In this post Helmut and I take a Tokyo tour bus, explore the psyche of the Japanese married male and end up on a mini-fishing expedition..

Dear readers, occasionally I am quizzed as to why I don’t post on Hewdge more consistently. Well, the answer to that question is of course: Bombay Sapphire. Yes, it’s devilishly addictive and I DO hope you are keeping yours in the freezer. Remember: that glorious nectar of the gods can NEVER be too cold!! As far as advice goes, dear readers, this must surely be the most sensible, except perhaps, the tedious admonishment to wear sunscreen. Naturally, our freezers are FULL of Bombay Sapphire or, as Helmut gaily quips when referring to the brand, we are always full of BS! 

Tokyo Tour

One of our first outings in Tokyo is a bus tour around the city, culminating in a visit to the delightful Kyu Shiba Rikyu Gardens. Our loquacious tour guide, Yuki, is embarrassed when her mic fails, strangely enough, just as we are passing Tokyo’s Panasonic Centre

Luckily, Yuki is a professional and has a back-up plan – an informative flip chart, with diagrams depicting modern Japanese family life. Yes, dear readers, Helmut and I learn more about Japanese society on that bus tour than all our Pokemon card-swaps and Sake binges put together!

Japanese Family Life:

According to Yuki’s chart, while Japanese husbands are happy to come home for food, Japanese wives have to bear the sole responsibility for running the household and rearing the children

According to Yuki’s chart, men rarely spend time with their wives and children, and are constantly out drinking and socializing after work 

Another of Yuki’s diagrams shows women doing all the housework, while their husbands lounge lazily around the house, reading newspapers. Oh dear! Could Yuki be a teensy-weensy bit irate at the Japanese married male? 

As soon as our Cultural Awareness Bus Tour is over, we head for the nearest pubs and sushi bars to observe as many hungry, drinking, dallying, and domesticity-dodging husbands as we can find. Look! We spot a gang already…

Interesting Japanese Dishes

An obvious food choice for the undomesticated Japanese male, is Shirako or Fish Sperm, a dish of tempting looking sacks containing seminal fluid. Helmut playfully suggests that most tourists would go “nuts” for this food…What a wag!

Inago no Tsukudani

Inago no Tsukudani is a traditional Japanese insect dish popular with inland rural communities. Inago is the Japanese word for grasshopper and tsukudani, which is a soya sauce simmered with mirin, a Japanese sugary cooking wine. Put these ingredients together and you have a dish that is known for its deep flavour and its crunchy texture

Shirouo no Odorigui

Shirouo no Odorigui, or ‘dancing’ ice fish, are very small transparent fish (shirouo), which are eaten alive and dance in your mouth before being swallowed. The dish is traditionally served with a quail egg and vinegar. First, the egg is cracked open, mixed with vinegar and then the shirouo are added to the egg/vinegar mix. The little fellows are then caught with chopsticks and brought to one’s mouth where they wriggle and squirm around, to the delight of the diner

After the meal, Helmut feels something burrowing under his dentures and nibbling away at his adhesive. Could it be the ice fish that got away? Yes! Only a rod made of a toothpick and dental floss can capture the mini-Moby in his mouth. That, and a Bombay Sapphire mouthwash, help bring the fishing expedition to an end…

Banashi

Banashi is raw sliced horsemeat and Basashi Ice Cream, which boasts that same exquisite raw horsemeat flavour, is clearly a winner in the dessert stakes 

Later, we call in at a popular karaoke bar in Shibuya, where Helmut displays his unique talent for emptying a room

Dear Readers,

Taking time off from our busy Tokyo tour to acknowledge the amatory significance of St Valentine’s Day, Helmut and I celebrate as usual, from our most favourite romantic location: propped up at the bar of a local pub. This hallowed spot is where we first met, dear readers, and so it goes without saying, that a pub cocktail will always have a special place in our hearts, and, as Helmut loves to joke, in other vital organs, too! Yes, it’s true that Helmut’s bladder fails to make a splash in the Tokyo bar’s heated toilets, but never mind, as it keeps the cheery janitor employed!

