent jump in cases involving groups of men who use online chat rooms to arrange where and when to target women. At least 100 websites list prime groping locations, offering hints on how to fondle undetected and, if that does not work, evade arrest.

One site advises would-be gropers to select carriages with doors that open near platform escalators or staircases – perfect escape routes.

Several men arrested in recent months have admitted being encouraged by the websites and emboldened by the prospect of working as part of a group. A typical tactic is to position two men in front and behind a victim, while as many as six other men block the view of other passengers.

The police are targeting nine railway lines in Tokyo where groping has become endemic, especially the Saikyo line, which takes commuters between Ikebukuro and Akabane in the capital’s suburbs.

Attempts to prosecute gropers, however, have been frustrated by cases in which women, often with the help of male accomplices, make have made false accusations in the hope of securing huge out-of-court settlements.

Men who are apprehended are usually found guilty. The 2007 film, I Just Didn’t Do It, was based on the true story of a young man accused of groping who cleared his name after a five-year battle. In another high-profile case, the supreme court last year acquitted a 63-year-old professor of molesting a teenage girl in 2006. He had earlier been sentenced to 22 months in prison.

Via www.dailymail.co.uk

A former spy convicted of fraud in the United Arab Emirates has told how he made a bid for freedom by donning a wetsuit disguised under a burka before diving into the ocean.

Frenchman Herve Jaugbert, an ex-naval officer, alleges the Dubai secret police had threatened to insert needles up his nose and that he was about to be thrown in jail for a crime he didn’t commit.

Jaubert, who designs and builds leisure submarines, then disguised himself in a burka and walked down to the water’s edge.

From there, he swam underwater to the nearby coastguard station, on a remote outpost, where he cut the fuel lines on a police patrol boat. He knew it was the only one in the area, and the coast would now be clear.

He then swam back to the beach, got into a Zodiac dinghy and headed back out to sea. Six hours later he was 25 miles off-shore and outside Dubai’s territorial waters. Another former French agent met him in a yacht, he claims.

Kitted up: Jaubert had breathing equipment with him so he could swim underwater to a police patrol boat and disable its engines

The pair then sailed to Mumbai, India, which took a week. Jaugbert told the French consul that he had lost his passport and was given a new one.

Jaubert had been working as a contractor for ship-builder Dubai World in 2007 when he was called in for questioning by police, he told The Sunday Times. An executive at the firm had reported finding bullets in Jaugbert’s office and police thought he was a mercenary or hitman. At the same time, the company accused Jaubert of billing for goods that did not arrive.

According to Jaubert, his employers had run out of money and wanted to find a way of sacking him without paying benefits that would have been due under a five-year contract.

Covered up: Jaugbert used padding under the burka to disguise the shape of his breathing equipment

‘The police had interrogated me for hours and threatened me with torture,’ he said from his home in Florida, where he now lives with his wife and two children. ‘I lived with a ball of fear in my stomach.’

He said that if he hadn’t left, he’d be ‘stuck in the same nightmare as the others’, referring to the dozens of expatriate businessmen who are languishing in Dubai jails for alleged ‘economic crimes’.

As the economic slump deepens, foreigners are being jailed for misdeeds not generally considered as crimes, such as the bouncing of a cheque.

To the Emirati authorities, however, Jaugbert – who is writing a book about his experiences – is a liar and convicted fraudster. He was sentenced in absentia to five years in prison after his escape in the dinghy.

A spokesman for Dubai World said Jaubert had been dismissed because ‘he was found stealing from the company’, adding that his five-year sentence was ‘entirely appropriate’.

Out to sea: Jaugbert travelled 25 miles in a rubber dinghy to escape from the Dubai police who he alleges threatened him with torture. A friend picked him up in his yacht and they sailed on to Mumbai

Read more on Jaubert’s website: www.escapefromdubai.com