Hewdge » X-files

David Beckham “Pissed Off” At Dad Who Spoke Only Klingon To Baby Son

helga — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 10:46:42 +0000

Our regular contributor, David Beckham, media darling, devoted ‘usband an’ farva of free’, reacts harshly this week to a recent article found on the American blog-site, the Huffington Post.

The disturbing but true story, tells of a linguist father, d’Armond Speers, who spoke to his baby son only in Klingon (’tlhIngan Hol‘ in Klingon) for the first three years of his son’s life, as a kind of linguistic experiment.

Star-Trek fans or ‘Trekkies’ will know that ‘Klingonese’ is a language spoken by the warrior race of alien beings (and on-off enemy of the Starship Federation) called the Klingons. Even though their language is an invention of Star Trek writers, it has inspired a serious world-wide cult following, as well as its own syntax and grammar rules.

Read the full HuffPo story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/19/darmond-speers-dad-spoke_n_363477.html

‘Allo ‘Ewdge Readers

I gotta tell you, me an’ me wife Victoria were well pissed off wen we ‘eard about this geezer wot ownlee spoke to ‘is kid in Klingon

Fer gawd’s sake, wot kind of poncy farva tawks to ‘is kiddie in sum poxy alien Star Trek language, wot ain’t real?

That is child abuse fer starters, innit?

An wot about the farva’s name? ‘d’Amond’ sumfink or ovva….’Ow pree-ten-shus!

Wun fing I will say is that my boys Brooklyn, Romeo an’ baby Cruz, ‘ave a muvva an’ farva wot luvs ‘em te deaf, an’ ‘oo ain’t afraid te tawk te them kiddies in proppa English.

Wun day them boys are gonna fank us for ‘ow they was brung up

Ministry Of Defence In Denial Over Alien Sighting

helga — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:49:27 +0000

Shortly after Hewdge decided to publish the crop circle story (see full story below), we received an open letter from the British Ministry of Defence addressed to the lowly Police Officer who happened upon a group of tall ‘blond aliens’ in the wilds of Wiltshire. Because he was off duty at the time of the ‘sightings’, Sergeant Dixon’s story has, undeservedly, not been taken seriously by local and international media. Is the MOD trying to ‘fob him orf’? You be the judge. GG Qlarq

Dixon, my good man, appears you saw a ‘bit of action’ the other day at the local crop circle, eh what?

Listen here, old chap….absolutely nothing to worry about. Encounter, not cricket obviously, but not in the least bit suspicious – in fact, if anything, a blasted nuisance and a bit of a bore.

Naturally, no aliens involved. Lot of stuff and nonsense! Ha! Guffawing out loud at the very idea!

To follow, possible explanations for wobbly upper lip:

Yellow Hot Air Balloons (always sending them up – blighters always coming back down)

Abba Tribute Band (one playing in local village – awful racket)

Farmers’ prank (damned jokers, when they’re not shooting themselves, that is!)

Cows (damned silly creatures – neurotic around electric fences)

Kids (upstarts in general)

Americans (rather tall on the whole)

Suggest a jolly good drink/walk with the wife to let the dust settle, then back to work it is, my good fellow, protecting our glorious countryside against dirty rotten vandals, who seek to undermine our British way of life, eh what?

Yours,

Major Charles Pickett-Humes
Ministry of Defence (Public Relations Dept.)

The Policeman, The Crop Circle & The Blond Aliens

helga — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 10:23:16 +0000

A police officer contacted British UFO experts after seeing three aliens examining a freshly made crop circle near Avebury, Wiltshire.

By Alastair Jamieson via www.telegraph.co.uk

Many crop circles, including this one in May 2009, have appeared near Silbury Hill, Wiltshire

The sergeant, who has not been named, was off-duty when he saw the figures standing in a field near Silbury Hill, and stopped his car to investigate.

However, as he approached the ‘men’ – all over 6ft tall with blond hair – he heard “the sound of static electricity” and the trio ran away ”faster than any man he had ever seen”.

The officer returned to his home in Marlborough, Wiltshire, and contacted paranormal experts and told them he had spotted a UFO.

Wiltshire Police has refused to comment on the incident, saying it is a ”personal matter” for the officer involved.

Crop circle researcher Andrew Russell, who is investigating the bizarre sighting on behalf of the officer, described the moment his sighting was made.

He said: ”At first he thought they were forensic officers as they were dressed in white coveralls. He stopped his car and approached the field.

”The figures were all over 6ft and had blond hair. They seemed to be inspecting the crop. When he got to the edge of the field he heard what he believed to be a sound not dissimilar to static electricity.

”This crackling noise seemed to be running through the field and the crop was moving gently, close to where the noise was.

”He shouted to the figures who, at first, ignored him, not glancing at him. When he tried to enter the field they looked up and began running.