Helmut Fails To Make a Splash

Hubby Helmut and I have an exceptional love story. After all, how many couples can exactly recall the pub in which they first met? We cannot recall either, but according to the charge sheet, it was the Queen’s Head, Croydon. What a romantic setting, dear readers, and I sigh even now, to think of that magnificent sapphire Helmut presented me with, on our second date!

Yes, that bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin was my first of many, and in our twenty romantic years together, Helmut estimates that, as drunken sots, or ‘double shots’ as he playfully likes to call us, we have polished off more than ten thousand bottles, thereby proving the wisdom of the old adage: The Family in a Daze Together, Stays Together!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

A little poem to help you through the day…

Worst Side Story

Star-cross’d lovers

When first they met….

The tale, ‘Romeo and Juliet”

contains Love, Death, Betrayal…the lot…

(without which, of course,

there’d be no plot!!)

Alas our Juliet and Romeo

They loved too much – and had to go!

Had they survived, would married life

have brought our pair… .delight. ……or strife?

“Oh Romeo… Drudge!, Wherefore art thou??”

 ”I’m here, you rancorous, Capulet cow!”

“What light through yonder window breaks?”

“Revealing wrinkles, teeth – all fakes!”

“You shallow toad!!. I am your spouse!!”

“A plague I set upon your house.” 

“You heartless Cur, you….. you… Montague!!!

“I kissed a lot of frogs for you!”   

With that, she kicks him where it hurts

And rips up all his silken shirts

And Romeo of course hits back

And tells her that her ‘bum looks fat’

And thus the pair cause quite a din

until old Nursie hurries in

She comes with poison and with knives and forces them.….

to take their lives!!!

And so here ends our troubled tale

With love grown rancid, bitter, stale

The moral of the story’s this:

To live in deep romantic bliss

and win the title ‘Love’s Young Dream’

Don’t live past Shakespeare’s final scene!!

Helga Hewston

In this post: Helmut and I practice our flip-flop shuffle and arrive in Japan, where the ‘power-nap’ is the only way to survive a long train journey.

Dearest Hewdge Readers,

How Helmut and I have missed you! Here we are again with our travel log, but before I continue, let me just mention briefly, our wonderful hotel, Sunny Meadows, where the word ‘alcoholism’ only ever appears once in the brochure.  A truly charming home from home, where the cold, winter nights simply fly by!

I am happy to report, dear readers, that as soon as we are allowed out (for good behaviour) from that safe, nurturing and AA approved environment, Helmut and I waste no time in re-stocking our freezer and booking our flight to Tokyo. We begin at once, practicing for our trip to Japan, by shuffling around the house the entire day, in thick, white socks and rubber flip-flops.

As it happens, we are accustomed to shuffling, but this time, we manage without the thorazine.

Dear readers, visiting the ‘Land of the Rising Sun’ is so exciting, that Helmut and I don’t really know how to contain ourselves. Alas, these mishaps occur more frequently these days, and although there ARE special double-thick plastic-lined ‘containers’ for people our age, we prefer not to drink too much until after take-off.

As soon as we touch down, we are impressed with the level of politeness, efficiency, and white-glove wearing, all of which are common features of this fascinating country.

Our first journey from Narita International Airport, to the heart of Tokyo, is a two-hour train-ride. On both the train and the subway, exhausted Japanese commuters are fond of falling into a sleepy stupor, or power-nap as they prefer to call it, but seem to have an UNCANNY ability to wake up at their precise destination. Dear readers, how do they do this without a gentle wake-up call and a nice, hot cup of tea?

On the long journey to Tokyo, Helmut and I reach for our duty-free, and end up falling into another kind of commuter stupor..Yes, Helmut and I are in love with Japan already!

Next Time: Japanese Customs and Food

Dear readers, after a rather impromptu departure from our Going Global tour, and a prolonged stay in Europe, Helmut and I have recently returned to the leafy avenues and colonial grandeur of Ho Chi Minh City. Why the extended absence? Well, let’s just say that to the delight of our local wine merchants, we are now firmly back on our feet and believe it or not, rehab is NOT that bad!

