In this post: Helmut and I practice our flip-flop shuffle and arrive in Japan, where the ‘power-nap’ is the only way to survive a long train journey.

Dearest Hewdge Readers,

How Helmut and I have missed you! Here we are again with our travel log, but before I continue, let me just mention briefly, our wonderful hotel, Sunny Meadows, where the word ‘alcoholism’ only ever appears once in the brochure.  A truly charming home from home, where the cold, winter nights simply fly by!

I am happy to report, dear readers, that as soon as we are allowed out (for good behaviour) from that safe, nurturing and AA approved environment, Helmut and I waste no time in re-stocking our freezer and booking our flight to Tokyo. We begin at once, practicing for our trip to Japan, by shuffling around the house the entire day, in thick, white socks and rubber flip-flops.

As it happens, we are accustomed to shuffling, but this time, we manage without the thorazine.

Dear readers, visiting the ‘Land of the Rising Sun’ is so exciting, that Helmut and I don’t really know how to contain ourselves. Alas, these mishaps occur more frequently these days, and although there ARE special double-thick plastic-lined ‘containers’ for people our age, we prefer not to drink too much until after take-off.

As soon as we touch down, we are impressed with the level of politeness, efficiency, and white-glove wearing, all of which are common features of this fascinating country.

Our first journey from Narita International Airport, to the heart of Tokyo, is a two-hour train-ride. On both the train and the subway, exhausted Japanese commuters are fond of falling into a sleepy stupor, or power-nap as they prefer to call it, but seem to have an UNCANNY ability to wake up at their precise destination. Dear readers, how do they do this without a gentle wake-up call and a nice, hot cup of tea?

On the long journey to Tokyo, Helmut and I reach for our duty-free, and end up falling into another kind of commuter stupor..Yes, Helmut and I are in love with Japan already!

Next Time: Japanese Customs and Food

Dear readers, after a rather impromptu departure from our Going Global tour, and a prolonged stay in Europe, Helmut and I have recently returned to the leafy avenues and colonial grandeur of Ho Chi Minh City. Why the extended absence? Well, let’s just say that to the delight of our local wine merchants, we are now firmly back on our feet and believe it or not, rehab is NOT that bad!

Once back in Saigon, Helmut and I waste no time in exploring a few of the colourful and ornate temples dotted around this magnificent city

Inside the inner courtyard and amid thick clouds of burning incense, there is an air of serenity and contemplation – the perfect place for me and hubby Helmut to reflect on how the Middle Way explicitly refutes the extremes of both eternalism and nihilism, the illusion of reality, and the price of a shot of gin

On our second day back, a cultural and historic surprise presents itself. Dear readers, who would ever guess, that located a short distance from where we reside, the picturesque Museum of Vietnamese History houses objets d’art likely to make even a sailor blush?

But, before I can divulge the cause of any tar-blushing, some interesting Saigon facts:

Bombay Sapphire: Can be obtained quite easily, from shops, bars, clubs and hotels, but no harm in stocking up! Vietnam, of course, is a socialist country, but somehow, socialism and alcohol seem to blend so well together.

Food – delicious, plentiful, fresh, cheap. Vietnamese cuisine varies slightly from region to region, with many regions having their own specialties. Generally, northern Vietnamese cuisine is known for being bland, while southern Vietnamese cuisine is known for being spicy

Other Saigon facts, which are not quite as interesting as the first two:

Architecture: colonial-style and for the most part, the city is still charmingly devoid of tower-blocks and mega-malls.

Numbers: Saigon is a city of nearly 8 million inhabitants and covers an area just over 809 square miles

Seasons: Saigon has two seasons – wet and dry.The wet season usually starts in May and ends in November. The dry season is from December to April. (or in our case: dry, when we run out of Bombay and wet, when we locate a bottle)

Currency: The official currency in Vietnam is the DONG (VND). Helmut and I try to use our Dong at every opportunity, which means shopping daily. Luckily, we get a lot of Dong for our Dollar, hence, when an item is extra cheap, we say it’s “going for a Dong”

The Museum of Vietnamese History

Set in the Botanic Gardens in the centre of the city, the Museum of Vietnamese History is worth a visit for its location and architecture as much as its collection.

Built in 1929 in a style that fuses Asiatic and French influences, the museum’s collection covers Vietnam’s history from the Bronze Age and includes artifacts of the Cham and Khmer civilizations

Beyond the elegantly displayed statues of Hindu deities, Shiva and Ganesh, is a large collection of sandstone penises or Lingams as they are called in Sanskrit

Although the Lingam has been interpreted by some Western scholars, as a symbol of male creative energy or as a phallic symbol, to practicing Hindus the Lingam represents the inseparability of the male and female principles and the totality of creation. Judging by the generous dimensions of the carefully crafted stone blocks, it seems that when it comes to creation, size DOES matter.