”He said; ‘They ran faster than any man I have ever seen. I’m no slouch but they were moving so fast. I looked away for a second and when I looked back they were gone.

”I then got scared. The noise was still around but I got an uneasy feeling and headed for the car. For the rest of the day I had a pounding headache I couldn’t shift.”

The bizarre incident occurred on the morning of July 6 this year as the police officer was driving.

The officer claims the three figures were examining a crop circle, which had appeared several days earlier, when he stopped his car and began walking towards them.

However, the mysterious beings disappeared when he ”looked away for a second” and he contacted UFO experts after witnessing other paranormal activity.

A spokesman for Wiltshire Police said: ”The police officer was apparently off duty when this happened so we have no comment to make because it is a personal not a police matter.”

Crop circle expert Colin Andrews, who investigated the incident alongside Andrew Russell, said he is ”convinced” by the police officer’s story.

He said: ”I am quite convinced the officer had an experience that day and one that we have not fully explored.

”I think with the unusual movement of the being and the poltergeist experiences there is too much additional information to say that is something in nothing.”

Tiny Tom Cruise Responds To Japan’s First Lady

helga — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 22:57:02 +0000

Another surprise article on Hewdge, and this time the spotlight is on the first lady of Japan. Prime Minister’s wife, Mrs Miyuki Hatoyama, claims in her latest book that, among other things, she has visited Venus in a UFO and that she has met diminutive ‘Mission Impossible’ star Tom Cruise in a previous life. Read her story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/japan/6129871/Japans-new-first-lady-flew-to-Venus-with-UFO.html

As media outlets around the world focus on this striking revelation from such a prominent member of Japanese society, couch-crushing Cruise, responds in an open letter to Hewdge:

Firstly, and for the record, I would like to tell Hewdge readers, that the wild rumours swirling around Hollywood, that I’m gay, are NOT TRUE.

Secondly, concerning the last article posted on Hewdge, it seems that the first lady of Japan, Mrs Miyuki Hatoyama, is claiming that we met for the first time in a previous life, where I was a Japanese. That is ridiculous and dangerous bullshit! I have never been a Japanese!

Could it be that Mrs Hatoyama is getting me just a little mixed up with my movie role where I played an honorary Samurai? (note to self: “Damn, I was good in that part!”)

Personally, I think the dear first lady is on prescription drugs such as tranquilizers or worse, anti-depressants, which would explain her ramblings. This is disgusting! Medication is the devil’s own spawn and her resorting to props is obviously a desperate and irrational cry for help.

Regarding her UFO experiences, well all I can say is: when can she start her Dianetics training? The Church of Scientology needs rich abductees like Mrs Hatoyama, and with the help of a substantial donation from her husband, we can get her up to level 3 in no time at all…

By the way, did I mention I’m not gay?

Nanu Nanu!

Tom Cruise

Japan’s New First Lady ‘Flew To Venus In UFO’

helga — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:16:24 +0000

Japan’s new first lady is enlivening the nation’s grey-suited world of politics with colourful claims that she met a UFO in a dream and was whisked away to Venus

Danielle Demetriou via www.telegraph.co.uk

Yukio Hatoyama and his wife Miyuki Hatoyama Photo: AP

Miyuki Hatoyama, 66, the charismatic wife of the leader of the incoming Democratic Party of Japan (DPJ), has also described how she met Tom Cruise in a former life and enjoys “eating” the sun for energy.

Writing in a book published last year, she said: “While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus. It was a very beautiful place and it was really green.”

Her extra-terrestrial experiences ties in neatly with her husband Yukio Hatoyama’s nickname “The Alien” which came about due to his large eyes.

Mr Hatoyama is due to be voted in as prime minister on September 16 after his party defeated the iron grip of the Liberal Democratic Party after more than five decades of near-interrupted power.

The party leader met his wife – a former musical actress who was born to Japanese parents in Shanghai – while he studying at Stanford in the United States.

Mrs Hatoyama, who is renowned for her healthy cooking having published several food-related books, described her UFO experience in a book called “Very Strange Things I’ve Encountered.”

After waking up, Mrs Hatoyama wrote that her then husband dismissed the experience, claiming that it must have just been a dream.

However, referring to Japan’s next prime minister, she wrote: “My current husband has a different way of thinking. He would surely say ‘Oh that’s great’.” Earlier this year, Mrs Hatoyama also told a TV programme that she had met Tom Cruise in a previous life.

While she cautioned the interviewer not to take her too seriously, she said: “I know he was Japanese in a previous life.

“I was with him then. So he would recognise me when I see him and say ‘long time, no see!’”

On the same talk show, she also described her unusual habit of “eating the sun”.

Raising her arms into the air, she said: “I also eat the sun. Like this, hum, hum, hum. It gives me enormous energy. My husband has recently started doing that too.”