Once back in Saigon, Helmut and I waste no time in exploring a few of the colourful and ornate temples dotted around this magnificent city

Inside the inner courtyard and amid thick clouds of burning incense, there is an air of serenity and contemplation – the perfect place for me and hubby Helmut to reflect on how the Middle Way explicitly refutes the extremes of both eternalism and nihilism, the illusion of reality, and the price of a shot of gin

On our second day back, a cultural and historic surprise presents itself. Dear readers, who would ever guess, that located a short distance from where we reside, the picturesque Museum of Vietnamese History houses objets d’art likely to make even a sailor blush?

But, before I can divulge the cause of any tar-blushing, some interesting Saigon facts:

Bombay Sapphire: Can be obtained quite easily, from shops, bars, clubs and hotels, but no harm in stocking up! Vietnam, of course, is a socialist country, but somehow, socialism and alcohol seem to blend so well together.

Food – delicious, plentiful, fresh, cheap. Vietnamese cuisine varies slightly from region to region, with many regions having their own specialties. Generally, northern Vietnamese cuisine is known for being bland, while southern Vietnamese cuisine is known for being spicy

Other Saigon facts, which are not quite as interesting as the first two:

Architecture: colonial-style and for the most part, the city is still charmingly devoid of tower-blocks and mega-malls.

Numbers: Saigon is a city of nearly 8 million inhabitants and covers an area just over 809 square miles

Seasons: Saigon has two seasons – wet and dry.The wet season usually starts in May and ends in November. The dry season is from December to April. (or in our case: dry, when we run out of Bombay and wet, when we locate a bottle)

Currency: The official currency in Vietnam is the DONG (VND). Helmut and I try to use our Dong at every opportunity, which means shopping daily. Luckily, we get a lot of Dong for our Dollar, hence, when an item is extra cheap, we say it’s “going for a Dong”

The Museum of Vietnamese History

Set in the Botanic Gardens in the centre of the city, the Museum of Vietnamese History is worth a visit for its location and architecture as much as its collection.

Built in 1929 in a style that fuses Asiatic and French influences, the museum’s collection covers Vietnam’s history from the Bronze Age and includes artifacts of the Cham and Khmer civilizations

Beyond the elegantly displayed statues of Hindu deities, Shiva and Ganesh, is a large collection of sandstone penises or Lingams as they are called in Sanskrit

Although the Lingam has been interpreted by some Western scholars, as a symbol of male creative energy or as a phallic symbol, to practicing Hindus the Lingam represents the inseparability of the male and female principles and the totality of creation. Judging by the generous dimensions of the carefully crafted stone blocks, it seems that when it comes to creation, size DOES matter.

Our dear hosts seem very interested in this philosophical and abstract interpretation and take an annoyingly long time in this section of the museum. Later, they both have to recharge their video, camera and cell phone batteries….

Hoi An

Towards the end of our Saigon stay, Helmut and I head north to the stunning World Heritage site of Hoi An, a beautifully preserved coastal town that has miraculously escaped war damage. At the airport, Helmut makes a new friend, an old man dressed in his pyjamas, who, spotting Helmut from across the terminal, shuffles over, and sits holding his hand until it’s time to depart

Helmut and are SMITTEN with Hoi An! There is something magical about this ancient seaport and the colours go to my head. Or could it be the pre-cocktail shots from one of the many tourist bars lining the high street? It’s hard to tell..

Hoi An Facts:

Situated almost 600 km north of Saigon and 30 km south of Danang, Hoi An lies on the banks of the Thu Bon river

The town has a distinct Chinese atmosphere with low, tile-roofed houses and narrow streets; the original structure of some of these streets still remains almost intact

Houses in Hoi An are made of rare wood, decorated with lacquered boards and panels engraved with Chinese characters. Pillars are also carved with ornamental designs

While Hoi An’s old-fashioned charm is always visible, on the 14th of every lunar month modernity takes another step back. On these evenings the town turns off its street lamps and fluorescent lights, leaving the Old Quarter bathed in the warm glow of coloured silk, glass and paper lanterns

My-Son

The next day, we take a boat trip and visit the ruins of Vietnam’s very own Angkor Wat at My-Son, the site of a Hindu temple complex dating back to the 7th century and consisting of Champa temples and burial chambers, in a valley roughly two kms wide, surrounded by two mountain ranges. Funnily enough, as we hunt among the ruins, we discover even more evidence of the inseparability of the male and female principle and the totality of creation

Sai-Going….Going-Gon

During our last Pho noodle meal with our dear hosts, we bid farewell or pho-well, as Helmut jokingly quips, to the city we have grown so fond of

Helmut, true to his Babe Magnet reputation, has gathered more than a few admirers during our stay, but being used to so much attention, how will he cope with no attention at all, in our next port of call – Tokyo?