Our dear hosts seem very interested in this philosophical and abstract interpretation and take an annoyingly long time in this section of the museum. Later, they both have to recharge their video, camera and cell phone batteries….

Hoi An

Towards the end of our Saigon stay, Helmut and I head north to the stunning World Heritage site of Hoi An, a beautifully preserved coastal town that has miraculously escaped war damage. At the airport, Helmut makes a new friend, an old man dressed in his pyjamas, who, spotting Helmut from across the terminal, shuffles over, and sits holding his hand until it’s time to depart

Helmut and are SMITTEN with Hoi An! There is something magical about this ancient seaport and the colours go to my head. Or could it be the pre-cocktail shots from one of the many tourist bars lining the high street? It’s hard to tell..

Hoi An Facts:

Situated almost 600 km north of Saigon and 30 km south of Danang, Hoi An lies on the banks of the Thu Bon river

The town has a distinct Chinese atmosphere with low, tile-roofed houses and narrow streets; the original structure of some of these streets still remains almost intact

Houses in Hoi An are made of rare wood, decorated with lacquered boards and panels engraved with Chinese characters. Pillars are also carved with ornamental designs

While Hoi An’s old-fashioned charm is always visible, on the 14th of every lunar month modernity takes another step back. On these evenings the town turns off its street lamps and fluorescent lights, leaving the Old Quarter bathed in the warm glow of coloured silk, glass and paper lanterns

My-Son

The next day, we take a boat trip and visit the ruins of Vietnam’s very own Angkor Wat at My-Son, the site of a Hindu temple complex dating back to the 7th century and consisting of Champa temples and burial chambers, in a valley roughly two kms wide, surrounded by two mountain ranges. Funnily enough, as we hunt among the ruins, we discover even more evidence of the inseparability of the male and female principle and the totality of creation

Sai-Going….Going-Gon

During our last Pho noodle meal with our dear hosts, we bid farewell or pho-well, as Helmut jokingly quips, to the city we have grown so fond of

Helmut, true to his Babe Magnet reputation, has gathered more than a few admirers during our stay, but being used to so much attention, how will he cope with no attention at all, in our next port of call – Tokyo?

Interested in Helmut? YES!

Interested in Helmut? YES!!

Interested in Helmut? NOPE!

Paul Daniels, the television magician, stripped down to his underwear to parody one of David Beckham’s risqué adverts for Emporio Armani.

via www.telegraph.co.uk

Photo: Bauer Media

The 71-year-old adopted the provocative pose in a spoof photoshoot for the women’s magazine Closer.

The magician even copied the England footballer’s distinctive tattoos, although eagle-eyed readers may pick up on slight differences in their physiques.

“Looking at David, I thought about all the work that had gone into his six-pack and I realised how happy I am with my one-pack,” Daniels told the Daily Mail.

This is not the first time that Daniels has shed his clothes in tribute to Beckham.

David Beckham comments:

“Yeah, Victoria, me wife an’ muvver of me free kiddies, finks it’s a good larf. Sum peeple ask me wot I fink about me mate Paul lookin’ ‘andsome in the foto, an’ i tell ‘em, it’s like we got sep’rated at birf!!  Ain’t it brill’yant to see wot a bit of make-up can do fer a bloke??  It’s magik! FANK YOO Paul, I luv ya!”

Helga Hewston, roving reporter for Hewdge, writes in from the tiny Pacific island of Erromango, now part of Vanuatu, where recently, the descendants of a British missionary have received a personal apology from the islanders, for having killed and eaten their ancestor, John Williams, as well as fellow missionary, John Harris. Read the full story here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/vanuatu/6756656/Tribe-apologises-for-eating-British-missionary.html

Recalls islander Vassie Parilongi, now a part-time dinner lady in Melbourne’s Ear, Nose & Throat hospital canteen:

The story of the two British missionaries, Williams and Harris was recounted to me as a bed-time story when I was growing up. My mother used to tell me that both men were surly, rotund creatures, who took hours to tenderize. In fact, we have a nursery rhyme she used to sing to me which, roughly translated, goes something like this:

Two fat men

Two big fires

Too much time To tenderize

Missionary man

Go home to your gods

Chicken is better

Pass the salt

The Erromango islanders, who once had a nasty habit of eating their visitors, still have their own special family recipes handed down from generation to generation. But nowadays, instead of eating people, they are strict vegans and eschew any form of animal products. Why the change? Until recently, the islanders believed their past actions had brought a curse to the tribe.

“We were happy to have the curse lifted”, the village elders stated. Asked what the curse was, they all looked at each other and started crying. The island, now a tropical paradise for tourists, was once famous for its young people developing a mysterious and unsightly skin condition, a white stripe around the neck called a ‘godimanimarki’ or ‘Missionary Collar’, upon reaching puberty.

GG Qlarq