Interested in Helmut? YES!

Interested in Helmut? YES!!

Interested in Helmut? NOPE!

In Ho Chi Minh City, Helmut and I discover a handsome one-star hero and a hammy Hollywood star who’s a zero!

Dear Readers, at long last, and with great excitement, Helmut and I are about to land in Ho Chi Minh City, formerly called Saigon, Vietnam’s second largest metropolis, a culinary heaven, and home to almost eight million happy socialist noodle eaters! 

Yes, Vietnamese food is so delectable that during the flight over, the sheer anticipation of shrimp crepes and spring rolls has us both salivating in our seats – a spontaneous reaction which, coupled with the gin stains, creates a MASSIVE clean-up job for the airline crew!

We are thrilled because we are staying with our dear friends – lovely boys, who know exactly where to find the best noodles or Pho in the city!

Noodle In-pho-mation: Pho is a Vietnamese noodle soup usually served with beef (pho bo) or chicken (pho ga). The soup includes noodles made from rice and is often served with basil, lime and bean sprouts

 Our friends, or Comrades, as we teasingly like to call them, also speak a little Vietnamese, and this ability certainly comes in handy later, when Helmut has to fight off the local men! Below, a passing ice-cream salesman, who, in contrast to his frozen goods, seems to have the hots for Helmut!

On our first outdoor adventure, the Socialist Republic of Vietnam looks strangely familiar and stirs memories of a bygone era, when, Babycham in one hand, joint in the other, Helmut and I would watch hundreds of protesters on the march

Were they demonstrating against the war? No! They were demonstrating against film director Oliver Stone’s choice to cast Tom Cruise as a cripple in his Vietnam war movie, Born on the Fourth of July. Dear readers, could this be because of his bad acting and diminutive height? Yes! Because everybody knows that Tom is far too tiny and hammy to play even an armchair hero, let alone a wheelchair hero!

In contrast to the past decades, Helmut and I are now keen to experience the Communist takeove without the aid of mind-altering drugs, but when we try to hire a ride to visit Ho Chi Minh’s City’s Reunification Palace, it looks like we might need drugs of a different, powdery kind to revitalize our drivers.

The Palace, formerly the home of the South Vietnamese President, is now a tribute to the North Vietnamese army, who broke through its gates on April 30th 1975. What was this conflict about, dear readers? Some shallow types might say it was because the North Vietnamese had a completely different cuisine from the South and wanted to impose their own brand of noodles or pho-losophy on their neighbors!

Everywhere Helmut and I wander, we see busts of the handsome Mr Ho, who seems to be some kind of culinary hero in this country. Here, he gives himself a mere One Michelin Star. Isn’t that typically modest of a real Commander-in-Chef?

Back home with our gracious hosts we are nearing the end of a very exciting day. As we settle in, cocoa liqueur in hand, to watch Tom struggling to play a paraplegic in our favourite Vietnam movie, one has to wonder dear readers, WAS OLIVER STONED?

Dear Readers, some of you have been annoying enough to write in asking for my help and advice, so I have decided to take a momentary break from our travel log, to answer some of your most pressing and pertinent questions. Here we are then, after a hearty supper, glass in one hand and pen in the other, ready to communicate! 

Harriet Smith from Huddersfield writes:

Dear Helga, last month, my husband Jason (not his real name), told me that he was leaving me for another man! I was so shocked, I hit the bugger over the head with a whiskey glass, ran out the house and slept at my mother’s. He called me the next day to apologize, but I feel the damage has been done. I feel hurt and yes, ashamed! Where is the trust Helga? Anyway, after calling a few friends for advice, I decided to give Jason another chance, but last week, I came home early to find my husband of twenty years, in bed with our plumber (not his real profession). I realized at that moment, that I had to get out of this marriage and, yes, out of this country as well! So, would you recommend Jakarta or Bangkok for a gal like me, looking for a good time?

Helga Replies: Dear Harriet, never, NEVER use a whiskey glass when you can use a whole BOTTLE

Jason Smith from Huddersfield writes:

Dear Helga, I am a total Babe Magnet just like your husband Helmut, and this causes all sorts of problems when I’m out with my wife. She is indescribably jealous! I only have to glance at a well-toned young man, and she goes ballistic and starts accusing me of flirting! Helga, I can’t go on like this…her jealousy is ruining our otherwise wonderful marriage (we’ve been together 20 years). Last week, out of the blue, she attacked me with a whiskey bottle and then three days ago, she threw me out of our house! I’ve tried reasoning with her, but nothing works. My new best friend Brent (not his real name) suggested that I should invite her over for a romantic meal and then beg her to take me back. I have decided to go for this last-ditch food effort in order to get our marriage and our life back on track. My question is, menu-wise, should I go for baked grasshoppers or the cow brains?

Helga Replies: Dear Jason, hmm….tricky. I would go for the cow brains. You do want her to get the message dear, don’t you?

 
Brent from Huddersfield writes:

Dear Helga, In your opinion, what is the best way to clean and prepare grasshoppers before cooking?

Helga Replies: Dear Brent, this is an excellent question and one that has kept me awake at night on more than one occasion!! Now depending on your situation, I always find the best method, is to get someone else to clean them. Failing that, don some Rubber Maid or gardening gloves, and then coax the dirty little hoppers into a colander and cover quickly with some fine  wire mesh to insure they don’t fly/hop away. When they are safely corralled inside, hold the colander + mesh under the tap for a good ten minutes until they are squeaky clean or rather, until they have stopped squeaking. At this stage, you might want to pluck their little wings, legs and heads off, but don’t be squeamish Brent dear, as this can be amusing and rather similar to the satisfaction one gets when popping bubble-wrap. After a final rinse under the tap, pat them dry with a dishcloth or kitchen roll, season to taste, then boil, wok or bake for a delicious and nutritious meal your guests will never forget! By the way, who IS the lucky guest? As a final tip, baked hoppers are best served with a ’91 Côtes du Rhône. I hope this answers your very important question, Brent. Bon appetite!

PS If you want to really impress your dinner guest(s), may I suggest a recipe (see below), that I came across in Jakarta, called  Belelang Goreng.

Ingredients

2 cups of grasshoppers
 – 1 cup of wheat flour
- 1 egg
- salt, pepper, garlic
- coconut oil or African palm oil

Method

Soak the grasshoppers in boiling water for one minute and then dry them. Mix and stir the egg, salt, pepper, garlic and add a little water; then dip the grasshoppers individually in the
mix and fry them in hot coconut oil. Serve with hot Kopi Luwak..

If you have any more questions you’d like to waste my time with, please write in to helgahewston@hotmail.com

The Poop Scoop: During our last few days in Jakarta, Helmut and I decide it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee…

Dear Hewdge readers, while in Jakarta I discover something incredible, and it has to do with coffee! Yes, I am talking about THE most expensive coffee in the world and it comes from Indonesia! Each coffee bean used in this product makes the most interesting ‘inner journey’, so to speak, that I feel it is a process worth describing. So how does this particular coffee, called KOPI LUWAK, become such a precious commodity? To begin with, the sweetest and ripest red coffee ‘cherries’ are eaten by a strange, cat-like mammal, called a Palm Civet.

Once inside this creature’s stomach, the coffee beans soak up enzymes and gastric juices, then carry on through the intestines until they are at last, excreted (or may I use the word defecated?). After emerging partially digested, the beans are gathered, sun-dried, and lightly roasted before eventually ending up costing a coffee drinker in New York or Tokyo $30 a cup! Isn’t that marvelous? To celebrate this triumph of profitable recycling, and in delicious anticipation of future dinner parties, Helmut and I grab every packet of Kopi Luwak we can lay our rubber-gloved hands on! Dear readers, this is truly a beverage not to be sniffed at!

What fun then, do Helmut and I have in store for our dear friends and future dining companions? Well, while our guests are sipping their après-dinner Kopi Luwak coffee, Helmut and I will insist on telling them, with the aid of colour diagrams, all about its scatological history and will SO ENJOY watching their faces as we talk feces! . Should there be the odd, humorless guest who starts to feel queasy, Helmut will point again to the graphic pictures, then back to their cup, and jokingly ask if they would like a REFILL!!

Leader of the Free World

While we are in Jakarta, we take the opportunity to visit the primary school once attended by a current leader of the free world. Simon Cowell? Rupert Murdoch? Lady Gaga?  No, I am referring of course, to Barak Obama, 44th President of the United States! In the modest front courtyard stands President Obama’s statue, which depicts him at the age of eight, smiling broadly and in a grandiose gesture, lifting up his hand towards what could possibly be the Debt Ceiling

Dear readers, this is a powerful and prescient moment, and to mark its solemnity, Helmut and I both reach into our Indonesian sweat-shop hoodie pockets for some gum…

Leaving Jakarta

Alas, a few days later, it is time to leave Jakarta for the next city on our Going Global tour -Saigon – but irritatingly, when Helmut and I arrive at the airport, we are told we cannot board our flight! Is this because we are overburdened with the Bombay? No, much worse! We cannot fly because we do not have the required visa to enter Vietnam! Immediately, Helmut and I spring into action and try offering a bribe, but unfortunately, stockpiling Kopi Luwak has depleted our resources…

Back in Jakarta for two extra days, we book a high-end hotel near a shopping mall, but to our surprise, find that the wall that separates our bedroom from our bathroom is made ENTIRELY of GLASS. This is because the bath and toilet being visible from the bedroom area, is the latest annoying hotel trend!

The next morning, I peer through our glass wall into the bathroom, and offer Helmut a cup of Kopi Luwak while he’s ‘powdering his nose’. But he is strangely irate and aims his new paperback ‘Civet Farming For Dummies’ directly at my Bombay Sapphire. I believe I also hear him mutter, “Dammit, leave me to recycle my recycled coffee beans in peace!”, but dear readers, I am FAR too busy restocking the mini-bar to answer the dear man…

Next posting: Helmut and I reach Saigon and see red at last!

Taking the Pisang: Outside Jakarta, Helmut and I discover some uncomfortable truths about animal and human behaviour..

Dear readers, just a few days after Helmut and I arrive in Jakarta, we waste no time in hiring a local driver, and set off to explore the Javanese countryside. Our destination? A Wild-Life Safari Park, 80 kilometers outside the city, where we are allowed to mingle with all types of hungry and ferocious creatures, from the comfort and safety of our vehicle. So far, Helmut and I have managed to keep our wildlife contact to a culinary minimum, and ONLY after making sure that the animal or insect in question is dead. Therefore, it is with a little trepidation and a very large hip flask that we sally forth on this new safari adventure…

In the meantime, some Indonesian Wildlife Facts:

Frogs’ Legs

Indonesia is one of the biggest exporters of frogs’ legs in the world and conversely, France is one the biggest importers of frogs’ legs in the world, receiving around 3,000 tons of legs annually. Could that be 1,500 tons of right legs and 1,500 tons of left legs? In the past, the frogs could be obtained from the wild, especially during the rainy seasons, but lately, more and more farms make a good living raising frogs, until their Schwarzenegger-like muscle-bound legs are finally cut off, for the French to consume! Hmm, délicieux!

Komodo Dragon

Uniquely native to the Komodo group of islands, this wild animal known locally as buaja durat or land crocodile, is the world’s largest and heaviest lizard, reaching lengths of over three meters and weighing in at around 166 kilos. But can you eat it, I hear you ask? I’m sure it would be palatable – with the right amount of chili sauce (sambal oelek). On the other hand, this winsome reptile would ADORE eating humans without any condiments..

Orangutans

Known as the ‘Man of the Forest’ in the Malay language, this primate is the world’s largest living arboreal or tree dwelling animal. The only great ape of Asia, the orangutan is found on the islands of Borneo and Sumatra and, along with bonobos, chimpanzees, and gorillas, is remarkably similar to humans in terms of anatomy, physiology, and behavior. Hmm, but would they enjoy frogs’ legs, washed down with a Bombay Sapphire..?

Safari Park Assailants

Along the road leading to the Safari Park, animal-fast-food snack dealers line up in droves, touting bunches of carrots (wortel-wortel) and bananas (pisang-pisang), despite numerous signs saying: Do Not Feed The Animals. Below, an emboldened pisang-pusher overtly breaks the rules

Once inside the park, we are at once waylaid by a very large Carrot Junkie, desperate for his wortel fix!

Aggressive breaking into cars is typical Safari Park behaviour, and quite often the animals will form into GANGS, in order to better extract the fruit and veggies from suppliers…

Dear readers, since our hip flasks are drained to the last drop, how do Helmut and I cope with the mammalian mafiosas? Things get even uglier when we spot a sign from the Camel Gang spelling out Hati-Hati (literally heart-heart or hearts) meaning: BE CAREFUL! This horrifying and graphic image below, warns us visitors what will happen if we don’t hand over the goodies…

On The Way Home

On the drive back to Jakarta, heavy traffic brings us to a stand-still for HOURS and it is during this time period I believe, that Budi, our married (and may I say pious?) chauffeur, develops a deep attraction for Helmut. From the back seat, I see it all unfolding, but because Helmut is such a friendly chap, it is quite understandable why patting Budi playfully and frequently on the shoulders, could so easily be misconstrued. Oh dear! Will Helmut be held responsible for yet another man’s broken hati? Only time will tell….

Kota Revisited

The next evening, we revisit Kota and mingle with the crowds in the main square. Later, by chance, we come across a deranged youth with extreme black horns sticking out of his back. Is this art? Or is he desperate for a job at the Safari Park? Helmut and I will never know, because annoyingly, he and his friends don’t speak English!

On the subject of languages, perhaps you’ve noticed, dear readers, that the plural in Bahasa Indonesian, can be formed by saying the noun twice (as in pisang-pisang meaning bananas)? With that in mind, Helmut and I head for the BARS and funnily enough, we know JUST the place for our first drink-drink…

In Gado-Gado We Trust: In the endless city of Jakarta, Helmut and I do our best to eat, drink and sniff out the local culture…

Dear Hewdge readers, may I say how excited we both are, to finally arrive in Jakarta, Indonesia’s vast capital of nine million inhabitants, and therefore home to the biggest concentration of chicken satay grills in the world!

Just as New York is known as The Big Apple, so is Jakarta affectionately nicknamed THE BIG DURIAN, the durian being a stand-offish looking fruit, famous for its ‘acquired taste’ and a smell SO FOUL that it is banned on most airlines.

Despite its size (225 square miles) and location, Jakarta is not a common tourist destination, but it should be, dear readers, because the people are just darlings. These darlings also have waggish and amusing names, like President Bambang and former President Megawati

President Bambang

Am I correct in describing Jakarta as a huge, hot, crowded city, with a major traffic issue? Yes! But it is also charming with a mammoth moped population or ‘millions on pillions’ as Helmut likes to call them, dashing around in face-masks and helmets

Below, even the youngest ‘mopedee’ is issued with a mini-mask

Kota (Old Batavia)

Our first sightseeing stop in Jakarta is Kota, the old colonial capital, formerly named Batavia by the Dutch. Here, in the main square, with the beautiful old Stadhuis or town-hall as a back-drop, we are accosted by hoards of eager, young students from various English language schools, who ask if they might interview us

Well, dear readers, for the first time in ages, we old fossils feel like rock stars! And who wouldn’t? Helmut and I are TOUCHED by their friendliness! Thankfully, that soon passes, and we hastily make our escape to the nearby sanctuary of the famous Batavia Café

The Batavia Café, last bastion of the Dutch empire in Jakarta, is the ONLY place to dine, if, unlike Helmut and moi, one has illusions of grandeur!

On the wall, various pictures of movie stars and unclad boys adorn even the Ladies Room, while in the dining area, I have to keep an eye on Helmut, as the waiters seem keen to dish out rather more than Bami and Nasi Goring! By the way, did I mention, dear readers, that Hubby Helmut is a BABE MAGNET for the gay Asian Male? And being the naturally affable fellow he is, this leads to misunderstandings from time to time…

Helmut Can't Help It..

Later, back in our hotel room, there is a terrible stench coming from the pipes below the sink unit. Oh Dear! Or should I say O-dour? But after making sure there are no lurking durians, courtesy of our playful Jakartan housekeeper, we fall asleep counting our duty-free…

Next posting: We visit a wild life animal park outside Jakarta and Helmut gets hit on by the driver (again!)

Before flying off to the Indonesian capital of Jakarta, Helmut and I spend our last days in Bangkok worming our way into some lesser known but equally succulent Thai specialties

In Praise of Thai Food

Dear Readers, may I begin by saying that Helmut and I are MAD about Thai food! Why? Because the dishes are delicious, aromatic, spicy, in addition to being easy to prepare and well balanced in terms of flavor (sour, sweet, salty, etc.) Helmut particularly enjoys Thai red curry (kaeng phet), which, depending if I’m short on time or binge-drinking, I can prepare in a flash by simply mixing a ready-made curry paste with a little coconut milk and fish sauce and then adding a choice of chicken, beef, prawns or vegetables. If, however, I have plenty of time or I’m on the wagon, I will still use the ready-made paste (see below), but might add some fresh cilantro for effect

Sometimes, we like to venture out to eat red or even green curry, and in this case, we do our best to find a Thai restaurant where at least one of the staff has been ‘gender reassigned’. Helmut feels that s(he) makes our Thai experience so much more authentic!

Since we are actually here in Bangkok, Helmut and I are keen to eat items not normally found on tourist menus, such as insects and their offspring. This can be terribly interesting, nutritious and may I say crunchy! Most of the insects can taste fairly bland when deep-fried  – like prawns or popcorn  – but when tarted up with lime leaves, chili and garlic, they become an excellent snack to wolf down with a bottle or two…Below, a few little gems, or even germs, which we find to be most agreeable:

Grasshoppers (chingrit)

Although sold by street vendors all over Bangkok, deep-fried grasshoppers can also be prepared at home. Select only the freshest grasshoppers and after cleaning, cook them tossed in Thai herbs (lemon grass, lime leaf and garlic). A little soy sauce should be added before serving….Do I hear a collective ‘hmmmm”?

Crickets (chingrit)

Giant crickets also make a wonderful and worthwhile snack. Choose the farm-raised variety, wash, cook and season with lemon grass and garlic. They can be eaten whole, but Helmut and I recommend removing the harder outer wings and legs

Bee Larvae (non mai)

This is simply a marvelous culinary experience, dear readers! Take a bee honeycomb filled with miniature bee larvae and gently smoke it on the barbeque. When cooked thoroughly, eat the smoked honeycomb complete with larvae and enjoy the subtle sweet but meaty flavours. Delish!

Silkworm (non mai)

Everyone loves Thai silk, but did you know that silk worm pupae are also loved for their taste? In Thailand, street vendors sell silk worms threaded on skewers for grilling. Hmm, are you salivating yet?

Giant Water Bugs (nam phrik maengda)

These tasty bugs are best served with a chili sauce and can be cooked on a barbeque or over a cozy campfire. To prepare, simply stick a bamboo skewer into the abdomen and slowly roast. After, peel the exoskeleton to reveal a tasty morsel of white meat. Double yummy!

Ant Eggs (kai mot)

This is a terribly exciting dish as there is a hint of danger involved! Ant eggs, especially red ants (kai mot daeng) are a delicacy in northern Thailand and are on sale at local markets. However, Helmut and I enjoy collecting the eggs ourselves! This though, is a hazardous exercise as red ants can bite and do not take kindly to having their nest interfered with. Red ants can be prepared in many ways: eaten raw in a salad (yam kai mot daeng), made into a soup (kaeng kai mot daeng) or even added to an omelette (kai jiow kai mot). The ant eggs can also be eaten lightly salted, wrapped in banana leaves and roasted or eaten raw where they taste soft and juicy with a slightly sour lemony taste. Whoa! It doesn’t get any better than this, dear readers!

So, after all that heady culinary excitement, where do we dine on our last night in Bangkok? Yes, Cabbages and Condoms again! As Helmut so succinctly puts it, you can’t beat a venue where instead of an after-dinner mint, you get to take a condom…

http://www.pda.or.th/restaurant/